Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy,
I am unable to develop feelings of love for my husband  of eight years . In fact , deep inside, I despise him .
This is my second marriage , his fourth . In our early years together, I began to notice obvious  signs of his having an intimate  relationship with another woman . He always refuted  this vehemently and became angry with me for even saying such a thing . But the evidence  I've accumulated  is enough proof  for me . I even saw  this woman multiple times and the looks she gave me  were of the "cat that ate the canary" variety.
My husband has no idea that I have evidence, although I am now positive  that he has  stopped seeing this woman . My problem is that my heart  has a layer of cement  around  it because  he has insulted  and disrespected  my intelligence  by continuing  to lie about it . I cannot trust someone  who is unable to be truthful .
If my husband would only come forward and admit his guilt, as hard as  it would be , I would be able  to go through the process  of forgiving his betrayal . But he is unwilling . It saddens  me that he is still robbing us both  of a better marriage . Any advice ?
Heart of Stone
Dear Heart of Stone,
Your heart isn't cement . You care a great deal  and are trying  to protect  yourself  from the pain of being hurt .
It's possible that your "proof" doesn't tell the whole story . Your husband may have been less involved  than your evidence would indicate, in which case , he doesn't believe  he has anything  to admit . Please don't play games  with your marriage .
If you have proof , show him . Tell him you are willing to forgive if he comes clean and that not disussing it honestly could destroy  your relationship .
If this still doesn't help you find  the reassurance  you need , please consider  counselling , with or without him .
Maxy

Dear Maxy,
As a geriatrician , I know how thrilled patients are when they are released  from the hosiptal  and how upsetting  it is to be readmitted a few  weeks , or even just days later .
One in five older patients  is readmitted  to the hosiptal  within 30 days of leaving  it . Each year , these repeat visits add billions of dollars to national health care costs. Fortunately , there are things people can do .
Patients and their family members should question  their doctors , nurses and pharmacists  about anything  they don't understand . If questions aren't answered  , miscommunication or misunderstandings  can lead to complications . Patients should repeat  the instructions  back to the doctor  and nurses . That demonstrates  whether  or not  they understand what to do .Most important, patients  should leave  the hosiptal with a written plan that includes  information  on how to take care of their condition, when their follow-up visits  will be , what mediciations  to take  and complications to watch for .
We've put  together  a patient checklist  and care transition  plan that anyone can download  at www.CareAboutYourCare.org . Thank you for sharing  this information  and helping people stay well .
Risa Lavizzo-Mourey , MD , President and CEO , Robert Wood Johnson Foundation
Dear Dr.Lavizzo-Mourey ,
Thank you so much for sharing  this practical and worthwhile  information  with our readers .Everyone going to the hosiptal  should take  this information with them .
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
Two years ago , I married my best friend . I've been with her for 10 years . She has two teenage children from a previous marriage . When we all moved in together  nine years ago , there were a few struggles, but I felt  they were not unusal and we could overcome them .
But now it's worse . I believe part of the problem  is that my wife  does not provide enough structure in the children's lives. She would rather be a friend  than a parent  and as a result , they do not respect either of us . My wife is defensive  when it comes  to criticism or suggestions about her kids . She always take their side.
Last week , my 17-year-old stepson asked for  an expensive item . When he heard  me say "no" he flipped out . He was full of rage  and it was obvious that he has pent-up anger  toward me . I have  raised this kid half his life  and have provided  for him  when his own father  wouldn't . I don't have the finances  to provide luxury items  and while this has  caused tension in the past , I don't deserve to be spoken  to that way and said so .
I gave him an ultimatum . I told him to say  everything  he needs to in order  to clear the air  and after that he will be no longer welcome  in our home . He should live with his father .
My wife has essentially told me  that I'm the bad guy here . Am I wrong to believe in old-fashioned discipline ?
Stepdad
Dear Stepdad ,
I agree your wife should be dealing with this  in a more effective manner . But you cannot give ultimations  to your wife's children  unless she backs you up .
You are overstepping your authority . If she is forced  to choose between you and her children, you will lose .
Please check out the National Stepfamily Resource Center (stepfamilies.info) for information  and suggestions .
Maxy