Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy,

Years ago , my brother "Harry' cheated on his wife . She forgave him , and they got back together . They seem very happy .

A few years after his affair , the other woman had him served with paternity papers . Harry pays child support , but he has never met the child and says he doesn't plan to . He doesn't feel he can give that child the kind of relationship he has with his other children . He also doesn't want his other kids to find out he cheated on their mother .

Harry has asked that I keep this news private , but I feel he needs to play a part in this child's life . I've tried talking to him , but he says it's none of my business . I also feel his children have the right to know and that as an aunt to all of these children , I should tell them they have a sibling . Harry told me this is not my place and if I continue to press the matter , he will not allow me to be along with his children for fear that I will not respect his wishes . What should I do ?

In a Dilemma

Dear In a Dilemma ,

Please respect Harry's choices , even though you disagree . Depending on the ages of these children telling them could be complicated and confusing . Yes , I agree that they should know they have a sibling , but how and when to tell them is not your decision . Inform Harry that you will keep quiet , but eventually , his kids will find out , and it would be best if it came directly from him , with their Mom by his side , and not from say , the Other Woman or her child . Urge him to consult a counselor who can help him find the best way to do this .

Maxy

Dear Maxy,

This may not be your department , but I don't know who else to ask . When I make a doctor's appointment , the person on the other end askes why I want to see the doctor . I am not comfortable telling this person . When I get there , the nurse asks why I wish to see the doctor , as if I never called . Then , the doctor comes in saying , "So , what's going on ?" and we satrt all over .

This brings me back to the appointment maker . Why are these people expecting the most personal information in my life just because they answer the phone saying , "Hi , I'm Kelly?" Is this imformation actually the least bit helpful to the doctor ?

Annoyed

Dear Annoyed ,

The person who answers thephone and makes the appointment needs to know what the problem is in order to allot sufficient time on the doctor's schedule . A routine checkup , for example , takes more time than a blood test . Once you get into the doctor's office , the nurse may want to be sure you have the same complaint and there are no additional problems . The doctor , however , should have your information at hand . I suspect asking again is simply the doctor's way of opening the conversation .

Maxy

Dear Maxy ,

I am pretty sure my husband is cheating on me . He's been acting weird . A few times in the past few weeks he has come home smelling of women's perfume . He has not wanted to do anything with me , especiall intimately . I am so devasted , but I'm afraid to ask him about it . I don't want to lose him .

My girlfriend told me that she just looks the other way whenher husband does what she calls "his business." I don't know if I can overlook it . I want my marriage to be good .

At a Loss

Dear At a Loss,

If you want to save your marriage , you have to muster the courage to cnfornt your husband . During a neutral time , like a Saturday afternoon .

Tell him you suspect he is having an affair . Ask if he is in a relationship with someone or if he is sleeping with someone else . He may not answer .

Describe your fears and the incidents that have make you suspicious .

Stake your claim . Tell him that you want to fight for your marriage and that you are unwilling to share him with another woman . Asks if he wants to stay married and if he is willing to tell you the truth about what's going on .

Push him to be honest with you . If you are to stay married , you will figure out how to talk this through and make decisions about the future .

Maxy