Ask Maxy

Our 22-year-old son is in college . He lives at home , and we pay all his expenses , which is fine with us . He was never particularly interested in school until his last year of high school . Now he's doing really well .
The problem is , he gets to go to medical school and needs to pass the MCAT exam . He is studying very hard and barely speaks to us . This is frightening for us . He is our only child , and we are trying very hard to be nice to him , but he dismisses us completely . When he eats dinner with us , he barely answers our questions and gets up as soon as possible . Even when he's watching TV in his room , he locks his door .
It's hard to deal with this . How can we make him understand that success isn't everything ?
Worried Mom
Dear Mom ,
Right now , doing well in school and passing his MCATs are the most important thing in your son's life , he is working hard to achieve his goals . Instead of demanding his attention , try to support his ambition . Keep in mind that you get to see your child more often than many parents whose college-age children are home only during semester breaks (and not always then). And it's harder for him to have the independent , adult life he craves , because he still lives with you .
We know it's difficult that he so uncommunicative , and you can ask him to be civil enough tp respong politely when spoken to . But beyond that , please accept his presence as it is . If it's at all possible for him to live in a dorm room ot get a part-time job to support an apartment , I highly recommend it .
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
My local grocery has carryout service . I tell them I don't need help , but they always assist anyway . Granted , I I look like I need help because I always have my 9-monthold baby and 3-year-old toddler with me .
I realize they are only being kind , but it makes me think I have to tip them a dollar or two . Do I ? How much ? How can I make it clear that I don't want their assistance ? (I always take the cart back to the store . The extra walk is great exercise.)
----J
Dear J,
Groceries that offer to have someone take your bags to your car generally do so as a courtesy to the shoppers , and a tip is not required . If you aren't sure what the policy is for your store , ask the manager . And while you're at it , inquire how to do without this service . Perhaps you simply need to be more forceful when saying , "Absolutely not , thank you very much ."
Maxy

Dear Maxy,
My mother is 84-years-old and lives in another state . My 33-year-old nephew and his three kids live with her , as do my niece , Anna" and her two children . Not one of them has a job .
Several months ago , Mom broke her hip and was in rehab for four months . During that time Anna used Mom's ATM card and took all the money out of her account . She also opened credit cards in Mom's name and ran up huge bills and stole Mom's mail-order pills and sold them on the street .
What's worse is that my sister , the mother of this niece and nephew , insists that I am not permitted to say one negative word to my mother about them .She claims the thievery is between Anna , Mom and God . My mother is scared of all of them . I have called Adult Protective Services , but was told they'd only step in if my mother made a report .
My sister says I need to forgive Anna and let it go . How do I do that ? There has been no accountability , no restitution , no apology . Also , I found out that Mom's good jewelry was pawned for drugs . Any ideas ?
Mad
Dear Mad ,
Adult Protective Services may not be able to step in if Mom appears to be mentally healthy and refuses to cooperate . You sister is trying to protect her children . Shame on her for allowing them to financially abuse their grandmother .
Please try the Eldercare Locator at 1-800-677-1116 (eldercare.gov) and ask what assistance is available in Mom's state .
Maxy