Ask Maxy

Maxy's Nana is a guest writer for a few weeks . She is 89 years old and gives advice from a wealth of experience. We hope you will enjoy her as much as we do.

Dear Maxy ,
Twenty years ago , my wife  had an affair  with a co-worker . It ended when he moved back to his home a state 2,000 miles away  . At the same time, I asked my wife  to go to counselling with me . We made it to one session  before she pronounced  our marriage "healed."
Sixteen months ago , this same guy  contracted  my wife via email  and the began communicating  . I discovered they were planning to meet  in Las Vegas, I begged her not to go, but she was convinced  she loved him  and had to know if they should be together . The month before her trip, I endured more pain  than I've ever experienced  . I set up counselling sessions  for us with  separate therapists, arranged a meeting  with our pastor  and lost 20 pounds  from the stress .
In the end, this creep flaked out  on their Vegas rendezvous , probably because  he couldn't see himself  leaving his children for her  . She was also reluctant  to leave our kids . However, the breakup crushed her  and she initially  refused  to work on our marriage  . Finally we went to a joint counselling  session , but when the therapist made a reference to her "profound betrayal," that was that .
My wife refuses to rehash  what happened  . I'm worried  that the only reason   she is recommitting to our marriage  is because the other  man gave up on her . Things just don't feel the same . She insists she's done with this guy, but who really knows ? Is it possible to move forward without dealing with the past  ?
Torn Up
Dear Torn Up ,
Maybe, but not if your wife is using  your marriage  as her rebound  relationship  in order to soothe  her heartbreak . That's a temporary  committment . Refusing  to examine  the reasons  behind  her vulnerability  to the affair  leaves open  the possibility of repeating the betrayal  ... and this is undoubtedly  what most worries you .  You cannot force  your wife to work  on this, so please get counselling  for yourself, on your own . You need to learn what you can live with .
Maxy
Nana says,
Sorry, but you both need a little straight talk: 'Torn Up', you are weak and no doubt blind to your wife's problems and she has a bunch of them. You don't need a sometimes wife and the kids don't need a sometimes mother.  Your wife needs the excitement of clandestine sex, the wickedness of an affair. She may call it love but it isn't. She will never accept councelling and she will never rehash her affair  because it would destroy her illusions. However, she will probably repeat  the betrayal at the next opportunity because she knows you are weak and will take her back. She will always use your weakness against  you. One  or both of you should call it quits. When you see the situation from a distance you will see it more clearly.

Dear Maxy ,
I am a grandfather in my 70s . I was excited  to learn about Facebook  and start conversing  with friends and relatives . I love seeing all their pictures  and videos and reading  their  statuses  and comments . I always  make comments  and give compliments  on their pictures , etc .
But is it wrong for me  to be hurt  and resentful  when some of them completely ignore me in return ? Is it mainly  the relatives that do this .
These are the same people  to whom I have sent checks  in hard times  and for every ocassion  and it bothers me  when I see that they comment to other friends, but act like I don't exist .
I don't understand  their behavior . They act as if  it would cost them long-distance-money  to respond to me .
I believe you can find out a lot  about people  by friending them on Facebook . You discover which ones are really interested in you and which ones simply like to post pictures of themselves . It is so self centered  . What should I do .
Hurt
Dear Hurt ,
Please don't mistake Facebook  for genuine friendship  and a true relationship . It is simply a convenient way to keep track  of others' activities  and life events  and let them know about yours .
Some people are considerate  and responsive (like you), and others , less so . Your relatives, in particular, may think that their relationship  with you is  covered outside of Facebook  and therefore  doesn't require  the same degree  of attentiveness  online . It's OK to ask when you see them  in person , but I urge you not to take this too seriously . I don't believe  it is anyone's intent  to hurt your feelings .
Maxy
Nana says,
Maxy is right on the dot with his advice. That is what family does. They are too familiar with you so they take you for granted. You are like part of the furniture, a favorite old chair....always there and very comfortable. My daughter has complained of this very problem with Facebook. She tries to keep up with all her grandchildren and leaves loving messages but they don't often reply. They like knowing you are always there for them and supporting them and they appreciate it from the heart even if they seldom say it. Try not leaving a message for a while and see what happens.

Dear Maxy ,
I always felt my mother  and I were inseparable . I never thought I would be blessed to marry a wonderful man and that it would damage our relationship, but it did .
My mom has had a great influence on my life  for 32 years , but this had to end . She only developed  a problem with my then-boyfriend  when she saw it was serious . She tried everything to break us up, including having him investigated , she told me he  was "no good." I chose not to listen  to her . I'm happy  I did . I couldn't ask for a better husband .
My mom did not come  to my wedding  and refuses to come to my house, saying I chose a man over her . But Maxy , I cannot allow  her to continue to be disrespectful of my husband  . Please tell your readers that trying to control their children will only push them away  and create resentment  . My mom centered her life around me and now feels lost .
I'm still struggling to adjust  to not having  her in my life, but I refuse  to leave my husband  to make her happy . I have made grat choices  . Many mothers would love to have  a daughter and son-in-law  like us .Is there anything I can do ?
Missing my Mom
Dear Missing my Mom ,
Your mother's jealousy has clouded her thinking  and instead of a close, warm relationship with you, your husband  and your future children, she has isolated herself  in bitterness . I hope you will give her  the opportunity to get past this, although  it may take time  and a good deal  of forgiveness  on your part .
Continue  to periodically  reach  out to her, inviting  her to your  home  with the understanding  that she must treat your husband  with decency . Over time, I suspect  she will miss you enough to make the effort .
Maxy.
Nana says,
You are doing the right thing. It is your life and you must live it the way you know is best for you.  All moms are a little jealous when their daughters marry. Your mom  just got carried away by her feelings and she can't get things back in perspective. When she has had sufficient time to think things through she will start to see her behavior as unreasonable and will realize that she may be denied access to her future grandchildren. If you keep an open mind and an open door she will come around. If you were the center of her universe, just imagine how lonely she is right now.
But when she is in  your home, make it clear that your husband is to be treated with respect. Just don't expect too much too soon. The ball is in her court.