Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy,

I live in a small  condominium community of 24 units. Two units down , there is an older woman who is a hoarder , She continually has trash piled up by her front door and back porch . When you look through her glass sliding doors , you can see trash from floor to ceiling . She piles up garbage on her car and it sits there for several days before she takes it to the dumpster . She also has two dogs , and we never see her walking them . This has been going on for the last 15 years .

The board of directors of our condo association has tried everything from calling the municipal department to notifying animal control . The board has fined her for various misdemeanors , such as not allowing pest control in her unit and leaving all that trash around , but it makes no difference.The woman does not talk to anyone in the community  and we never see friends or family visit . We are all afraid of what that unit looks like inside . Any suggestions ?

Condo Owner

Dear  Condo Owner,

Hoarding is a form of mental illness , and this woman likely needs professional help , Since you can see the trash inside her home , as well as outside , it may constitute evidence that her hoarding has created a health code violation and the Department of Health could order her to clean it up . There may also be a fire hazard , in which case the condominium board should notify the fire department . As a last resort , the condo board could sue her . Ask the board to discuss this problem with  their association attorney to see what steps  can be taken .

Maxy

Dear Maxy,

I am at a loss about what to do with my unruly grandchildren . The boys are 8 and 10 years and the girl is 6 years old. When we visit them , about twice a month , we enter the house and say hello; they totally ignore us and don't speak to us during the entire visit . I brought it up to the father, my stepson, and asked "Why can't they say hello to us ?" The question fell on deaf  ears; he chose not to answer me. When we speak to  the grandkids to see how they are doing in school , etc., they are insolent and rude ; the parents hear this but choose not to correct  or reprimand or teach some manners . I find this disrespectful and upsetting . I know the parents have little control over these kids and teach them little about manners and obedience , The mother has to tell them several times to say thank you when we give gifts to them, but you would think they should know this by now. I want to speak to the parents directly and tell them how upsetting it is without insulting their parental skills, my husband, the biological grandfather of the kids  doesn't  think it's a good idea to speak to the parents . Help ?

Joan

Dear Joan ,

This is a tough situation, I'm sure that the parents do not want interference from you .Yet if the  grandchildren do not learn manners , they are bound to have significant  behavioral issues as they mature .

You could try reverse psychology. Next time you visit intentionally do not speak to them . Do not engage them at all . Act  as if they are not there . Do not bring them gifts . Be present without being present . Chances are they will notice . It's likely too that they enjoy the gifts you bring them . With-hold gifts until they wake up to seeing and acklowledging you . It may take time , but it could spark awareness.

I would also speak to the parents , even though it's prickly . I would speak about the future of the children and how important it is for children to learn how to engage people with respect . Tell them that you are worried about their future based on their behavior today.

Maxy

Dear Maxy ,

If you are in a public setting and you share mints or gum with a friend, do you have to share with everyone around you, even if you do not know them ?

Catherine ...N.Y.

Dear Catherine ,

You should share only with your friends , but be discreet about it . If you have enough to go  around , however, it would be a lovely gesture to share .

Maxy