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Thursday, August 27, 2015

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
For the past five years , I have been complaining about my husband to everyone who would listen , it seems like . He was so irritating to me in a thousand different ways and after I had talked to him about it forever . I took to talk to other people . Earlier this year , a friend of mine lost her husband to cancer . She had been a big complainer about him too . I have watched though , how grief has changed her view of him and their relationship. She seems to be filled with remorse about his death and about how she was unkind to him , even though she admits he was also unkind to her . This has got me to thinking : I don't want to die mad at my husband or at myself . I really would like to have a happy marriage , but I don't have a clue as to how to mend our old wounds . What do you suggest ?
Reclaiming Love
 Dear  Reclaiming Love,
Your marriage has become dysfunctional and you are talking to everyone about it except the person you should be talking to. Have you ever wondered how your constant carping makes your husband feel? You have lost the ability to see things from your husband's perspective . He does have one , you know.
Be grateful that your eyes have been opened to the possibility of change !  There's hope for you if your husband feels the same way. I think that beneath the hostility and apathy, you both long for a safe harbor. Now, let go of your anger and go home and tell your husband  about your revelation .
 Tell him you want to have a healthier , happier marriage  and that you hope he wants that , too. Suggest that you and he get counseling support to help guide you both in the right direction to a more loving place.
Do your best to remember all the happy times that you spent  together . What did you enjoy  doing when you first got married ? What made you smile ? That's a good starting point. Talk to each other  about dating again .  Take it slow, with a renewed  commitment.

Dear Maxy ,
One of my new friends from work likes to write me texts and other messages to get together and update me about various things . She never spell my name right , which drives me up the wall . My name is not difficult , but even if it were , it is written in my signature on my emails and my stationery . I have written her back and always spell out my name , hoping she will notice . So far , she's oblivious . Is it rude for me to point out how to spell my name ? It irritates me every time I see that she spells it wrong. What should I do ?
Spell Check
 Dear Spell Check ,
I am a believer in telling people up front, rather than hoping they will figure it out .  You cannot expect her to read your thoughts or feel your frustration. Chances are, your new eager friend  is so excited  about connecting with you  that she has no idea  that she is offending you by misspelling your name .
 Stewing about it is not good for you and may spoil a relationship that might be fun and mutually enjoyable. You may also get the same result if you get annoyed and reprimand her.  So, the next time you text her, simply say , "FYI" : This is how you spell my name ."

Dear Maxy ,
I am a 29-year-old married woman with a 14-month-old son . My husband and I live one hour away from his dad and stepmother , "Gladys" and two hours from my parents .We all get along great .
When I decided to go back to work , both my mother and Gladys volunteered to watch my son two days apiece . I pay a neighbor to watch him the remaining day , especially since she has two kids of her own and I want my son to have some socialization . It's a perfect setup , and every is happy except my husband's mother , who lives in another state . She is furious that I allow Gladys to watch my son , stating that she was "not related" and not really his grandma" and she will never love him like a real grandma should .
My mother-in-law wants me to have the neighbor watch my son for the two days Gladys is now taking and she even offered to pay the neighbor so it would not come out of my pocket .
My husband has a close relationship with his mother and a polite one with Gladys . (His mother never allowed him to get close to his stepmother, even though she didn't come into the picture until years after the divorce). He's on the fence about this arrangement. But , Maxy , I love Gladys . She is a retired kindergarten teacher who is wonderful with my son .
My MIL is giving me a headache over this . I always thought we had a great relationship and her demands blindsided me . Now she's angry that I have allowed Gladys to have a relationship with our son altogether . I haven't mention any of this to Gladys , but I'm sure she would be heartbroken. She truly loves our son and he loves her . What should I do ?
Caught Between Two MILs
Dear  Caught  Between two  MILs ,
Shame on your mother-in-law  for being  so  jealous and bitter  that she would interfere in your child rearing decisions and prevent your son and grandson from  having a loving relationship  with Gladys .  In all honesty, it is none of her concern. 
If your husband has no logical objections to the arrangements you have made for your baby's care, then I hope he has the gumption  to tell his mother that  her input is always respected, but these are not her decisions to make. 
He, or you should also be very honest with her and say that it's time she put her hostility away and accepted Gladys as a family member who is important to you and to your son. Gladys is not going to go away and your MIL's bitterness is only hurting herself and damaging her relationship with the family.
Enough already .

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