Maxy's Hideout

Dear Maxy,
I am a 57 year-old man with no siblings  and my mother is deceased . My 82-year old father is physically healthy, but he's in the early stages of dementia . He has a few hobbies  to keep him busy, but for some reason, he has become obsessed with me .
Dad has become rather "needy." Sometimes he calls me two three times  a day, even when I'm at work . He insists I go to his house everyday, even if there is no particular  reason .
I know Dad is probably lonely, but still . He doesn't have a lot of friends  due to his attitude  and sharp tongue . He has become demanding, insisting  I do things immediately  rather  than when I have the time . He also has grown very mean-mouthed  and pouts if he doesn't get his way .
This is getting to me  and putting a strain  on my family . What do you suggest ?
Crazy in Kansas
Dear Kansas ,
I think your Dad is frightened  . He knows he is slipping  and finds reassurance  in your constant presence . Dementia also can affect his personality . Call and visit him when you can . When you don't have time to run errands, calmly and repeatedly say that you will get to them on the weekend ( or whenever) and follow through . Ignore  the rants . I also suggest  you go with him to his next doctor's appointment  and discuss your concerns . And please contact the Alzheimer's Association (alz.org) for information on resources  and assistance  because this is likely to get more difficult for you .
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
My husband and I have a blended family  with his two girls and my three sons . I was so grateful  that we both took this challenge .
We had some good times  and we had some bad times  and when I say bad I mean horrible . Our children are all adults now, and we are still butting heads  over them, mostly my boys .
He has given up on two of my sons  because he says they don't respect him , not to mention some less than legal activity they decided  to embark on in our home  while we were on vacation .
But Maxy, I feel as if he has never really cared for them . I try to help them with rides  or letting them wash their clothes  at our house  or whatever I can .
People mature at different levels  and maybe I help too much , but they are my kids . At what point am I supposed to turn my back on them ?
My husband says that because I help them against his wishes, it means I love them more than him . That isn't true .
One son is homeless  and has to look for a place to stay every night  . That breaks my heart . My husband found him downstairs sleeping one morning  and told me I better  get him out  or he would call the police . He won't even allow me to let my son shower here .
I realize the boys need to make it on their own, but am I supposed to turn my back on them when they need help ?
At what point  do you give up on your kids  and choose your husband instead ? I feel like such a horrible mom .
Worried
Dear Worried ,
Your husband should not be issuing ultimatums  wherein you must choose  between the man you love  and the children you love .
This is unfair  and creates tremendous reseentment . Your husband may have good cause to want the kids out the house, but it's difficult  to do when they have no place to go . How old are they ?
Do they have jobs? Would you temporarily  assist with their rent  if you got them out your house ? Are there substance-abuse issues  that need treatment ? Try 'Because I Love You' (bily.org), and ask your husband to work with you on this .
Maxy

Dear Maxy,
I walked in on a conversation  that my 9-year-old daughter had with one of her friends . The girls were saying some bad things  about one of their classmates  because she wore the same clothes  just about everyday  of the week . I was disappointed  and shocked . I did not raise her to judge people  by what they wear . I am fortunate enough to have resources  to make sure my children  are properly clothed . I think I may need to teach my children  a lesson  about helping the less fortunate . Do you have any suggestions ?
Mom in Shock
Dear Mom in Shock,
By all means go back to your daughter . Ask her to tell you  what she and her friend  were discussing . Prompt her to be forthcoming  about their conversation and gently nudge her toward revealing more about the other student  and her circumstances .
Next ask her about her life  and the privileges  that she receives . Do these things make her "better than" the other girl ? Chances are she will say "yes" because you have been teaching her otherwise . Point out that making fun of someone less fortunate than you, is cruel . Have your daughter consider how she would feel if someone were speaking  about her in that way . Do some role playing  with her so that the impact  of the unkind  words become real to her . Make it crystal clear  that you do not condone  such behavior  . Instead of criticizing, let her know  you would prefer  that she offer the student some clothing  or other necessities  to help make her life easier .
Maxy