Chuckles

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, sugar lump?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, Etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face? "

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long I'll be right back. I promise.

OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...

"LISTEN UP SHIT HEAD!  DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR DAMNED FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR
MOTHERFUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE!
GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"

...and, they lived happily ever after.

A professor of mathematics left this letter on the kitchen counter.
Dear Wife,
You must realize that you are a 56 years old and I have certain needs which you ar eno longer able to satisy.  I am otherwise happy with you as a wife and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Hilton Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant.  I'll be home before midnight.
     Your Husband
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:Dear Husband,
You, too, are 56 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Sheraton Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy.  Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.  Therefore, don't wait up.
     Your Wife

The Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.  "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum
powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The
Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep.  Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.


Maxy  says these authentic letters will make you chuckle

The following are actual letters that Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) admitted she was at a total loss to answer:

Dear Abby,  A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.   One is a middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties.  These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out.   Do you think they could be Lebanese?
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Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?
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Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not sure this baby I'm carrying is even his.
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Dear Abby, I am a 23-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years.   It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
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Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.   Should I believe him?
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Dear Abby, My 40-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour very week for 2 + years.   He must be crazy.
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Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift?   I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't, and he did it.
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Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered.   Do you think she is going through her mental pause?
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Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor.   Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he IS a doctor.   What now?