Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy,
I read the letter from "A Concerned Daughter and Mom -to-Be .'' You could be very helpful in reducing stigmas about brain disorders by gently reminding readers that her mother isn't bipolar , but has a bipolar disorder --- just as we wouldn't say that someone is cancer , but has cancer .
My neuro-psychiartist friends are now using the term "brain disorder" because the latter perpetuates the notion that's it's not a physical illness . But the brain is also part of the body . Thank you .
M.
Dear M. ,
You made  some  excellent points . Often , I can change  perception  by  changing  terminology . I will try to  keep your  suggestions  in mind  for  future  columns .
Maxy 

Dear Maxy ,
Due to financial problems , my husband and I recently had to move into my in-laws' home . Not a day goes by that I am not chastised or put down for the choices that led us to this situation . My ''frivolous spending habits" seem to be the sole reason we are here . They totally disregard the illness that kept their son from working , his alcoholism and his gambling . Those subjects never come up . I took out loans to pay rent when he couldn't work and  am still paying those off . 
My mother-in-law treats me like a child . My three teenage children have started telling her the things they used to tell me . My feelings are so hurt . When my husband lost his job , our insurance went with it , so I can no longer see my psychiatist . I am disabled and would have a hard time leaving . I have no one to turn to . What can I do ?
Mississippi 
Dear Mississippi ,
You don't  need  me  to tell  you that  you should  get out  of  that toxic environment  as soon as  possible . Have  you spoken to your  husband  about  this ? He  needs  to stand  up  for  you  and  make  sure  his  parents  treat  you  with more  respect .
But  you also might  enlist your  in-laws'  assistance  in dealing  with their  son's issues . Don't  make  accusations  or  act defensively . Simply say , "I so appreicate  your  taking  us  in  during  this  difficult  time . How  do  you think we  can get "Joe"  to stop gambling  and  drinking ? It's  eating  into our  finances , and  I could  use  your advice . What do you suggest ?  They may  not  be  helpful , but  at least  you will have  brought   up the important  subjects  that everyone  seems  unwilling to discuss and laid them out. Try to maintain your calm and cool  and get help for yourself. You can't fix anything else until you fix yourself.
You  can contact  Gam-Anon  (gam-anon.org)  and  Al-anon  (al-anon.alateen.org)  for  yourself  and  your  kids . Then look into free  or  low  cost  housing  through  local churches  , graduate school counseling  departments , medical  school psychology  departments , United  Way , the  YWCA , the  YMCA , the  Samaritan Institute (samaritaninsititute.org) , Nami (nami.org)  and  support groups  such as  the   Depression  and  Bipolar Support Alliance (dbsalliance.org) and  Recovery International  ( lowselfhelpsystems.org )
 If you need more helpful contacts...get back to me.
Maxy 

Dear Maxy ,
A friend of mine is known as someone who always flakes on plans . She cancels , forgets or is late , and she seems to think the world is waiting for her most of the time . However , when someone cancels plans with her , she badmouths them and expects everyone's else sympathy . Is there any way to show her she exasperates us the same way when she bails on plans ?
It Works Both Ways 
Dear  It Works Both Ways ,
When people  behaave  unconsciously , they typically  do things like  your  friend . Her  lack of  awareness of  how her  actions  affect others  reflects  her  disconnection  to how  she  feels  when others aren't  as sensitive  to her .  She  needs  tto open her  eyes .
This may  require  that you  and  your  friends  call her  on her  behavior  every time . That means  that you tell her  that if  she  doesn't  show  up on time  or  at  all  for  your  next  agreed-upon  meeting  , you won't  be  agreeing  to meet her anymore . This  may prompt  an emotional  reaction  from her , which  could  be  perfect  because  it  may open the  door  to an  honest  conversation .
Maxy

Dear Maxy,
I am 18 , and I baby-sit frequently . Whenever certain parents text me , they use sterotypical "text speak" like "LMK" or "2NITE" or "GRT" --- I cannot even understand it ! It is incredibly informal , and I have never communicated with them using and slang or lingo . Are they trying to relate to me by texting me this way ? Should I continue to decipher , or is there a polite way to tell them I will understand if they message me normally? 
Bridging the Gap 
Dear Bridging  The  Gap ,
 I can see these  parents are working over-time  to attempt  to be  hip  and  cool . Yes ,  you are  the one to address this  . Be polite and sensitive because  they are  making  an effort  to talk  to you in the way  they believe  you communicate,  with  text messaging . Tell them that you  have  noticed  that they often  use abbreviations  when they are texting  you  and  you  don't  always  know  what  these  acronyms mean . Ask them  to please  write  to  you in simple language . That way , you will not  run the  risk  of  wrongly interpreting their directions or misunderstanding the communication  . When  you don't understand  a  text from  them always  ask  for  clarification .
Maxy