Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I am a single  mother of  four  and  my  15-year-old  is out of  control . He lives with my  mother, has  been arrested  twice  in the past year  and is  currently  on probation for  a year. My  mother  does  not  discipline  him nor  does  she  make  him do  any chores . He is  hanging  out  with the  wrong  crowd   and every time  he  gets into trouble  I am the one to the  rescue . I am  getting tired  because I have  three other  children that  need  my attention . I need  my  mom to help raise  my son  because I really need  help  with him . Please  help .
Confused  and  Worried  Mom
Dear  Confused  and  Worried  Mom ,
You have  gotten yourself  into an unmanageable situation  for which  you are responsible  . After  all, you are the  mom to all these  children  . Since  your  mother  is not providing  enough guidance based  on  your  son's  needs,  you have  to make  a shift . Find  out  if  your  mother  would  feel more comfortable  helping  you take  care  of one or two of  your younger  children . She obviously cannot handle or discipline your son. Perhaps  the other children are less volatile  and would be  easier  for her  to manage.
I recommend that you talk honestly  with your  mother  about  your  predicament . And then bring  your  son home  so that you can actively  parent  him .  That is what he has needed all along. Use every moment  that  you can  to talk to  him  about his  choices  and encourage  him to make  smarter  ones . Do your  best  to get him into activities  that will keep him off  the streets  and away  from bad  influences . He needs emotional support and a firm guiding hand from his mother. Don't be shy about getting help from a professional who specializes in juvenile counseling. Ask your family doctor to refer you to one.
Maxy

Dear  Maxy ,
I don't like my friend's boyfriend because we were involved romantically, briefly, several years ago ago and it  did not end well . She  keeps  gushing  about  him  and telling  me intimate details of their  relationship and sex life . I'm happy that she's  happy and I would  love to hear  all about  their  romance  if the  guy  was  anyone  else . Is there  any way  that I can  indicate  that I don't  want to hear  all of the  details  without  coming off  as unsupportive  or  jealous ?
Hard to Cosign
Dear Hard  to Cosign,
First of  all,  you do not have  to listen to  intimate  details of  anyone's sex life, even if the person is  your  best friend . Certain  information should be very private and most people keep it that way. I am going to assume  that your  friend  does  not  know that you once dated  this  guy . You do not  necessarily  have to tell her, especially  since it is long  over . You  most certainly, should  not spoil  her  fun either, by being  a Debbie  Downer . You can  change the  subject when she  goes  into details, making  it impossible  for  her to go on recounting intimacies. If she does not pick up on your hints, you may have to directly tell her that  you  do  not want  to hear so much detail . It is usually the best way and  if she is a real friend, it won't affect your relationship.
Maxy

Dear  Maxy,
We are  perplexed  as to  the actions of our  grown children . We are  not  perfect parents, but  consider  ourselves  to have  been pretty  good . Our  kids  grew up in a nice home where their  friends were welcome  and they were  involved  in church  and extracurricular  activities . Now that  they have their  own homes, my  wife  and I continue to help by  babysitting  and  lending  a hand  when needed .  But  as  we find  ourselves  aging  and occasionally  needing  help  from them, no help is forthcoming . Why ? What  makes adult  children  tune out the needs of aging  parents ? We  feel hurt  by their  lack of  caring,
Confused  Mom and  Dad
Dear Mom and Dad,
Have  you asked  your  children  for  specific  help ? Sometimes  parents  expect  the  children  to know  what they  need, but the  kids can be oblivious. They go on assuming  their parents  are as  competent  and capable  as they always  have  been . Also, some  parents  expect  children, who have family obligations of their own,  to do chores that consume many weekends, rightly belonging to their own kids.  And often, the parents  are perfectly  able to hire someone to do the work. Kids can come to resent this attitude of entitlement.
So, please  be direct . Say, ( for example )"we  are  finding  it  difficult  to change the  light  bulbs in our  house  because  we are unsteady on the  step-ladder  . Could  you come by one  day this week  and take  care of it  for us ? We'd truly  appreciate  it."  If you are specific,  kids will generally, gladly comply when asked .
Maxy