Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,

I have been with "Jim" for eight years . We are in our 40s and have been through a lot together . When I moved in with him three years ago , two of his kids lived with their mother , and the older boy was in prison . I was supportive of Jim's visits to "Lloyd" and also wrote letters myself .

Lloyd got out of prison 18 months ago and was paroled to our home . He is not supposed to frequent bars , but his drinking has increased , and he constantly violates the terms of paarole . Two months ago he was arrested .

Lloyd refuses to abide by our curfew . He wakes us up when he strolls in drunk at 3 a.m. Thwice he left the refrigerator open and let the food spoil .

We've given Lloyd chance after chance . We pay all the bills , including the ones for his cellphone service . I've told Jim that Lloyd needs to respect our rules or find somewhere else to live . Jim keeps telling Lloyd to straighten up , but there are never any repercussions , so it never happens .

Lost in Love

Dear Lost in Love ,

Jim thinks he is protecting his son , but he is only reinforcing Lloyd's behavior . The best thing for Lloyd would be to get a job ( try the Safer Foundation at http://saferfoundation.org) and move into his own place . Also try Al-Anon (http://al-anon.alateen.org)

Maxy

Dear Maxy,

I'm a 62-year-old widow and have no children . In the past three years , five people close to me died , leaving me alone , except for two nieces and one nephew , and none of them is speaking to me .

When my husband passed , we had no money due to longstanding financial problems . Before my sister died , we were trying to work through her feelings about me . She never liked me and had a great deal of anger toward me . At the time , I was still having finanical difficulties and could not attend her funeral or send flowers . My nephew offered to pay for the trip , but I didn't feel comfortable accepting .

I have written letters to them explaining the problems in our family . I have sent handmade presents to my nephew's two little girls and mailed them cheerful Christmas greeting . No thank you notes . Nothing.

I'm at the point where I'm ready to give up all contact . Is this the end ?

No Family

Dear No Family ,

I think your nieces and nephew are unhappy because you neither called nor sent a card when their mother died . I understand you were unsure of what to say , but your silence reinforced the negative impression they already had from their mother . You need to apologize . Beyond that , there are no guarantees .

Maxy

Dear Maxy ,

A co-worker told me in confidence that she plans to call in sick to work so she can purchase tickets for an upcoming concert . Every time someone calls in sick , our individual workload increases . I'm wondering if I should tell my manager the truth .

Potential Whistle Blower

Dear Whistle Blower ,

Going to to the manager about this seems extreme . Instead of helping , it is likely to create negativity in the workplace for you and your co-worker .

If you feel so strongly that she is compromising your workday or that of your co-workers , tell her directly . You can say that you understand how excited she is about the concert but that you hope she understands how much of a hardship her absence will be on the team . You can tell her that you will cover for her during her time off and that you hope she do the same when someone else , you included , needs a break . You will have her back so long as she doesn't make this a practice .

Maxy