Ask Maxy

Much to our delight, Maxy's Nana (89 years old) will be a guest advisor on 'Ask Maxy' for a few weeks; Providing us with her own unique view on the letters we receive.

Dear Maxy ,
My family wants to move to another  state . The only reason we haven't is because of my dad's job . He has worked for the same company  for 18 years and doesn't want to  lose his retirement  benefits . I understand how important  the job is, but the company would easily  allow a transfer  to another branch .
Whenever we try to talk  to dad  about moving, he gets angry  and yells at us  or leaves the room  in frustration . It's causing  a lot of tension  at home . We feel stuck  and unhappy  here  and makes me upset with my father  for not putting an effort  into moving . He has told us  many times  that he wants to go somewhere else  , yet he doesn't  do anything  to make it happen .
Dad was looking at real estate prices in a city we vacationed in last year, but seems to have forgotten about it . How do we help him see  that moving is best for  all of us ? There is no downside  . Other branches of the company  pay better than  the one he works at now, and there's also the possibility  that he could find a job  with an entirely different company  that's even better for him .
I think dad is worried  about selling the house, but how will he know  whether  he can sell it  if he doesn't try ? He is also resistant to change . How can we help him ?
Loving daughter
Dear Loving Daughter ,
Moving away may seem like a simple thing to you  , but for your father , it is fraught  with uncertainty . You don't know his company  would offer  to tranfer him . You don't know that he could find a better , or even an adequate  job somewhere  else  and start from scratch  to support his family  . You don't know  that he could sell the house  for enough to buy another  one . All of these things  weigh on his mind  and your constant  pressure adds  to his unhappiness and stress .
Here's how you can help your dad : Tell him you know  he is doing what he thinks is best  for the family . Don't bring up the subject  again . He knows how you feel  . Decide to  make the best  of the situation  you have  and if you don't move away , you have the option of leaving on your own  when you are an adult .
Maxy
Nana says,
I agree with Maxy. At your age it is difficult to understand why anyone would get upset about moving to another state. You are young and bursting with energy and a sense of adventure. Your father, on the other hand, has a family to protect and care for. He has taken this responsibility seriously for all the years he has worked and built up security for you all. He is looking ahead to his retirement now and does not want to jeopardize that.
The economy is very shaky. There is no guarantee he can get a job at his age or get a transfer with full benefits. When you get to a certain age it is hard to start all over again: new place, new job, new home. He is aware of all these things and I know most men in his position, in these uncertain times, would not risk it all on a whim.
When you are on vacation and relaxed you can look at a real estate pamphlet and dream a little but reality is much different.
Give him a little peace and quiet and a hug for all he has done for you. Your turn will come soon enough.

Dear Maxy ,
The woman  who sits  at a cubicle  across  from me is unhygienic , in my opinion  .  She picks her nose and then uses the telephone without ever cleaning her hands or the instrument . She picks her teeth and leaves her  used dental floss  on her desk . Then she wants to come into my space and touch things . I don't want her hands on anything  that I touch  . Who can imagine  that kind of  behavior ?
What can I say to her  that won't seem rude  but lets her know  she can't cross the invisible line  of my area unless she cleans herself up .
Cleanliness First
`
Dear Cleanliness First
You have to state the obvious; otherwise  your office  mate will never pick up  on your cues . For whatever  reason , she doesn't realize her  behavoir  is unhygienic . She is oblivious  to how her  actions can make  the environment unsafe  for others .
When no one is around, tell her that  you have noticed things that she does that  concern you . Run down the list . Tell that especially now, during  flu season, you do not want to catch any illnesses . Implore  her to clean  up her  desk area, sanitize  it and wash her hands  when she uses the restroom .
She  will likely be embarrassed and even angry, but at least  you will have said it . If she does not comply , ask her to stay out  of your work area . You may have to remind her from time to time .
Maxy
Nana says,
Maxy is right; however I would try a little subtlety or diplomacy first. You don't want an altercation in the work place if you can help it. Why don't you buy a bottle of hand sanitizer for her desk and yours. Then tell her it is advised to keep your hands very clean during flu season and show her the bottle on your own desk. In fact, say that you use yours all the time to avoid all the nasty bacteria that people spread constantly. That would be a start.  If she doesn't pick up on the message you are  giving her you can always resort to the  brutal truth.

Dear Maxy ,
I got into a huge argument  with my husband  last week over  stupid stuff . I feel like we ague  every five minutes  about something . I am so sick of him . We have been married about 10 years, but I'm beginning  to feel that  it isn't worth it . If everything  is negative, what's the point ?
This time it is so crazy  because we were arguing  about going on vacation . I had one idea  and he had another. I introduced  the idea  to see if  a change of pace might do us  some good . Even that blew up on me .
I'm nearly ready to pack my bags  and fly  but feel  that is cowardly . This has to stop . What can I do ?
On the Brink

Dear On the Brink ,
Too bad  you argued about a vaction . Taking  time away  from the rigors  of your life  can be restorative  for couples  who are  having martital difficulties . Do you think you can revisit  the idea  of a vacation  from a more neutral frame  of reference ? Go back to your husband  and ask  if he is willing  to broach the topic again . If so, do your best  to select an activity that  you both will enjoy .
If you cannot  find a way  to have that discussion, then it's time  for another one . It could start  with a frank  conversation  where, during a quiet  moment,  you ask your husband  what he wants and if that  still includes being married to you . Be prepared  to admit  that you are questioning  whether the two  of you should stay together . If you can speak  openly and honestly  about how you feel about your relationship, you may be  able to begin  a real  discussion that evaluates  your life together .
Getting a counselor  to help  both of you navigate the next steps  is also  advisable . You may  be able to learn  how to speak  more diplomatically and respectfully  to each other, which can be amazingly helpful in supporting  a relationship . Figure  out  what your triggers are and how  you can  look at things differently . Then revisit  whether  you think  you can work  together  or need to separate .
Maxy
Nana Says,
There is an option you might like to try first. It sounds like the spark has gone out of your marriage and you are living in a kind of resentful boredom. I was married for more than 50 years and had that feeling from time to time. 
Can you remember when you loved each other so much you couldn't live without each other? Maybe you still do. It may be that you are just going through a kind of ten year itch. Perhaps you just need a bit of a change, a breath of fresh air.
My husband and I spent weekends apart when we felt that way. I went to Las Vegas with a friend and he went golfing. You find, after a while, that you miss each other and realize you would be having more fun if you were together.  It's worth a try before you start a chain of events you may regret and may not be able to stop, once in motion.
Nana.