Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy,

My sister is in her late 60s and is becoming  increasingly difficult  (she lives with me). She's always been rather critical , but now she is downright rude  and insulting. It's as though being old gives her the right to say anything that pops into her head without consideration for anyone else feeling .

My husband tells me to ignore her comments . I know he's right , but old habits die hard , and I still try to defend myself, and also my family when she insults them . I know she isn't going to change, so somehow I have to find a better way to respond to her . Please give me some strategies to control my instinctive defensive reactions  ... without starting an argument , being "hateful" (her word) or walking away , which be tantamount to declaring war .

Dutiful Sister
Dear Sister,

Your sister may just be exhibiing early signs of dementia , one of which is the inability to censor what comes out her mouth . Ask if you could accompany her to her next doctor's appointment . That will give you the opportunity to mention this possibility to the doctor  and request an evaluation . Prehaps if you can keep in mind that her insults are not entirely within her control. It will help you to be less defensive and respond with sympathy.

Maxy

Dear Maxy,

My best friend just said something to hurt me . She was talking about herself  ... as usual ... and dismissed my feeling when the subject switched to me . She acted as if she didn't care for my feeling in this particular situation , and then she immediately switched the subject back to herself . She does this a lot . She is great as long as we are discussing her interests, but she is impatient when the topic turns to me . I feel as if she's not my friend  after all. and it makes me sad . What should I do ?

Monica
Dear Monica,

You should evaluate why you consider thie self-absorbed woman to be your "best friend." It sounds as if she doesn't deserve that title . In my estimation , a "best friend" is someone who honestly cares about you enough to want to listen to your life story as you listen to hers. Sure, no relationalship is perfectly balanced, but yours seems one-sided . Because you have allowed it to be like that for some time, she probably doesn't even realize how she is behaving or how it affects you.

Now is your opportunity to speak up and let her know that she has hurt your feeling .Stick with the most recent incident as opposed to dredging up your entire relationship . Be specific when you explain what she did and what she said  and how she brushed over your experience when you tried to talk to her  about it . Explain how you would like her to treat you. If she honestly cares about you, she will likely behave better ... with coaching from you.

Maxy

Dear Maxy ,

I am hosting a house warming party ... I'm a first-time homebuyer, I'm excited to invite people over to my house  for a change, and I want everything to work out  perfectly . There's one problem, I don't know what type of alcoholic  beverages to serve . Some of my guests are co-workers, basically people I would like to impress . Should I hire a bartender ?

Lillie 

Dear Lillie,Hiring a bartender would be perfect . It makes your event more professional , and allows you to host your guest without being stuck behind a bar serving drinks . You can deside to have an open  where all the basic alcholic beverages are available . It's best to serve premium labels.

You could also have a limited bar with champagne ...which is perfect for celebrating ... and sparkling water for teetotalers.

Be sure to serve food with your alcoholic beverages.

Maxy