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Thursday, February 23, 2012

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy,
My father's secretary of many years smokes a pack of cigarettes every day in her office . The ceilings are low , and the ventilation is poor . The secondhand smoke is detrimental to my father's health , which is also compromised by other medical conditions .
My siblings and I have asked her many times to try and get help for her addiction , and to smoke outside or on the office balcony . Do we have to let her do as she pleases , even though it hurts to see Dad breathing in the fumes ?
Montreal
Dear Montreal ,
Your father is the one that needs to speak up , and apparently , he's unwilling . Talk to him about it and your concerns for his health. In the meantime,  you could put in an exhaust fan  , smokeless ashtrays and other helpful devices that will minimize the damage .
Maxy
Dear Maxy,
After my parents' separation my father and I seem to have lost touch . We aren't as close anymore , but I really do value the relationship work , both people need to be involved , and I don't think he would want to invest the time to do the same .
What should I do ?
Missing Dad
Dear Missing Dad,
When separation or divorce strikes a family , everyone is affected . At first , the hurt feelings may make it difficult for parents to stay close with their children , even though it sems hard to believe this could happen .
If you want to remain close to your father , you will have to put forth the effort . Tell him that you miss him . Tell him that you want to stay connected to him , and ask if he wants that , too . Ask him if he would try .
You may need to be the one who will schedule times together . If he is tech-savvy , you may wwant to use Skype or email to stay in touch in addition to calling .
You both need to be committed for this to work , but in the beginning , since you are the one who is insterested , it will be on you to get it going .
Maxy
Dear Maxy,
I have two daughters , ages 5 and 2 . My in-laws favor the older girl . They buy her more presents , give her more money and pay way more attention to her than her sister . They almost seem obsessed with her . As soon as she walks in the door , they grab her and make her sit nex t to them on the sofa for the entire visit .
If they give my children gifts when they are at someone else's house , they become annoyed if I make the girls say hello to our hosts before they are primitted to play with their new toys . I feel it is only polite .
We recently visited with them three times over a six-week period . We drove three hours to see them twice , and the third time , they came to us . My mother-in-law then became angry because I refused to visit again two weeks later . Both of my daughters get carsick , and they have to take medication in order not to throw up .
My husband does not like to make waves , so he is of little help with this . I am not sure how much to say without ruining our relationship .
Annoyed
Dear Annoyed ,
This is an issue of boundaries . Unless you are firm about them , your in-laws will keep pushing. The trick is to remain polite and sweet while you are saying no . (We would love to visit again but the girls get so sick when they travel that we don't want them them to associte nausea with Grandma and Grandpa . Maybe we can try again next month.") Meanwhile , the Internet and current crop of smart-phones will allow the in-laws to see and speak to the girls often . You might even set up a time for a daily cyber visit .
But please bring the blatant favoritism to their attention before the younger child is old enough to notice . Tell them it is damaging the relationship they have with both girls ( as well as their parents ).
Maxy

2 comments:

  1. Dr maxy
    I changed your first letter of advice very slightly.
    I simply added that the writer/s should talk to their dad about the situation and their concerns.

    Great job as usual Maxy. I wouldn't mind a little advice around home now and then but you are strangely silent at home.
    Is it something I said??

    The Genie

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thankyou for your input , it's always welcome .
    It's always good to get my human's point of view .

    I thought you got all your advice from the Sassy ass Witch . HA !

    Ask me anything ,I have to see my treats before I answer you Hahahaha
    Dr. Maxy

    ReplyDelete

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