Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy,

My father's secretary of many years smokes a pack of cigarettes every day in her office . The ceilings are low , and the ventilation is poor . The secondhand smoke is detrimental to my father's health , which is also compromised by other medical conditions .

My siblings and I have asked her many times to try and get help for her addiction , and to smoke outside or on the office balcony . Do we have to let her do as she pleases , even though it hurts to see Dad breathing in the fumes ?

Montreal

Dear Montreal ,

Your father is the one that needs to speak up , and apparently , he's unwilling . Talk to him about it and your concerns for his health. In the meantime,  you could put in an exhaust fan  , smokeless ashtrays and other helpful devices that will minimize the damage .

Maxy

Dear Maxy,

After my parents' separation my father and I seem to have lost touch . We aren't as close anymore , but I really do value the relationship work , both people need to be involved , and I don't think he would want to invest the time to do the same .

What should I do ?

Missing Dad

Dear Missing Dad,

When separation or divorce strikes a family , everyone is affected . At first , the hurt feelings may make it difficult for parents to stay close with their children , even though it sems hard to believe this could happen .

If you want to remain close to your father , you will have to put forth the effort . Tell him that you miss him . Tell him that you want to stay connected to him , and ask if he wants that , too . Ask him if he would try .

You may need to be the one who will schedule times together . If he is tech-savvy , you may wwant to use Skype or email to stay in touch in addition to calling .

You both need to be committed for this to work , but in the beginning , since you are the one who is insterested , it will be on you to get it going .

Maxy

Dear Maxy,

I have two daughters , ages 5 and 2 . My in-laws favor the older girl . They buy her more presents , give her more money and pay way more attention to her than her sister . They almost seem obsessed with her . As soon as she walks in the door , they grab her and make her sit nex t to them on the sofa for the entire visit .

If they give my children gifts when they are at someone else's house , they become annoyed if I make the girls say hello to our hosts before they are primitted to play with their new toys . I feel it is only polite .

We recently visited with them three times over a six-week period . We drove three hours to see them twice , and the third time , they came to us . My mother-in-law then became angry because I refused to visit again two weeks later . Both of my daughters get carsick , and they have to take medication in order not to throw up .

My husband does not like to make waves , so he is of little help with this . I am not sure how much to say without ruining our relationship .

Annoyed

Dear Annoyed ,

This is an issue of boundaries . Unless you are firm about them , your in-laws will keep pushing. The trick is to remain polite and sweet while you are saying no . (We would love to visit again but the girls get so sick when they travel that we don't want them them to associte nausea with Grandma and Grandpa . Maybe we can try again next month.") Meanwhile , the Internet and current crop of smart-phones will allow the in-laws to see and speak to the girls often . You might even set up a time for a daily cyber visit .

But please bring the blatant favoritism to their attention before the younger child is old enough to notice . Tell them it is damaging the relationship they have with both girls ( as well as their parents ).

Maxy