Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,

I am an only child who was reared by loving but extremely controlling parents . They tried to dicate my attire , my friends and my opinions . I moved away and married , but things only got worse . I considered moving home to help them , as they are getting older . My husband was skeptical . He seen me cry from quilt trips my prents have put on me and has heard the bigoted remarks about my rixed-race grandchildren .

I found an online listing for a fixer-upper and asked my folks to see whether it was worthwhile . When we drove to my hometown , I discovered that my father was already working on the yard and dealing with a realtor . But the place was a wreck , and the backyard pool looked like the Loch Ness monster resided there . Repairs would cost at least $ 50,000. I knew this wasn't the house for me .

Meanwhile , my father pointed his finger in my face and dared me to backed out the deal he had arranged , and then he said in front of my husband , that I should buy the house myself and let my husband and kids make their own way in this world .

That evening , my parents railed at me about my daughter's mixed-race children , saying they would never be allowed to visit . They told me I needed to dump my old friends so they could introduce me to better ones . My mom was busy trying to get me jobs I didn't want and told me I was unappreciative of their efforts .

I decided I could not live this way , and we left . My parents was furious and haven't spoken to me for months . My cards , gifts and emails go unanswered . I am miserable , and I know this is exactly how they want me to feel . My question is : Do I still try to be the better person and send a Father's Day gift ?

Sad

Dear Sad ,

Your parents sounds manipulative and diffcult , and I'm impressed that you turned out to be so well-adjusted .

You don't owe your father a gift , but would it make you feel better to send something anyway ?

I suggest you handle future communications in whatever way gives you peace of mind . You have tried to please your parents and discovered that it is impossible . It's okay to please yourself .

Maxy

Dear Maxy ,

I am 31 and a never-married single mother . Along with raising a happy 5-year-old , I have a samll business , and I attend school part-time .

I'm tired of supposed well-meaning friends implying that I should marry . They ask , "Do you want to die along ?" or "Don't you want a father for your son ?" I answer them with humor , but I don't appreciate the questions .

Please help your readers understand that it is OK not to be interested in marriage . Not everyone wants to share a bed or a bathroom or a bank account .

Many of the married moms I know are unhappy , and quite a few end up raising their husbands , as well as their kids . Being single isn't a mark of failure and doesn't require an explanation .

I understand the value of society places n marriage , but what happened to the value of minding your own business ?

Happy Single Parent

Dear Happy Single Parent ,

Good luck with that . If the same friends keep making the same intrusive remarks , tell them politely, "I cannot imagine why you think this is your business ." It's less gentle than you like , but it shouls put an end to the questions .

Maxy

Dear Maxy,

I have a friend who means well , but she will make comments about what I'm eating if she doesn't deem it healthy , and she has told me I could lose a few pounds . She doesn't say it to be malicious , but how can I remedy this without causing drama ? She is becoming a broken record .

I have a bit of a weight problem , but I recently started a fitness routine with a trainer , so I'm on it . I would appreciate encouragement rather than constant critiquing .

Feeling Fat

Dear Feeling Fat ,

Congratulations on taking steps to become healthy . The best thing you can do for yourself is to claim a healthy lifestyle and then maitain it .

Enroll your friend as a cheerleader . Assure her that you are paying attention to your health , and reveal your new fitness plan to her . Share how excited you are about developing this discipline . Ask her to support you , then decribe what support looks like to you .

Be sure to tell her that you prefer she not scrutinize your food choices , and that you are uncomfortable when she criticizes you .

Maxy