Ask Maxy

Ask Maxy ,
I make my living  by helping people  with computer issues , setting up , getting rid of malware , etc . I love  helping clients  and truly enjoy my profession . I do an excellent  job for my customers  and am devoted  to customer satisfaction .
My problem lies with  friend , neighbors , etc., who take advantage of my knowledge  and expertise . It usually  starts  with a phone call  or an email saying , "I have a quick question." These questions are not usually so quick , involving at least half an hour  and often many hours on the phone . When the problem is solved  , they say "thanks"  and hang up . Meanwhile , I have spent hours  of my time  that should have been billable .
I am looking for  a professional but pleasent  to handle those who  don't offer  to pay me . Should I say something upfront? I don't mind helping when  it actually is a quick question : under 10 minutes  . I do it all the time  and am happy to do so . But the rest  of this  is beginning  to be a financial drain , and I really need your help .
Always Willing to Help .
Dear Willing ,
You need to let people know  the situation  at the time they ask . Reply, "I'm happy to help , but it's only fair to tell you  that I can give you 10 minutes  for free , and after that , my time  will have to be billed ." If you want to offer friends  and family  a special discount  of some kind  , say so . Some people will be upsat  regardless  , but that cannot be helped .
Those who are most likely  to take advantage  are the same ones who take umbrage when you don't acguiese.
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
My husband  of 28 years  has been having long intimate text  conversations with his father' hopice nurse  for several months  while they both are caring for my dying father-in-law. My husband does this for hours everyday.
I have told them that I would like one of them to stop working with my father-in-law .Neither  has been willing . His whole family is standing behind this relationship and feels the two  of them is wonderful for each other  and a new start would be great because  both are in "loveless" marriages .
It is clear to me  that they want to be together  . They have expressed great love for each other  and have been intimate . I am brokenhearted  and want out . My marriage has always been stressful  and occassionally abusive . We were hanging in there  , but by a string . This just seals the deal .
Today , one sister is going to ask the nurse to stey down  . I no longer care  and plan to move on . Should I be honest  and tell them to just keep her there  , since I no longer  wish to continue  in this marriage ? I actually feel it would be better for everyone .
Broken Heart
Dear Broken Heart,
Then go right ahead  . Your marriage  is not healthy  amd it sounds  like it hasn't been for a long time . I never recommend  that people stay  with abusers . If you want to be happier without this man  in your life  , then let him go .
I can assure you , however , that relationships  that occur  during an emotionally trying time often does not last  when the situation  revolves itself . When your father-in-law  no longer  needs this type  of care , your husband may  discover  that his passion  for the nurse  has dissioated . And I won't  get into ethics of a hospice nurse  carrying on with a married family member . Shame on both of them .
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I always knew my husband's widowed mother  runs his life . She picks out his clothes  and even decided which house we should buy . Of course it about a half-mile from hers.
I thought  after we married  I'd have a more prominent place in his life . Wrong! Every decision is still made by his mother  . He acts as if I'm not smart enough . Meanwhile , his mother completely ignores me . She plans holiday gatherings and everything else  with no regard  for my preferances or schedule . She calls his cellphone  contantly . I think its rude . He thinks it's normal .
I'm seriously thinking  about taking  our 4-year-old  and walking out . I'm not sure he would notice . I love my husband , but he  doesn't have time for me . Any suggestions ? I'm ready to explode .
Second Best
Dear Second Best ,
I am always surprised by people whio marry  and expects their spouses  to suddenly change years of ingrained behavior . In order for your husband to put you first  , he must be willing to do so  and he will have to simultaneously fend off his mothewr's objections . I think he like things as they are , so this is an uphill battle . You will have to explain why the change is crucial to the health of your marriage  and then insist on counseling . Keep in mind , no attitude  adjustment happens overnight  and without effort on his part , it won't happen at all .
Maxy