We live in a small rural community. Here, sports help keep the kids off the streets . My fourteen-year-old son loves sports . He is well-rounded, makes excellent grades and has good friends . This year, he is again on the school's basketball team, but he is the only one who sits on the bench . He doesn't play much, but I can tell he is discouraged . While the team has a couple of "stars" most are at the same skill level as my son .
His mother is so upset about this that she wants to go to the school board. Someone mentioned that my son is being punished because he missed practice during Christmas break . He told his coaches ahead of time that he would be gone . Before the break, he played about one minute per game . He hasn't played at all since .
Should parents step up to the coaches and risk further "punishment?" This is his first year with these particular coaches . Are they just testing him? Why would such terrible treatment make him want to play next year?
Upset Dad
Dear Upset Dad,
Some coaches believe this type of punishment is a test of a player's resolve ... a "take it like a man" mentality . I think it is ill-advised, particularly at the high school level, and discourages kids who are not into macho mind games . Some schools give coaches complete autonomy over the sports programs, but this can lead to all kinds of abuses . Before getting involved, I urge you to discuss this with your son . While he undoubtedly appreciates your support and concern, he may prefer to handle this in his own way, and I hope you will respect his decision .
Maxy
Dear Maxy ,
Will you speak to my wife of 30 years? She has many wonderful attributes and I love her. She is, however, late for everything . Our families and friends learned to accept her tardiness for social engagements . But I cannot abide being late for church every week . With all eyes upon us, we must edge past everyone in order to find a seat. I hate doing this after the service has started .
We live only 10 minutes away, so I can't understand why my wife isn't ready on time . Even if she doesn't care about herself I am humiliated that she has little regard for me and the people we have to climb over to reach a seat .
I've told her this is important to me, but she scoffs and does the same thing the following week . Will you please tell her to get ready on time ?
Losing My Religion
Dear Losing ,
Some procrastinators simply have difficulty with organizational skills . But I think your wife enjoys the attention she gets by arriving late to social functions. Since church is a particular issue, I suggest you attend separately. Arrange transportation if necessary and then go on your own so you can arrive on time . And save a seat for your wife .
Maxy
Dear Maxy ,
I am beyond speechless at some of the things my husband's parents say and do and yet he lets all this roll off his back .
My in-laws often treat my husband's brother and kids to vacations to which we and our kids are not invited . Then they show us the photos and brag about all the fun they had. I can hardly stand to be in the same room while this is going on, but my husband smiles and ask questions about the trip .
My parents would never dream of doing something for one child that they would not do for the other. They always have been very fair. To see such lopsided treatment is foreign to me .
The truly confounding thing is that my husband is the responsible son . He lives to provide for his family. His brother is irresponsible and a spendthrift and yet seems to be rewarded by his parents .
Outwardly, my husband acts like this doesn't bother him, but I know deep down the slights have to hurts. My New Year's resolution is not to permit others to steal my joy . Am I right ?
Loving Wife
Dear Loving Wife ,
Of course you should not allow others to "steal your joy." But please keep your husband's feelings foremost when dealing with his family members . I don't deny that this behavior is hurtful, but he has chosen to deal with it by turning the other cheek and not allowing jealousy or anger to guide his approach . This is a forgiving attitude and it allows him to have a relationship with his family, which he obviously wants . Shower him with the praise and gratitude his parents deny him so he knows how much he is appreciated .
Maxy
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