Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
We live in  a small rural community.  Here, sports  help keep the kids off the streets . My  fourteen-year-old son loves sports . He is well-rounded, makes excellent grades  and has  good friends  . This year, he is again on the school's basketball team, but he is the only one  who sits  on the bench . He doesn't play much, but I can tell he is discouraged  . While the team has a couple of "stars"  most are at the same skill level as my son .
His mother  is so upset  about this  that she wants to go  to the school board. Someone  mentioned  that my son is being punished  because he missed practice  during Christmas  break . He told his coaches ahead of time that he would be gone  . Before the break, he played about one minute  per game . He hasn't  played at all since .
Should parents  step up  to the coaches and risk further "punishment?" This is his  first year with these particular coaches . Are they  just testing him? Why  would such terrible treatment  make him want to play next year?
Upset Dad
Dear Upset Dad,
Some coaches believe  this type  of punishment  is a test  of a player's resolve  ... a "take it like a man" mentality . I think  it is ill-advised, particularly at the high school level, and discourages kids  who are not into  macho mind games  . Some schools give coaches  complete  autonomy  over  the sports programs, but this can lead to all kinds  of abuses . Before  getting involved, I urge  you to discuss this with your son . While he undoubtedly appreciates  your support  and concern, he may prefer to handle  this in  his own way, and I hope  you will respect his decision .
Maxy

Dear  Maxy ,
Will you speak to my wife  of 30 years? She has many wonderful attributes and I love her. She is, however, late for everything . Our  families  and friends  learned to accept her tardiness  for social engagements . But I cannot abide  being late for church every week . With all eyes  upon us, we must  edge  past everyone  in order to find a seat. I hate doing this after the service has started  .
We live  only  10 minutes  away, so I can't understand why my wife isn't ready on time . Even if she doesn't care about herself I am humiliated  that  she has little regard  for me  and the people  we have to climb over  to reach a seat .
I've told her this  is important to me, but she scoffs and does the same thing the following  week . Will you please tell her to get ready on time  ?
Losing My Religion 
Dear Losing ,
Some  procrastinators simply have  difficulty with organizational skills . But I think your wife  enjoys the attention  she gets by arriving  late to social functions. Since church  is a particular  issue, I suggest  you attend separately. Arrange transportation if necessary and then go on your own so you can arrive on time  . And save a seat for your wife .
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I  am beyond  speechless at some of the things my husband's parents say and do  and yet he lets  all this roll off his back .
My in-laws often treat  my husband's brother  and kids  to vacations to which we and our kids  are not invited . Then they show us the photos  and brag about all the fun they had. I can hardly stand to be in the same  room while this is going on, but my husband  smiles and ask questions about the trip .
My parents  would never dream of doing something  for one child that they would not  do for the other. They always have been very fair. To see such lopsided  treatment  is foreign  to me .
The truly  confounding thing is  that my husband  is the responsible son . He lives  to provide  for his family. His brother is irresponsible  and a  spendthrift  and yet seems to be rewarded  by his parents .
Outwardly, my husband acts like this doesn't bother him, but I know deep down  the slights have to hurts. My New Year's resolution  is not to permit  others to steal my joy . Am I right ?
Loving Wife
Dear Loving Wife ,
Of  course  you  should not  allow others to "steal  your  joy." But please  keep your husband's feelings  foremost  when dealing  with his  family  members . I don't deny that this behavior is hurtful, but he has chosen  to deal with it by turning the other cheek and not allowing jealousy or anger to guide his approach . This is a forgiving attitude and it allows him to have a relationship with his family, which he obviously  wants . Shower him  with the praise and gratitude his parents deny him so he knows how much  he is appreciated .
Maxy