My youngest son is 34-years-old and lives with my wife and me . He is an alcoholic and unemployed , with no interest in getting a job . He helps at home by doing the cooking . He is a great cook by trade . He was laid off as head cook at a restaurant and can't get over it .
My son is a good person and I love him very much . He claims he was blackballed . He has had 10 good jobs over the past 15 years , but has had at least five DUIs and has been in jail three time .
Could this be true ? Is there any way I could get him out of the house and into a work program ? My wife will not back me up when I tell him he has to get a job .
Beside Myself
Dear Beside Myself ,
Employers routinely refuse to hire those who have a drug or alcohol problem and have been arrested multiple times . It has nothing to do with being "blackballed." Regardless of his cooking skills, your son is not a reliable employee .
The official NIAAA position is that alcoholism is a disease. The craving that an alcoholic feels for alcohol can be as strong as the need for food or water. An alcoholic will continue to drink despite serious family, health, work related or legal problems. He is stalled and is not capable of moving forward in his life without intervention. You and your wife must work together in helping him recover.
Before you check out a work program, please convince him to attend an AA meeting (aa.org ). That is 'step one'.
You and your wife would also benefit from a deeper understanding of how you may be enabling your son's drinking, which is undermining his health, his efforts to find employment and become independent of you.
For you , I recommend Al-Anon ( al.anon.alateen.org ) . Your son can still turn his life around, but not without the right kind of help to cure his alcoholism.
Maxy
Dear Maxy,
That's why I just don't get it . I don't have a clue as to how to address this with him . It's such a personal issue and I don't know how to approach him about it . Should I say something or just leave it alone ?
Halitosis Alert
Dear Halitosis Alert ,
Dealing with bad breath is an ongoing issue for many people . I have spoken to several dentists and medical doctors over the years about it and typically come up with the same points . Halitosis can be caused by a variety of issues, from not brushing or flossing your teeth well enough to peroidontal disease, which is inflammation of the gums and supporting tissues around the teeth . The kinds of food you eat and smoking can also be major causes. Certain diseases such as dry mouth, respiratory tract infections, acid reflux, liver or kidney problems and diabetes can also be responsible for this condition.
Because this condition could indicate a health concern, it may be worth mentioning it to your friend . If you feel you are close enough to him to discuss something so intimate, start out by telling him you want to talk about a very personal subject . Ask his permission to proceed . If he agrees, tell him you have noticed over the years that sometimes his breath has a sour odor and suggest that he check it out with his doctor and/or dentist in case it is a symptom of a serious health problem. Leave it at that .
Maxy
I get her position , but I live in the city and I have seen way too much gun violence that has unnecessarily killed countless young people . We strongly disgree on this topic .
How do you continue to talk to someone about a sensitive subject when you do not share views .
Anti-Guns
Dear Anti-guns ,
There is something to be said for both sides. The key is moderation.
The genius of the framers of the Constitution is that they wrote a living document that was designed to be amended as we go. The founding fathers could not foresee the way the future would unfold or they would have warned us about cyber hacking and identity theft. The idea is to interpret the second amendment as it applies to today.
Owning guns is a personal choice. There is no right or wrong if they are in the hands of responsible people. In light of the tragedies we have experienced in the last few years, I think most people can agree on stricter and better enforced gun regulations. That could be the place to start the dialogue with your friend. Something you can both agree on ...and go from there.
If you can talk civilly about your beliefs, you may both come to an understanding of the pros and cons of both sides of this volatile issue. Extremes of any kind seldom steer you in the right direction. Enjoy the debate without making it an argument and learn from each other. Start talking .
Maxy
Dear Maxy ,
I hired a young man to work with me a couple of months ago . He seemed to have a lot of promise , but then it all seemed to fizzle . I would ask him to complete tasks ; when he completed them , he didn't bother to say anything . I told him that initiative is very important to me , as I operate a small business and really don't have time to hold his hand all day . Even though he seems to be very smart , he really never demonstrated initiative . What's worse is that a couple of times I asked him to meet me to bring me important paperwork , and each time he was at least 30 minutes late with no real apology . I am ready to let him go , less than 90 days in . I want to tell him why , as I may be able to help him in his next job . . How do you recommend I talk to him ?
End of Probation
Dear End Of Probation ,
This is a problem that should have been addressed as each incident occurred. Each should have been discussed with the young man and documented . That's what a typical 90 day probationary period is all about...an indoctrination into the way you conduct business and an evaluation of the employee's performance. You should have a system set up, whereby, after a certain number of incidents the employee recieves a warning to give him a chance to improve his performance.
If said employee has reached the limit of your patience for inefficient work habits or tardiness then you have a record to show him that explains why you have to let him go. Go through it point by point so that there is no misunderstanding.
As for initiative...that is very hard to instill in someone, even with incentives. They either have it or they do not.
It is fairly obvious that the young man does not suit the job and should be dismissed. So, point out to him that he must work on improving these particular areas and improving his work ethic so that in his next job he will stand a better chance of success.
Maxy
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