Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy,

I recently ran into an old acquaintance at a mutual friend's party . Afterward , one of the guests pointed out that my acquaintance had been arrested for a serious crime some years back . I was shocked and didn't believe it until I read an article about the incident .

Normally , it wouldn't make any difference . She and I rarely see each other . But at the gathering she had said she hoped we could rekindle our friendship . Now I'm not so sure . It is true that the offense occurred years ago and has nothing to do with me . But what I learned about her behavior gave me the creeps .

Should I blow her off , ignore what I learned and befriend her again , or ask her about it ?

Unsure

Dear Unsure ,

Here's an example of how the past often catches up with the future . This woman is trying to live her life  and likely trying to repent for her transgressions . If her past behavior could have an negative impact on you , then you may want to either not rekindle the friendship or ask her about it . However , if her past doesn't effect you in any way other than that you learned about it and it's unpleasent , keep it to yourself . I imagine you wouldn't appreciate someone bringing up any indiscretions from your past simply because the person learned about it . If you want to be friends with her , move forward by accepting her invitation . If you don't , keep things as they are , seeing each other from time to time but without intimacy .

Maxy

Dear Maxy ,

My sister and her boyfriend broke up a few months ago , and , according to her , it was really ugly . I suppected that he was a jerk , but he was worse than I imagined . The second that she lost her job , he was out . He was totally not there for her when she really needed him the most . Part of me has wanted to reach out to him and curse him out , but my sister asked me not to say anything .

He called me the other day out of the blue . The call went to voice mail . He acted like everything was normal . I'm wondering if I should call him back and then curse him out or even just see what he wants . . What do you think ?

Mad

Dear Mad , He's given you your entree . Yes , you can call him back , but don't begin with a verbal assault . Find out what he has to say for himself . Listen . Before you get off the phone , tell him how angry you are that he was thoughtless and cruel to your sister . He earned the earful that says he should be ashamed of himself ... but without the expletives .

Maxy

Dear Maxy ,

My sister , "mary" was divorced a few years ago . She's been seeing a counselor for two years because she enabled her lazy husband .

Here's the problem , Mary has "adopted" my family because one of her daughters has disowned her , her husband won't speak to her because Mary verbally attacked her , and her other daughter wants to be left alone for a while .

If there is a holiday , Mary wants to be invited to be with my family . If there is a birthday or wedding , even on my husband's side , She has to send a card . Mary also is very domineering . She rips things out of my hand to put them away . She makes demeaning remarks about people and isn't happy with anything . Her co-workers don't do the work right , the neighbors do everything wrong , etc , etc . I could go on and on , but I don't want to sound like her . What do I do ?

Texas

Dear Texas ,

Let's separate this into sections . If Mary wants to send birthday , holiday or get well cards to anyone , that's fine . These sentiments are harmless and often appreciated by recipients , even if they seem a little strange to you . Mary clings to your family beacause she can't be with her own family , so it is a kindness to include her whenever possible . The rest sounds like depression and anger .

Set clear boundaries so Mary understands the limits of your tolerance . It's also OK to tell her that her complaints indicate that she is bitter and unhappy , and gently suggest that she discuss these things with her therapist .

Maxy