Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy,
My daughter is having a challenge with her teachr, and I'm not sure how to handle it . The other day she came home  and told me her teacher  spoke to her in a way that made her  feel like the teacher thinks she is an idiot . My daughter is in the third grade .
I know this teacher can be sharp  and harsh  with her students . I believe she thinks this is the way  to get them to behave . My daughter has never used language  like that before to talk about herself  or anybody else. "Idiot" is a strong word, like a curse  word in our house .
I want to get to the bottom  of this to find  out what is going on in the class room  and what the teacher thinks my daughter is doing . I also wants to tell the teacher  I don't appreciate her talking down to my daughter . I am so angry, though, that I don't know how to begin .
Mad Mom

Dear Mad Mon ,
Take a few deep breaths  and compose yourself . Talk to your daughter  again and find out  what was going on  when her teacher  made her feel like an idiot .
Gently ask her  to explain  the circumstances  . It is likely  that something  your child did  or didn't do precipitated it , which doesn't necessarily excuse the behavior . You are gathering  information . Listen carefully  so you can recite  what your daughter  shares with you later .
Schedule an appointment  with the teacher  and tell her  about your daughter's concerns . Describe  the scenario  as through your daughter's eyes  and ask  what her version of the story is .
Tell the teacher  that your  daughter  is sensitive  and that you do not  want her leaving school  feeling that she is an idiot, whatever that means in her mind . School is where she goes to learn and grow . Her teacher needs to be more  nurturing  and less judgmental . Ask her can she do that .
Maxy
Nana says,
I agree with Maxy.
First, you must lose your anger. It never helps in situations like this. You are faced with an age old conundrum; will talking to the teacher make it better or worse for your daughter? The teacher may not take criticism well and take it out on your daughter. This calls for diplomacy on your part.
Obviously, any teacher who would send a little girl home feeling so bad is the idiot in that classroom. A teacher can influence a child for life and can affect the direction a child takes. Children have delicate egos.  I think we all have a memory or two of a teacher who embarrassed or hurt us. I do, her name was Miss Salt and by todays standards, she is the teacher of your nightmares. It might not hurt to find out if she has said spiteful things to  any of the other children. And don't bring that information up unless she gives you a very difficult time. Keep a little ammunition in reserve. Good luck.


Dear Maxy ,
I've been on a couple of dates  with this guy  and everything is going great . We touch base  on a lot  of beliefs  and I find myself  always happy  when I am with him .
A few nights ago he kissed me  for the first time  and it was terrible ! It was almost unbearable  . I tried helping  him out  when kissing , but he was so confident in his kissing  that he didn't think anything of it .
I want to continue seeing him  but don't  know how  to address the situation . I don't want to keep quiet , nor do I want to damage his confidence . Help ?
Bad Kiss

Dear Bad Kiss ,
If you like this guy enough  , you are going  to need to educate him ...gently . It could be  that he hasn't had much experience kissing  , so he hadn't  developed his skill . It could be that he's arrogant  and thinks he knows more than he does.
Next time  you two go to kiss . Ask him if you could kiss him . Ask him to slow down  and let you lead . Take your time  . If he tries  to take over  , remind him  thatit is your turn to show him what you like .
If he refuses  to allow you  to guide him  at all , that's a pretty good indication  of how he will likely behave  in the future . Arrogance can cloud  one's vision . Do your best to push pass his insecurity / arrogance to see if you can discover  how to please each other .
Maxy
Nana says,
I think Maxy was spot on with his answer. That's what I would do. And if he does not respond to gentle persuasion or suggestion, you may never enjoy the physical side of the relationship. Don't put yourself through that. Some people make better friends than lovers.

Dear Maxy ,
When my friend drinks , she has no idea  of her limitations . She claims to understand  that she shouldn't drink so much, but as soon  as she is  in that setting, she forgets  or is too stubborn to see the effects alcohol has on her . I love her, but it is annoying  to be around her when she gets like that . She is already  an attention-seeker when she's sober, so you can imagine  how she is when she is drunk .
My 21st birthday  is in a few weeks  and she is coming into town for it  . I don't want  to have to worry about her or spend my whole night dealing with her actions . How can I get through to her ?
Drunk-Free

Dear Drunk-Free,
It sounds like your friend has a drinking problem . Call and have a heart-to-heart talk with her  . Be specific about your concerns  . Give  examples  of her behavior, including  how she  says she will limit her  drinking  but consistently  gets drunk and acts out .
Tell her  that you are not  sure  you want her  to come to your party  because  you have no desire  to attend  to her  when you would rather  be celebrating  your big day . Honestly, you may need to uninvite her . Since  she has proved  to be untrustworthy  in terms  of how much she drinks, you probably  cannot trust her this time .
Maxy
Nana says,
How much does this friendship mean to you? She definitely has a drinking problem and it is not your responsibilty to be her babysitter when you are in a social situation with her. I cannot guage how serious her problem is but she may need to be connected to Alcoholics Anonymous. If that is the case, her family should be involved. If you really care for this girl and want to remain friends, perhaps you should speak to a member of her family. If that is not feasible, you can talk to a councillor at AA.
If your friend is not amenable to help, you might reconsider the friendship. She certainly does not belong at your private or family celebrations.
Nana