Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
What has happened  to the politeness, courtesy  and respect that we  instilled in our children but somehow got lost down the tree?
My grandson, who is 8, has talked back to his mother  for as long as I can remember . My daughter is divorced  from the boy's father . The  father  remarried  and has  custody  because my daughter  couldn't handle him . The  boy now tells  her  that he  doesn't  want her  to attend  his  school functions .
The father badmouths  my daughter in front of  my grandson .
What exactly  should she do with respect  to correcting  her son ? It's getting so out of hand  that I fear  for  her future relationship with him . Should I step in ? These  parents  are in their 30s and should be able  to figure  out these things for themselves .
Grandfather  Who is Worried
Dear Grandfather,
I agree with you about the decline of courtesy and respect . It is a far different world now, often with two stressed out, working parents or a single parent with children left to be raised by indifferent daycare . Kids are also exposed to a lot of television, videos and internet and they are influenced by these media. They copy what they see in front of them . Good  attitudes and behavior are observed rather than taught .
A good rule of thumb is, always be the kind of person you want your kids to be . If you want your child to be respectful, considerate and kind, then you need to be respectful, considerate  and kind . They are always watching and learning from your behavior . The second rule is to apply firm but fair discipline, balanced by equal amounts of love and affection . And be generous with praise for good behavior .
Above all, children need consistent rules and guidelines to follow and they are happier when they know their limits. Otherwise, they will keep testing to see how far they can go. I think in your grandson's case, discipline may have been a problem . I can only speculate .
There might be a couple of other underlying problems too .  It is traumatic enough for a child whose parents have divorced, but if there is continuing, hostile conflict between the parents, it will definitely hurt the child emotionally . And  your grandson now has to deal with a stepmother too . All in all, it's a lot for the little guy to handle .
 Children in these  situations usually act out in some way . It might be behavior problems, anxiety, school problems or a host of others . I think he needs  professional counseling and so do his parents .
If you 'stepped in', you may not be welcomed, but by all means ask your  daughter if you can help and perhaps suggest that you  find a good family counselor for her . If you can, spend a bit more time with your grandson, one on one . Has he ever been fishing ? You may be the best example he has to follow .
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I am a married  man living in New Jersey . My retired parents  live in Pennsylvania and my older sister  lives not  far from them .
Last November, my wife and I bought a new  house  . My parents wanted to see our new house . They rely  on my sister to drive them long distances, so she sent an email with the details . She also asked , "Is there anything  we can bring?" I responded  that she could bring  four of our family's favorite sandwiches for  lunch . The next night , she sent me  a nasty email  asking how could I  expect them to bring  lunch . She said it's the host job  to provide something to eat .
Maxy , I've  gone to their houses many times and I have always  brought  these sandwiches  because I know  everyone  likes them . After  receiving  that nasty email  from my sister, I told her she is no longer welcome here . Now  my parents say I am the bad guy  and should have bit the bullet and provided lunch on my own . Was I wrong ?
Offended  Brother
Dear Brother ,
While the host should  provide  refreshments, this is  family, and such things can be treated informally . The fact that you've brought sandwiches is generous, but that was your choice, not theirs . And your  sister should not have asked about bringing  something  if she was not willing to comply. Her email was rude  and incendiary, and your response shoved  the argument  into the stratosphere . These arguments tend to escalate if not  resolved right away. You should each apologize . I suggest  you swallow  your pride  and take the  first step  before this  estrangement  becomes permanent.
Don't lose a beloved family member over a trivial gripe. Your parents stand to lose the most.
Maxy

Dear Maxy,
I had a party and invited everyone via  email . Can I send thank-you notes  to them  for attending and for their  gifts  via e-mal too ?
Protocol Please
Dear Protocol Please ,
Whereas a handwritten  note used to be standard  for saying thank you, times  have changed . If all  the guests were invited  via e-mail  then use that for communicating your thanks, they  will likely be just as happy receiving a note of gratitude in that way .
Maxy