Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy,
My 95-year-old father,"Fred" lives  on his own, far away from his three  children . Until now, Dad has  been in good health, even still driving . My siblings  and I have  been trying to convince Dad to move near  to one of  us  so we can care  for  him, but he refuses .
Dad has a girlfriend name "Gina," whom he met right after Mom died seven years ago . Gina  is 20 years  younger  than Dad. At first it was companionship  that kept them  together but recently Gina  is more of a caregiver . Dad is increasingly  dependent  on this woman  and seems unable to make a decision  without  consulting her first .
We see Dad's health deteriorating, both mentally and  physically and don't think  he is getting the basic care he needs. How do we get him  to give up Gina  and come live with one of  us ? Are we doing the right thing  to even ask it of him ? We worry  we aren't  doing our  best  for our  father . What do you think ?
Confused Daughter
Dear Confused,
I think you are caring  children who want what's best for  your father, but it  can be traumatizing  and frightening  to move  to a new  city, especially  at the age of  95 . Dad  has been with Gina  for seven years  and is undoubtedly quite attached  to her . She is trying to care  for him, but this  is a big  job.
Making these decisions  and knowing  when Dad is no longer capable of doing so on his may require professional assistance . I suggest  you pay an in-person visit to Dad as soon as possible  and assess the situation . Does he  need a housekeeper ? A full-time caregiver ? If he cannot afford in-home services, could  you move him  to a continuing care  facility near Gina ? Are there  day-care facilities  nearby ? Would Dad  visit you for an extended  stay, perhaps becoming familiar  with your  neighborhood  and less  resistant  to relocating ? Contact the Eldercare Locator  ( eldercare.gov)  at 1-800-677-1116 or a private  geriatric care  manager (  caremanager.org ) to help  you figure  out the best plan.
Maxy

Dear Maxy,
Over the years , I have  always been  the poor one in our  family . My siblings  have made a lot more money than me, and they have supported  me in all kinds of ways . Of course, I appreciate  their generosity, but I want to pull my own weight too. The other day  I had lunch with my brother at a local restaurant  and the meal was quite  affordable, so when the check came, I immediately reached  to pay for it . My brother shrugged me off and paid the tab . I tried to tell him that I wanted to take care of it, but he wouldn't listen . Should I leave well enough alone or  follow up  and let him know that I am making an effort  to contribute  more now  that I am earning  a little more .
Not  totally Broke
Dear Not Totally Broke,
There is no need to go to  your  siblings  to  complain about not  being allowed to foot the tab for a meal . They have become accustomed  to paying  for  your tab  and expect  that they will handle it . Since  you are not in a position to pay regularly  for whatever  may come up, don't protest this . Instead, do little things  that show your appreciation  to your family members . You can write them notes  expressing  your gratitude . You can send or give them small personal gifts  (perhaps flowers) to show  you care . And next time  you go  to an affordable  restaurant, you can announce in advance  that  you will be picking up the check .
Maxy

Dear Maxy,
It is  the end of the school year  and it is customary  to give  gifts  to the teachers . I have  gotten emails  from other parents  asking  for money  for a group gift .While I know this is what people do, I feel uncomfortable  about being forced  to participate . Is it wrong  for me  to buck the group  plan and give on my own ? I understand  that we have  a limit  on the amount  of money  that each family  gives but what if I decide  to give a small amount  or even if  my child gives  something she makes rather than money ? How  can I present  this  to the  class parents  so that my child  doesn't  end up  being the  outcast ?
Against the Shakedown
Dear Against the Shakedown,
Each school  has a particular  culture. You should be  crystal  clear  about  yours  before  you make a decision . Check school policy . It may be that classes  typically  give  as a unit . If so,  you can  tell the  class parents  that rather  than giving  cash,  you choose  to give a different  type of  gift.
That said, you may want to  give  a small  monetary gift  just so  that you can  be at least peripherally part of the  class culture .
Remember that children want and need to  feel part of their class.
Maxy