I am unable to develop feelings of love for my husband of eight years . In fact , deep inside, I despise him .
This is my second marriage , his fourth . In our early years together, I began to notice obvious signs of his having an intimate relationship with another woman . He always refuted this vehemently and became angry with me for even saying such a thing . But the evidence I've accumulated is enough proof for me . I even saw this woman multiple times and the looks she gave me were of the "cat that ate the canary" variety.
My husband has no idea that I have evidence, although I am now positive that he has stopped seeing this woman . My problem is that my heart has a layer of cement around it because he has insulted and disrespected my intelligence by continuing to lie about it . I cannot trust someone who is unable to be truthful .
If my husband would only come forward and admit his guilt, as hard as it would be , I would be able to go through the process of forgiving his betrayal . But he is unwilling . It saddens me that he is still robbing us both of a better marriage . Any advice ?
Heart of Stone
Dear Heart of Stone,
Your heart isn't cement . You care a great deal and are trying to protect yourself from the pain of being hurt .
It's possible that your "proof" doesn't tell the whole story . Your husband may have been less involved than your evidence would indicate, in which case , he doesn't believe he has anything to admit . Please don't play games with your marriage .
If you have proof , show him . Tell him you are willing to forgive if he comes clean and that not disussing it honestly could destroy your relationship .
If this still doesn't help you find the reassurance you need , please consider counselling , with or without him .
Maxy
Dear Maxy,
As a geriatrician , I know how thrilled patients are when they are released from the hosiptal and how upsetting it is to be readmitted a few weeks , or even just days later .
One in five older patients is readmitted to the hosiptal within 30 days of leaving it . Each year , these repeat visits add billions of dollars to national health care costs. Fortunately , there are things people can do .
Patients and their family members should question their doctors , nurses and pharmacists about anything they don't understand . If questions aren't answered , miscommunication or misunderstandings can lead to complications . Patients should repeat the instructions back to the doctor and nurses . That demonstrates whether or not they understand what to do .Most important, patients should leave the hosiptal with a written plan that includes information on how to take care of their condition, when their follow-up visits will be , what mediciations to take and complications to watch for .
We've put together a patient checklist and care transition plan that anyone can download at www.CareAboutYourCare.org . Thank you for sharing this information and helping people stay well .
Risa Lavizzo-Mourey , MD , President and CEO , Robert Wood Johnson Foundation
Dear Dr.Lavizzo-Mourey ,
Thank you so much for sharing this practical and worthwhile information with our readers .Everyone going to the hosiptal should take this information with them .
Maxy
Dear Maxy ,
Two years ago , I married my best friend . I've been with her for 10 years . She has two teenage children from a previous marriage . When we all moved in together nine years ago , there were a few struggles, but I felt they were not unusal and we could overcome them .
But now it's worse . I believe part of the problem is that my wife does not provide enough structure in the children's lives. She would rather be a friend than a parent and as a result , they do not respect either of us . My wife is defensive when it comes to criticism or suggestions about her kids . She always take their side.
Last week , my 17-year-old stepson asked for an expensive item . When he heard me say "no" he flipped out . He was full of rage and it was obvious that he has pent-up anger toward me . I have raised this kid half his life and have provided for him when his own father wouldn't . I don't have the finances to provide luxury items and while this has caused tension in the past , I don't deserve to be spoken to that way and said so .
I gave him an ultimatum . I told him to say everything he needs to in order to clear the air and after that he will be no longer welcome in our home . He should live with his father .
My wife has essentially told me that I'm the bad guy here . Am I wrong to believe in old-fashioned discipline ?
Stepdad
Dear Stepdad ,
I agree your wife should be dealing with this in a more effective manner . But you cannot give ultimations to your wife's children unless she backs you up .
You are overstepping your authority . If she is forced to choose between you and her children, you will lose .
Please check out the National Stepfamily Resource Center (stepfamilies.info) for information and suggestions .
Maxy
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