Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
My son had a friend over for a sleepover and I noticed that  this boy  was cursing . I do not allow  cursing in my house. These boys are 11 -years-old . I know they are in that experimental age, but  I don't care . I think it's important  for my son  to understand what the rules of our house are, and more, for anyone who is in our house to follow them . When I spoke to this boy  about cleaning up his language  while he was in my house, he complied but my son was so embarrassed  he sulked . How can I reinforce my rules without  embarrassing  my boy ?
Follow the Rules
Dear Follow the Rules ,
You can empower  your  son . Sit  down  and talk to him  about the incident . Tell him that he can help enforce your family's rules  by letting  his friends know in advance what the guidelines are . If he gives his friends  the heads-up and they honor the rules, you will not need to step in . Let him know that and let him know you trust him. He may appreciate having this role . It  may help both of you  avoid  future embarrassment .
Maxy

Dear Maxy,
My wife and I  have lost contact  with our son . He is a recovering addict. As far as we know, he has maintained a job  and I hope  has been able to stay clean . He has  moved to a city  about  four hours away  with his new girlfriend  and I am sure she is keeping him in line .
My wife is  heart  broken . We maintain a room for him  in our  home until he was almost 30-years-old . He was always  close to his mother  and they would  speak on a daily basis . Now, he doesn't call or take our calls  or emails  and never accepts cards or letters . He said he needed space when he left  and that was a year ago . My wife  grieves  as though  he has passed, crying at night, wondering what happened to her son . What should I do to relieve the pain ? Should  we keep trying  to contact him ? We don't understand  how he can be so hurtful ?
Tears  on Vermont
Dear Tears,
I am so sorry  that your son  has chosen  to cut off  contact but you cannot  force him to stay in touch . Are  you in touch  with the girlfriend ? Is she a reliable partner, or might  she be abusive ? Even so, he is an adult  and you can only do so much  without his cooperation . He is entitled to live how he pleases.
In the meantime, please  consider counseling . You are  grieving  and worried and you need to move forward  so your son's absence doesn't become  the focus  of your  daily life . It will not be easy . But I recommend  that you keep sending  your son emails and cards, just saying you love him and that you will always be available  should he decide to contact  you . I think he will ... Soon .
*As an after-thought, consider this...perhaps the girl friend has replaced your son's mother as someone to lean on. She may be a strong maternal presence. And she may be the one responsible for him turning his life around. And that is something to celebrate.
Maxy

Dear Maxy,
My husband  and I were great friends  with my sister  and her husband . When we separated, my ex continued  to hang out with them because they liked to drink and do drugs together . After the divorce, they stopped seeing him .
I found out they rekindled the friendship  when my  sister met his new wife at a party for one of my grandchildren . That was a year ago . I feel betrayed, hurt, angry and very disappointed . When I spoke to my sister, she said , "You're  been divorced for a long time and your ex has been friends  for years ." This is not true . Once the  divorce was final, they had  no contact until last year .
Am I wrong ? Is it all right  for them to be friends again knowing  how I feel ? 
Kicked Again 
Dear Kicked ,
I understand  that you want your sister to be supportive, but if she  and  her husband  have a relationship with your ex and his wife, it really is no longer  your business . I know this is not what you want to hear, but trying to control someone  else's friendships tends to backfire . Your sister is not a traitor to you and she still loves you.
Instead  of  convincing  your sister  to stop socializing  with your ex, your  protests will likely will create  an estrangement between you and  your sister . You  can ask her not to invite him to family  functions where you will be present . That is a reasonable request. However, since you have children (and grandchildren) with your ex, it is unrealistic to think you will never bump into them . It is in your  best interests to learn how to tolerate their presence  when necessary .
Maxy 

Dear  Readers ,
I am carrying on Ann Lander's tradition  that April 3rd  be set aside  as  Reconciliation Day, a time to make the  first move toward mending broken relationships . It also is the day on which we should  agree to accept  the olive branch extended  by a former friend  or an estranged family member  and  do our best to start over . Best regards
Maxy