Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy,
My 20-year-old son is in a serious  relationship  with his  girlfriend . They have  been dating  for  two years  now  but they are  still in college . They would like to get married  but my husband  and I are opposed  to it because  they are still very young . However, his girlfriend's parents are encouraging them  to get married  right away . Since they are over 18, we do not have a say but we really think they should wait  until they graduate  from college . We do not  know what to do .
Concerned Parents
Dear Concerned Parents ,
Since  you cannot  control their actions, rather  than continuing  to say no  to your son  and his girlfriend, take a different tack . Start listening to them . Ask them  what their plans are . Find out  if they have  strategy for the next few  years . When do they want  to get married ? Do they plan to finish school ? When do they want to have  children ? How will they support each other ? Ask , but  do not interrogate  them .
Make it clear  to them that  that you are  no  longer trying  to tell them  what to do, but you want to understand  what they  intend  to do  so that you can do your  best  to support  their success.
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I work at a regional medical center  and friends and family  often ask  me to recommend  a doctor  or a physician's group for them . For  a while, I didn't mind giving  these people  a few names , but  I have grown reluctant  do so .
My reluctance  is not  because  I don't trust in the knowledge  and care provided  by the  doctors I work  with . It's because of the negative feedback I get after these people visit the specialists  I recommend . I am tired of  handing out names of good  hardworking  practitioners  to people  who refuse  to listen to the advice  given to them . They don't want to take  the prescribed medications  or follow the regimens , nor  do they follow  through with the therapy as ordered .
I feel  as if  the doctors  are judging  me each time  they see my name as a referral . Yet when I decline  to give suggestions, people  react as if I am being a snob . How do I keep my sanity  as well as my career  ?
Please  Stop Asking Me
Dear Please ,
Medical professionals  are accustomed  to patients  who disregard their instructions, but you certainly can ask directly whether  they would  prefer  that you not  refer  your  friends  and family  to them . I suspect they are  glad to know  that someone  who works closely with them  thinks highly of their  skills . But either way  you are  under  no obligation  to give out recommendations . It's OK  to tell people nicely that you no longer  make referrals.
Maxy

Dear Maxy,
My 12-year-old daughter  insists  on getting  an iPhone  for her  birthday  since all her friends  have one . My husband and I think that she does not need  an iPhone . Plus, we cannot afford  to pay  for one . Every time we discuss this with her, it always  turns into huge  argument  full of screaming  and tears . At this point, she asks us every day  when is  she getting  her iPhone  and we don't want her  to feel upset  and left out , but we do not want her to think  that if she begs  for something  for long enough , she will eventually  get it . How do  we teach her  these important  lessons  without  getting into another argument ?
Worn-out Mom
Dear Worn-Out Mom ,
Your  job as a mom is to enforce  your  family's  rules . Her  job  as a preteen  is to push the limits . You really cannot  let her win  on every  front . What some parents  do  when their kids  start demanding  expensive things is to tell them to save  their money  so that  they can pay for it . If not , you may want to suggest duties  that she can fulfill on a regular  basics  for a particular  amount of  money . Or  you may  want to encourage  her  to offer to do some  chores  for elderly  neighbors  or others . If she is so inclined  to have  this phone, require  her to be able  to pay for it  herself .
Maxy