Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I have been in love with Cliff for four years. Two years ago we got a house together. When he lost his job he became angry, indifferent and didn't seem to care about me any more.
  I tried  to tough it out, believing it would get better, but when Cliff became verbally abusive, I took my two kids  and left . I asked him if he wanted me to stay  and he said no  he didn't think things would improve .
We kept trying  to fix the relationship  or at least I did . But Cliff was dating  other women  and lied to me about it  and the whole thing  has become  a hurtful mess .
I still love Cliff, but don't know whether  I can trust him anymore. My guilt  over leaving him  and his son to  to deal with the foreclosure on the house  we bought  together kills me .
He won't  express any anger, even though I can see  his resentment . He also  won't address the lies . Is this a lost cause .
Am I hoping for too much ?
Love Struck
Dear Love Struck ,
You could make excuses  for Cliff's terrible behavior  by believing his job loss depressed him and he  couldn't cope .
But that only underscores  a certain level of immaturity  and irresponsibility. When the going  gets tough , Cliff lies and cheats .
Life is filled  with tough times  and your partner  should be someone  you can count on . Cliff doesn't seem terribly  interested in working on your relationship . At some point, you have to make the decisions that are best for your children  . Professional  counseling  can help  you work  through this  and move forward .
Maxy
Nana says,
Phooey! All this angst over a lying, cheating man with no backbone. I am so old I have seen this kind of thing time and again. See a councelor if you can't handle your own life; that's fine. But I might suggest you give your kids a hug, dress up and go out on the town with someone you like ...kick up your heels. The whole world is out there waiting for you. Don't worry yourself sick over someone like Cliff. Let him sit home and sulk about himself. You did the right thing.

Dear Maxy,
I recently lost my spouse  and now attend a grief support group that can be very helpful .
However, there are a couple  of members  of this group  who monopolize  the conversation for at least half of the time allotted for the total meeting  and worse, they repeat the same ting over and over  again .
We also have  a new member  who attends  to support a friend  whose husband died, now we know all about her  abusive childhood .
Grief  groups  work well  by sharing pain  caused by loss of a loved one . Members support  one another .
This is not possible unless there is an open  and caring  interchange  between members . Perhaps  those members who are causing problems  will see this .
Southern Griever
Dear Southern ,
There should be a councelor of some kind to moderate these discussions and keep order so everyone gets a chance to speak their mind.
Although a certain  amount  of off-topic discussions  can be appropriate  and healing , no one should  monopolize  the sessions  so often  that it prevents  other from expressing themselves. Speak to your moderator about it.  Another option is finding a group more suitable to your needs.
Maxy
Nana says,
Next time you attend your grief support meeting, perhaps, you could suggest to all the members that each person gets a time limit of five minutes and keep going round the circle of members until the meeting is over. If no one wants to be the time keeper, take your kitchen timer with you.

Dear Maxy ,
My parents and brother  live in another state . A few years ago  my brother went through a nasty divorce  . He and my eleven-year-old niece, "Debra" are still estranged  from his ex-wife .
The issue is how my mother  is reacting to the divorce . She was very shocked  by the events  leading up  to their separation and think  it has damaged  her  trust in people . She seems to be transferring this anxiety onto Debra .
Mom wants to protect Debra  from all disappointments  in life , and together  they have  developed  an "us against  the world" mentality .
Maxy , there are other family members  who love Debra  and want to be part of a loving support system for her  and yet  we feel shut out  by the alliance  with my mother . Debra goes  to her grandmother  almost exclusively  with all her feelings  and I get the sense  that  Mom enjoys  being  so important to her .
I know  that my mother  loves  Debra immensely  , but I'm not sure whether  she is helping  or hurting . What do you think ?
Ambivalent
Dear Ambivalent,
It all depends on whether your mother is helping or hurting Debra. If your mother acts  as Debra's confidante  and works through the girl's feeling of abandonment  or grief  over the divorce she is helping . Debra  may find  that her grandmother  is easy to talk with  and seems to understand her best , in which case she is more likely to confide in her exclusively.
However , if Mom is deliberately  keeping Debra  away from family members  and encouraging her to blame her mother  or father  , mistrust others or behave  secretively , she is doing harm .
Maxy
Nana says,
An eleven year old is perceptive enough to know in her heart  who she trusts with her feelings. Kids are smart. Don't worry about her. Just be thankful she is surrounded by a loving family. Normally she would go to her mother with all her feelings and problems. Since she no longer is close to her mom, her grandma is a natural choice for a substitute.  She needs a confidante (singular). You will be able to tell from her demeanor and behavior if the relationship has a negative influence but that's highly unlikely. 'Thank Heavens for grandmas!'