Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
My mother-in-law  has suffered  from dementia  for 10 years . This wonderful, loving  woman  did not receive  the care she  should  have  and as a result  her  quality of  life  is worse  than it need to be. I have some advice  for  family members when a loved one receives  the dreaded  diagnosis  of  dementia  or Alzheimer's:
You need to learn  about the illness  and  you need to make a plan . Pretending  the person  is not sick doesn't  help . It makes  life harder  for them . I never realized  how powerful  a forced  denial  could be until I witnessed  my father-in-law's absolute refusal to change anything about  their  life .
Expecting her to keep cooking, leaving her alone, etc., were  truly acts  of  cruelty .
Realize  that your  loved one  is not  going  to get better. He or she  may stay the same  for a long time, or may steadily get worse, but they are not  going to improve . You need  to keep them  safe  and anticipate that they may do things  they have never  done before  ... like wander, take the wrong  medicines or let a stranger in the  house .
Get help, join a support  group  or  contact your  council on aging . We hired  a wonderful dementia  coach  who helps  families  figure  out what to . It is possible  for the sick person  to enjoy  the things  that they are able  to do if they are given support . Try to  avoid  isolation, for the sick person  as well as the  care  giver . Don't  turn down  offers  of  help .
The In-Law
Dear In-Law ,
Thank you for taking the time  to write  and  guide others  who are  in a similar situation . I  hope  anyone affected  by this  disease  will contact  the Alzheimer's Association at  alz.org . Their website  has a wealth of  information  for  dementia and Alzheimer's . There is also  a 24/7 Helpline  at  1-800-272-3900.
And remember, if you show someone compassion , you may receive some when you need it most.
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
My wife and I  are  a little  concerned about our  30-year-old daughter, "Amber." Every day  she spends  an hour  brushing  her teeth  and  five  full minutes  washing  her hands and then rechecks  the same things  about  five times .
Amber  says  she  can't  control  it  and it's hard to stop . This  has  been going  on  for a little  over a year . Is this  something  to be  concerned  about ? Is this just the way she is ? Any advice  would be  great .
Concerned  Parents
Dear  concerned Parents ,
Repetitive  behaviors like this are  obsessive-compulsive disorders . They are  not uncommon .
However, OCD behavior can become  worse  over time  and it helps to get treatment  as soon as possible . You or Amber  can contact  the International OCD Foundation ( ocfoundation.org )
for more information  and referrals  to therapists who specialize in dealing  with this  problem . Get better Amber; I will be  thinking of  you .
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
My friend is dating  someone  I dated  casually a few  years  ago . It's perfectly OK with me, but  she says   that she wants  all of  us  to be  friends  and even possibly  double-date . If  we do double-date, what is the best  course of  action  to make sure  it isn't awkward ? Do I  joke  around  any past issues, or  just pretend  they never  happened ?
Retread
Dear Retread ,
What's  most important  is  for you to let your friend know that you previously dated this guy  so that it  doesn't  come as a surprise to her . You say that it was causal dating, but then you mention "past issues." You have to decide  your level of  comfort  as it relates to becoming  friendly with him again . You must also think of your friend's comfort level and your ex date's. It could get awkward.  Just  because  your  friend  wants  you to double-date  does not mean  that you must do so .
If you do want  to give it  a try,  go out as a group  and pledge  to stay in the  moment . There  should  be no reason for you to  bring  up  old  memories . Joking  around  about old issues  from your dating history  is unnecessary, and probably a bad move that will lead to distress  for everyone .
No need to pretend your dating history never happened . But do not dwell in the past .  Live  fully in the here  and now .
Maxy