Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy
I am  so upset right  now . I just found out  my husband  of  eleven  years  has  cheated  on me . I suppected it  for  a while , so I did  what I knew  would  get me in trouble : I read  his  text messages   when he  put  his  phone down . I saw  a long  text trail  between him  and another  woman  that included  intimate  talk of times  they had  been together . I am devastated  . And  I feel so stupid . I didn't mean to pry into his  phone , but  when I have  asked  him what's  going on , he  has  always  dodged my questions . Now  that I know , what should  I do ?
Unfaithful
Dear Unfaithful ,
I am so sorry  that your  marriage  has  taken a bad  turn . In order  to have  a chance  at restoring  trust , you have  to talk to  your husband . First decide  what you want . Do you want  to fight  for  your  husband ? Do you believe there is  hope  for the two of  you  ? If  so , proceed  with that state of  mind . Rather  than confronting  him  through anger  or tears , be  as calm  as possible  when you approach him . Tell him that  you know  that he  has  cheated  on you and  your  heart is  broken .
Make  your  plea  for  your  marriage . Ask him if  he is willing to walk away  from the  other woman  and work with you to strengthen  your  bond . Ask him to go to therapy  with you  so that you have  a mediator  to help  you walk through  your  marriage  and identify  what  may have  led  to your  husband  straying  as well as  what you two  can reduce  and potentially  elimate  the temptation  for  him to stray again . You do not  need him to admit  his indiscretion . If  he  continues   to lie  and say  that he  has done  nothing  wrong , continue to tell him that you know  he has  and  that  rather  than get into details  of  what he did , you want  to build  a future  with him . Be sure  to listen  to his  reaction . You cannot  do this  alone .
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I am hosting  a party for  my friend  who is soon  to move  out  of  the country . We are  all excited  for her  and look forward  to being together  to send  her  off in grand style . My friend  has  been there  for  me  through everything .  
Should  I also buy a separate  gift  ? Essentially , I am wondering if  the gift  of  the  party is  enough . 
Celebrating , St. Croix , United  States  Virgin Islands 
Dear Celebrating ,
Your  gift is  the party  and  you should  feel great  about  that . Because  this  is  your  very  dear friend  who is  soon to move  away , you can also write  her  a letter  sharing  poignant  memories  of  your experiences  together  . Put  that  letter in a beautiful  card . That  can be  the additional  gift  that  you offer  her .
Maxy

Dear Maxy,
I am wondering  whether  my husband  has  OCD. Once  he  uses  something , he  cannot  put it away . If  he  takes  out  a screwdriver , it  stays  on the  counter .  If he  opens  a package , the  packing  sits  until  I throw  it  away .  Every day  he  leaves  an empty  soda  can on  the  coffee table . If  he  opens a cabinet , the  door  remains  open  . At the  moment  there  are  four  pairs  of  rubber boots at our  back entry .
He  honestly  doesn't  see  that  any of  this  is  a problem  and  if  I approach  him  about it ,  he  becomes  violently  angry . He  constantly  accumulates  little  piles of  coins  and receipts  on his  bedside  table  until I go through  the  mess  and  clean it  up . He still washes  and  folds  his  laundry , but  then leaves  it  stacked  in the  laundry  room.
I'm pretty sure  he  has  some  hoarding  behavior  , but  leavng   the  cabinet and closet doors  open  only  makes  it  worse  for  me. What can I do ?
Frustrated  Wife 
Dear Frustrated ,
People  who leave  projects  unfinished  and  don't  follow  through  with putting  thngs  away  often have  adult  ADD (not  OCD) . Still ,  you shouldn't  be to quick  to labor  him . He  may simply  be  lazy  and  thoughtless . Behavior  modification  and  reminders  to  close  cabinet doors  could  help  with some  of  this.
I am  more  concerned  with his  violently angry reaction  when you bring  up the  subject . If  he  does  this  frequently  and  you are afraid  of  him , please  call  the  Domestic  Violence Hotline  ( thehotline.org )  at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) . If  this  only  happens   when you mention  this  specific  behavior  , he  may actually  fear that he  has  some terrible  affliction  that he  cannot  control . Please  reassure  him   and  suggest  he  ask his  doctor  to test him  for  adult  ADD.
Maxy