I am a 51-year-old attractive professional , divorced twice and currently engaged to a 58-year-old man who is also twice divorced . We met online and hit it off pretty quickly . He has a magnetic personality , and sex is great between us . He moved in and I am supporting him financially until he gets his business in order . He has has four DUIs and recently spent some time in jail . I have stood by him through this .
He has always been upfront that he likes to view porn a lot and wants to experiment sexually . This doesn't bother me . But he posted an ad online asking another woman to join us for sex . While we may fantasize about this in the bedroom , he wants to make it real and this makes me uncomfortable . But he gets angry if I say so . (He also doesn't like when I mention money issues between us .)
I have been through a lot over the years , including getting out of an abusive marriage . I also have a young daughter at home . Am I being unreasonable about a threesome or should I rethink this situation ?
Confused
Dear Confused ,
This guy is unreliable financially and emotionally . He wants you to support him while he indulges himself. His sexual interests do not coincide with yours . He is manipulating and pushing you do do something you don't want to do . Worse, when you express yourself, he becomes angry .
Based on your history, you might not recognize an unhealthy relationship, so please allow me to point it out: This guy is not partner material . He is not going to be a positive influence on you or your daughter and there is great potential for abuse . The sex may be great, at the moment, but it's not enough to make up for his shortcomings . He will continue to pressure you until it escalates into emotional abuse. And he will continue to be a drain on you financially. He has no intention of working while you support his lifestyle. It's quite possible he has done this sort of thing before, with other women.
I urge you to get away from this guy, if not for yourself, do it for your daughter. This guy is completely lacking in principles and you don't want him being a big influence in her life. Neither would you want her to see you being verbally abused. I am sure you both suffered enough in your previous marriage.
Maxy
Dear Maxy ,
I used to think there was a social etiquette regarding headphones . Specifically that if someone had his headphones on , he did not want to spoken to unless it was absolutely necessary . I guess I must have made that up , because my girlfriend will speak to me regardless of what I am doing at home and expect me to listen . It's been driving me nuts ; I like to have my personal time , but if she wants to tell a story or speak to me for whatever reason , she will say it from across the apartment and get peeved that I didn't listen . I didn't even hear her speaking ! I told her I'd like to have some quiet time when I have my headphones in , but she insists her stories and questions are quick and important . I have wanted to bring up the fack that it is unspoken social etiquette not to bother someone when he has headphones on .
Am I in the wrong , or is my girlfriend in the wrong ?
Quiet Time
Dear Quiet Time ,
In order to have peaceful quiet time, you and your girlfriend need to talk about boundaries, expectations and ways of living together that are agreeable for both of you.
A relationship requires compromise from both partners if it has a hope of succeeding. As much as people may love each other, learning to live together requires a lot of work and give and take.
Schedule a time when the two of you can sit down together and discuss your needs, desires, your likes and dislikes, habits and preferences. And be prepared to listen to hers and make compromises. She should do the same. Find that middle zone where you are both comfortable . You are right in as much as everyone needs some space and private time, but not to such an extent that you are excluding or offending your partner.
Maxy
My wife's niece has a 3-year-old child whom we love dearly . We help take care of this child and pay for a great deal of the baby's care .
The problem is , my wife frequently offers advice to her niece . The niece cusses her out and my wife ends up in tears . But my wife insists she has to to keep doing this in order to help the baby.
I disagree with her logic . I told her simply repeating the same pattern over and over , setting herself up for misery . This niece is not a nice person . She treats her own mother (my wife's sister) poorly .
Her crying is disturbing to me . My wife is a social worker and says that she helps strangers , so why can't she help her own family ?
Stop Already
Dear Stop ,
She can't help her own family because she is too involved and cannot be objective enough . She also believes her background in social work will somehow give her more authority or influence over her niece , when it obviously does not .
She is meeting with such resistance from her niece it is plain to see that avenue is a dead end. And if she persists, you may lose access to the child you both love and the child will lose the love and care of extended family, that she plainly needs.
Your wife seems like a very concerned and caring person but my best advice is that she give the constant advice a rest, and simply transfer her professional skills toward the care of the little girl, who will benefit from being loved by someone who has a great deal to give .
Maxy
I keep reading letters from women who are concerned that their husbands of many years look at porn , go to strip clibs or have affairs . That sounds awful . But guess what can happen after 25 years of marriage ? Husbands look forward to the last 25 years of their lives with their loving wives , and all of a sudden , the wives act as though they don't like their husbands anymore . All affection stops and some wives even announce that there will be no more sex ever .
We men wonder what is going on and then realize that this is menopause . So now , the last 25 years are not going to be nearly as good as anticipated .
More than half of my male friends got divorced when their wives were in their late 50s and sometime the wife initiated the divorce . I have not had sex with my wife in years . Please don't advice counseling or hormones . The women don't believe anything is wrong , and they are justifiably reluctant to take drugs that have serious side affects .
So , ladies , decide which is better : Men viewing porn and masturbating (which the medical community agrees is healthy for men who aren't having sex with their partners) or getting a divorce because the husbands are starved for affection or sex . There are two sides to every story .
S.
Dear S.
You have made a valid point that a lot of women will not like . But several things can cause the loss of libido in women: childbirth, menopause and recently researchers have discovered that drops in a woman's testosterone level cause a drop in libido. Contrary to common belief, testosterone is not just a male hormone. It is testosterone that influences sex drive in women as well as men.
Testosterone levels fall as people age. By the time a woman is 45 she has lost around fifty percent of the hormone. Nature designed her that way because she is past child bearing years and no longer needs to feel that drive. Some women experience a more dramatic loss than others. It is not something she chooses to do, it just happens. Interest in sex just doesn't exist any more. And with the loss of testosterone and estrogen, in many cases, intercourse can become uncomfortable.
But everyone needs intimacy, affection, the comfort of touching and most women continue to enjoy that side of marital sex if is has been nurtured and demonstrated over the years. And she should be as sensitive to her husband's needs as he should be to hers. I understand why a guy can be bewildered by this turn of events, but you also have to ask yourself if you played a part in this situation too. How did you handle it ? Did you become resentful ?
Have you really sought a healing solution or too readily turned to other means of gratification? Both husbands and wives need to be educated about these changes and understand how to best handle them. As you say, there are two sides to every story.
Maxy
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