Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
My husband and I have a 20-year-old daughter  , "Brianna" . We pay for her private college tuition , ass well as all her expenses .
In August , Brianna  was invited  for a weekend long  trip to Hawii  with her boyfriend's family  . She decideded to go without discussing it with us  . We had made plans  to get her a new apartment  that week  so she could move prior  to classes starting  , and she totally blew it off .
I am hurt by this  . It seems disrespectful  to us and to  the commitment she has as a daughter  . I have communicated  vvery little her since  she left for school  . How can I let her know  this behavior  is unacceptable  ? I am also disappointed  in her boyfriend  , who has known us long enough  to be more sensitive  to our family  .
What should I do ?
A Mom
Dear Mom ,
Yes , it was ruded  that Brianna  did not discuss  the change in plans  with you  , but she is trying  to assert her independence  , and  I recommend  you let her  . That means  she should  make more  of her own decisions and you need to stop paying for them . If Brianna recieves  a free trip  to Hawii  and blows off apartment hunting  , let her handle  her own living arrangements  . Don't do it for her  or fret  that she won't  have a place to live . She'll manage . Let her find  a part-time job  to pay for things  you don't want to finance .
her her become  a responsible , Mature adult  instead of a dependent child .
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I witnessed my classmate  shoplift  yesterday . She had invited me  to go with her  to the mall  , and I went . Hey , that's what we teens do after school  . I like this girl  , but I don't know her very well .
I was shocked  to see that she  put something  in her purse  and walked out . . I wasn't sure  what to do .
I called her  on it  , and she said it was "light stuff." I'm upset  . At the least , I want to step  away from her  , but she has a big personality . How  should I handle  this  so I don't lose all my friends ?
Angry
Dear Angry ,
It's good  that you already addressed  this situation  with her . Broach the subject  one more time  , and tell her  that her  shoplifting  is a deal-breaker  for you . You like her  , but you do not condone  that you don't intend  to broadcast what she did  to your group  of friends  , but you  hope she will  get the help that she needs  to start  making different decisions .
As far as the other friends  go , you have to make a decision . You can choose  too keep the theft  secret  and let the cards play out as they will . Or you can privately  speak to your closest friends  and let them  know that you  and the other girl  have experienced a rift  and that you hope  it will not effect  your friendship  . No need to describe the rift  . Just get it on the  front end of it .
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
My husband and I have been going  to a therapist  for about a year  , and I'm not  sure  what to think  of it . She has been helpful  , in now that we argue less and are  more civil to each other  . That's  a blessing  . But I don
t think  we like each other  that much . We hardly do anything together  . I don't think that's how life is suppose to be .
We have two kids  who have noticed the strain  in our relationship  , although  they probably think things are better beccause we are not arguing > I don't know whay to do  . Therapy is helpful  , but I'm left  with tons  of questions  . Should I give  up now  ? And if so , how do I walk away  when I have kids ?
Sinking
Dear Sinking ,
Do you think you can have a civil conversation  with your husband  and talk about how you are feeling  ? If you are considering  leaving  your marriage  , you can tell him that  , and why ?  Even if you decide  to break up  , you need to talk it through  because you have children .
Tell your hhusband  you want  to have an honest dialogue  about your future  . To the best of your ability , stay calm . Ask  him what he's thinking  , share  whats 's in your heart  , and be direct  with each other . Being honest  about your raw emotions  could open up  a discussion  that allows  the truth  to be heard . This may  be the way  to open the door  to whatever is next .
Maxy