Smart-ass one Liners

It's always wise to have a stock of smart-ass comments handy for any occasion. They get you out of embarrassing situations, also conversations where you feel your intellect is somewhat inferior to the other participants. A snappy smart remark can often get you out of an unpleasant duty or job and it can distract someone long enough for you to make a quick getaway from a person you find deadly boring. I have rounded up a few of my favorites and I hope they will be of use to you. You may find it beneficial to memorize the best ones. Glad to be of service....The Genie..LOL!

Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue. - Dilbert

 

Always remember that you are absolutely unique... Just like everyone else...

 

As the joker said, if you are good at something why do it for free...

 

Don't take life too seriously, you're not getting out alive.

 

Even people who are good for nothing can bring smile to your face, when pushed down the stairs...

 

"Gods are fragile things, they may be killed by a whiff of science or a dose of common sense." - Chapman Cohen (1868 - 1954)

 

Honesty is the best policy but insanity is the best defense.

 

I didn t climb to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian...

 

I never admit or deny anything it makes things more interesting.

 

I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!

 

I wasn't lying, I was just creating fiction with my mouth

 

I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.

 

If I promise to miss you, will you go away?

 

If something goes wrong at the office, blame the guy who can't speak English...

 

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

 

I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?

 

It takes patience to listen.. it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.

 

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

 

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

 

My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them shit in person.

 

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them...

 

No Déjà vu please...I Don't want to go through that again

 

Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids... ... ...Eat them!

 

Remember, everyone seems normal until you get to know them...

 

Suicide: Mans way of telling God - "You can't fire me, I quit".

 

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

 

The best things in life are free *plus shipping and handling*

 

The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don’t have to mow it.

 

Think Im Sarcastic? Watch Me Pretend To Care!

 

Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1-2.

 

Upgrade your weekend: Take Monday Off...

 

Waitress: 'Do u have any questions about the menu?'
Me: 'What kind of font is this?'

 

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

 

You can't be a real country unless you have BEER and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need  BEER.

 

          HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA