Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I just learned from my son's school that he is not doing as well in math as we had hoped . He doesn't have to go to summer school , but it would be helpful for him to have support so that he could do better next year. We have already set him up in a number of programs for the summer , all of which are fun based . Now I realize that we have to add tutoring . How do I break it down to him so that he will pay attention and do real work when he expects to have the summer off to just have fun ? 
Getting to the point 
Dear Getting to The Point ,
Before summer starts , sit  down with your son and review his grades and whatever additional information you have gathered from his school . Ask  your son to talk to you about how he feels he has done in class . Get him to speak about where he thinks he may need  support . Create a conversation that allows your son to feel comfortable enough to open up about his academic life . Introduce the idea of a tutor and don't make it sound like punishment for a disappointing performance in math. Make it sound more like support and tell him it will make next year's  math course much easier for him. He will start the new school year fully prepared. It will be easier for him to accept and pay attention to a tutor who reviews his year's work in easy stages.
 As for the remainder of the summer, I suggest you tell your son about the rest of the schedule you have put in place for him. Get his input. He may not wish to participate in all of the programs. It is, after all, his vacation. He is still a kid and is entitled to have some free hang time, to just be a kid and do whatever he feels like doing. Make time for that. Too much regimentation can suppress a child's imagination, creativity and individuality.
Monitor him without making it noticeable, throughout the summer, to see if he is enjoying his activities and completing his studies. The most important thing here is to see to his happiness first and everything else second.
 Maxy.

Dear Maxy,
I have been trying to find a friend from high school because I came across some old letters from him back in the day . I was cleaning out my house , and when I found them , they made me happy . I have had so much loss in the past few years between family members passing and a few friends in my age group . I want to find this old friend . Anyhow, I have asked around and I learned he is incarcerated . I feel so bad for him . I also wonder if I should follow up and send him a note or even visit him . It took some digging , but I know exactly where he is . My worry is that if I contact him , I will then need to somehow be responsible for him . What should I do ?
Finding a Friend ... Jackson , Mississippi 
Dear  Finding A Friend ,
You have gone such lengths to find out where your friend is, don't stop now. Send  him a letter  telling  him  that you have been thinking about  him and  why.  Enclose one of the letters that you found , if you like .  Explain that re-reading the letters made you happy during your time of sadness and loss. Thank him for that and wish him well .
If he writes you back, there is no harm in indulging in some correspondence with him. You are both adults and very much alone.
But you are in no way responsible for this person, nor will you ever be. You are merely two old friends who got in touch and nothing more. Keep it on a very casual pen pal level.
Maxy

Dear Maxy , 
Is there any end to it ? I am 68 and have been married 44 years . My husband and I both have some health issues , but he still needs sex or he becomes depressed and can't seem to function . My husband is also addicted to pornography and has been his whole adult life . I've looked the other way on this vice because he is otherwise a wonderful husband and father .
I just don't feel like feeding his sex fantasies at this stage of our marriage. Not to mention Viagra is an expensive pill and has some side affects . I seriously would like honest answers from other senior citizens in their late 60s or early 70s .
What should I do ? I've thought about ending the marriage and letting him find a younger gal . I know that's what some men need and want .
Had Enough , Thanks 

 Dear Had Enough ,
Your problems are mostly rooted in the fact that you have ignored your husband's porn addiction for years .  You must discuss this with him and then you and he need to speak with a professional counselor, experienced in treating sexual addictions. It is the same as being addicted to a drug, alcohol, smoking or gambling. It's not something most people can change or go cold turkey on their own.  He needs an intervention. Change is possible, even after all these years, but only if you guys stop the cycle you're on.
 Married sex is about intimacy, loving and caring about the enjoyment of your partner. And  there is no expiration date on that. He has, long ago, lost sight of that maxim and become completely selfish about intercourse. Perhaps you have lost sight of it too because of your disenchantment. For a start, you might go to a counselor on your own and talk it out with him. Then include  your husband in the counseling.
Have you had enough sex, period... or just had enough indulging in the sexual  fantasies, fed  by his addiction ? If the latter, you are under no obligation to do things that make you  feel uncomfortable or unhappy  just to pander to his bizarre fantasy  life .  
But remember, although your libido may have disappeared because of health issues, his hasn't . And he still has needs that have to be addressed one way or another.  The majority of seniors enjoy healthy, normal sexual relations for as long as they are well enough to participate. At 68 you should still be enjoying that closeness with your husband.   There is of course, a natural, slow decline in libido as you get older and there are therapeutic hormonal remedies that can help women continue a happy sex life.  Your husband should not be using Viagra. It just aggravates his problems and yours . Viagra can also have very harmful side effects.
To learn about sex among seniors...go to these helpful websites :
- http://consumer.healthday.com/encyclopedia/aging-1/misc-aging-news-10/sex-and-seniors-the-70-year-itch-647575.html
- http://www.webmd.com/healthy-aging/guide/sex-aging
- http://www.over65.thehastingscenter.org/sex-after-sixty-five/
- http://www.helpguide.org/articles/aging-well/better-sex-as-you-age.htm
Maxy 

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
What is the right age to let girls wear makeup ? I have a daughter in the 5th grade . Most of the girls are 10 and 11 years old . They are just beginning to take an interest in beauty . One of the girls has come to school a few times wearing lipstick . It was bright red . I thought it was inappropriate . Obviously , she is not my child , but I am concerned about my daughter getting the wrong impression of what is right . I don't want to speak poorly of this girl . but I want my daughter to be clear on what I think is appropriate . I currently allow her to wear colorless lip gloss and that's it .
Setting the Standards ---Jackson Mississippi 
Dear Setting the Standards,
Playing with make-up on your mom's dressing table is a rite-of-passage many of us will remember, but the regular wearing of make-up certainly has become a more controversial debate.
Many girls are starting to wear make-up from the age of 11 - three years younger than it was a decade ago. Peer pressure from friends, older siblings and wanting to feel grown up are being blamed as the main cause. They are also influenced by what they see on TV and the internet.
Unsurprisingly, most women don't approve of the shift in pre-teen girls and their beauty habits. Women are mostly concerned that these pre-teen girls might develop an unhealthy obsession with their appearance. This is a reasonable viewpoint.
The general guideline ( after asking a few dozen moms of  pre-teens) seems to be: clear or pink lip gloss between 11 and 12, conservative eye make-up, somewhere between 13 and 14 and light foundation between 14 and 15 as long as they are not having problems with blemishes. 
You and I know that make-up is a part of every woman's life . And so teens should be taught how to use cosmetics properly and keep them light and natural looking.
Set some guidelines with your daughter...such as:
You may wear light pink lipstick at 12....mascara at 13 etc. So that she has a clear picture of what you expect.  What you don't want, is for her to feel left behind by her friends. She wants the same privileges as her peer group. She is excited about becoming a young woman.
Pick your battles; this isn't such a big one. Look ahead a couple of years.  Soon you will be dealing with when she can wear high heels and when she can start dating. Better to take a firm stance on boys, drugs, alcohol and getting her homework done.
Maxy

Dear Maxy,
Tooth decay runs in my family . Nearly everyone who got to be 40 has ended up with dentures . I am the first one to retain most of my teeth . I have had a bunch of dental procedures, but so far, no dentures . I mention this because I have two children who have inherited poor dental habits even though I have been vigilant about my own teeth . I don't know what to do to get them to understand the repercussions if they do not start practicing better hygiene .
Clean mouth 
Dear  Clean Mouth ,
For a start you could look up some scary images on the internet of people with decayed and or missing teeth due to poor dental hygiene. That kind  of  "scared straight" approach can awaken them to the  potential  downside of  bad habits .
 Also, get your dentist to warn them as to what can happen to their teeth and gums without proper care, as the years progress. Ask him/her to demonstrate  proper brushing and flossing and give them a routine to follow. If they follow the routine, they should get some kind of reward each week.
Possibly one of your relatives might even co-operate by telling the children how they regret not taking better care of their teeth.
If all else fails, you may have to take away privileges until brushing and flossing becomes a regular routine. This is something you have to police pretty closely, for their own benefit. Good luck.
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
My husband died 11 years ago . Our son "Marcus" was 6 at the time . His dad was in intensive care for two months, and because of his young age, our son was not allowed to see his father .
Before he died, my husband asked his younger brother to keep his drum set until Marcus turned 18 . Marcus' uncles used to call him on his birthday, which also was his father's birthday . But since my husband died, neither has called to wish their nephew a happy birthday . 
Marcus will be 18 soon . He is into music and wants the drums . I have asked his uncle on several occasions by sending a message on Facebook . I also asked my son's half-brother (from my husband's first marriage) to get the drums and Marcus could pick them up from his house . Nothing has happened . I recently noticed a picture on Facebook of a guy who used to play in a band with my late husband . In the photo, he is playing drums that look suspiciously like the ones that belong to my son .
Marcus has nothing of his father's . He was not included in any decisions on what to sell and what to keep, or even asked what he'd like to have . He was also given his dad's El Camino . But my husband put the title in the name of Marcus half-brother, who sold it . He didn't even give my son any of the money from the sale . That was bad enough , but Marcus only really cares about the drums .
The entire family knows that my late husband wanted Marcus to have the drums . What should I do ? File a lawsuit ? How do I honor my later husband's wishes and give my son this final gift from his dad? 
Distraught Mom of a Musician 
Dear Mom of a Musician, 
Is  anything  in writing? If  not, you might  need  to file  a lawsuit, but  in order  to prove  your  case, you probably  will need other credible  witnesses  to testify that your husband's wish  was  for Marcus  to have  the  drum set . An attorney  will let  you know  if  you have  a case .
But  a lawsuit  should  be the last  resort . Asking personal
questions  on Facebook is making your family's business open to the public and I am not surprised you got no response . Pick up the  phone . Call the  uncle who supposedly has the drum set . Be nice. Tell him  what a wonderful 18th birthday  present  it  would be for  Marcus  to finally have  this  memento  from his  father . Ask if it would be convenient if you or Marcus picked it up,  and  what you can do to facilitate  the transfer .
Marcus  could also call his  uncle . Family relationships work  both ways  and  Marcus  is  old  enough  now  to establish  his  own contact with his uncle.  If he told him in person, how much it would mean to him, you might get a more positive response.
Marcus should have established a relationship with his uncle long before now. He is nearly eighteen, almost a man. He may be the one to best handle the situation.
But for certain, If you hound this uncle you will only make the situation worse and make him dig his heels in. 
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
Last week , our son came home from school and told us that a boy at his school had killed himself . The boy had been a friend of his since fifth grade . 
The school had a moment of silence over the public address system, but never mentioned the boy's name . Most of the details about the suicide are nonexistent, although there are few things mentioned on a website asking for help paying for funeral costs . Students who didn't know the suicide victim are guessing it was caused by bullying . Our son says that's not true . Some students are even saying the fund requests are a scam .
We haven't heard anything about whether the school is offering grief counseling . We've talked to our son about the tragedy and are trying our best to help him . Because the students have no information, they are making wild guesses and placing misinformed posts on social media . My question is why is this tragedy so secret . Should the school do more ?
Sad Mom
Dear Sad Mom,
Sometimes, the  school is  ill-equipped  to deal  with such  tragedies and  does  nothing, which  tends  to create a whirlwind  of  misinformation . Also, the  administration  may fear
that  mentioning the details  would further negatively affect the kids or even encourage copycat suicides . But the details do not  need  airing . The  acknowledgement  of mourning , however  is  important .
The  American  Foundation  for  Suicide  Prevention  (asfp.org )  offers a  Toolkit  for  Schools , and  you should  mention  this  to the  administration . The  foundation  is  also  an  excellent  resource  for  anyone  dealing  with a suicide   and  you will find  information  there  that  will help  you talk  to  your  son about  his  friend . There most definitely should be a grief counselor at the school to help the children deal with the loss. It might be helpful to talk with some of the other parents to see what you can do as a group to arrange something with the school.
Maxy

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
My youngest son is 34-years-old and lives with my wife and me . He is an alcoholic and unemployed , with no interest in getting a job . He helps at home by doing the cooking . He is a great cook by trade . He was laid off as head cook at a restaurant and can't get over it . 
My son is a good person and I love him very much . He claims he was blackballed . He has had 10 good jobs over the past 15 years , but has had at least five DUIs and has been in jail three time .
Could this be true ? Is there any way I could get him out of the house and into a work program ? My wife will not back me up when I tell him he has to get a job . 
Beside Myself 
Dear Beside Myself ,
Employers routinely refuse to hire those who have a drug or alcohol problem and have been arrested multiple times . It has nothing to do with being "blackballed." Regardless of his cooking skills, your son is not a reliable employee .
The official NIAAA position is that alcoholism is a disease. The craving that an alcoholic feels for alcohol can be as strong as the need for food or water. An alcoholic will continue to drink despite serious family, health, work related or legal problems. He is stalled and is not capable of moving forward in his life without intervention. You and your wife must work together in helping him recover.
Before you check out a work program, please convince him to attend an AA meeting (aa.org ). That is 'step one'.
You and your wife would also benefit from a deeper understanding of how you may be enabling your son's drinking, which is undermining his health, his efforts to find employment and become independent of you.
For you , I recommend Al-Anon  ( al.anon.alateen.org ) . Your son can still turn his life around, but not without the right kind of help to cure his alcoholism.
Maxy

Dear Maxy,

I have a friend who used to work with me and I ran into him the other day . He has terrible bad breath and I find it so strange because otherwise he is a super neat and clean guy . He's a gym rat . He is super buff and pays close attention to himself . 
That's why I just don't get it . I don't have a clue as to how to address this with him . It's such a personal issue and I don't know how to approach him about it . Should I say something or just leave it alone ? 
Halitosis Alert 
Dear Halitosis Alert ,
Dealing with bad breath is an ongoing issue for many people . I have spoken to several dentists and medical doctors over the years about it and typically come up with the same points . Halitosis can be caused by a variety of issues, from not brushing or flossing your teeth well enough to peroidontal disease, which is inflammation of the gums and supporting tissues around the teeth . The kinds of food you eat and smoking can also be major causes. Certain diseases such as dry mouth, respiratory tract infections, acid reflux, liver or kidney problems and diabetes can also be responsible for this condition. 
Because this condition could indicate a health concern, it may be worth mentioning it to your friend . If you feel you are close enough to him to discuss something so intimate, start out by telling him you want to talk about a very personal subject . Ask his permission to proceed . If he agrees, tell him you have noticed over the years that sometimes his breath has a sour odor and suggest that he check it out with his doctor and/or dentist in case it is a symptom of a serious health problem. Leave it at that .
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,

I have a friend who keeps weapons in her home . She lives in the country and told me she feels strongly about having protection against wild animals and that it's just part of the culture there . 
I get her position , but I live in the city and I have seen way too much gun violence that has unnecessarily killed countless young people . We strongly disgree on this topic .
How do you continue to talk to someone about a sensitive subject when you do not share views . 
Anti-Guns
Dear Anti-guns ,
There is something to be said for both sides. The key is moderation. 
The genius of the framers of the Constitution is that they wrote a living document that was designed to be amended as we go. The founding fathers could not foresee the way the future would unfold or they would have warned us about cyber hacking and identity theft. The idea is to interpret the second amendment as it applies to today.
 Owning guns is a personal choice. There is no right or wrong if they are in the hands of responsible people. In light of the tragedies we have experienced in the last few years, I think most people can agree on stricter and better enforced gun regulations. That could be the place to start the dialogue with your friend. Something you can both agree on ...and go from there.
If you can talk civilly about your beliefs, you may both come to an understanding of the pros and cons of both sides of this volatile issue. Extremes of any kind seldom steer you in the right direction. Enjoy the debate without making it an argument and learn from each other. Start talking .
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I hired a young man to work with me a couple of months ago . He seemed to have a lot of promise , but then it all seemed to fizzle . I would ask him to complete tasks ; when he completed them , he didn't bother to say anything . I told him that initiative is very important to me , as I operate a small business and really don't have time to hold his hand all day . Even though he seems to be very smart , he really never demonstrated initiative . What's worse is that a couple of times I asked him to meet me to bring me important paperwork , and each time he was at least 30 minutes late with no real apology . I am ready to let him go , less than 90 days in . I want to tell him why , as I may be able to help him in his next job . . How do you recommend I talk to him ?
End of Probation 
Dear End Of Probation ,
This is a problem that should have been addressed as each incident occurred. Each should have been discussed with the young man and documented . That's what a typical 90 day probationary period is all about...an indoctrination into the way you conduct business and an evaluation of the employee's performance. You should have a system set up, whereby, after a certain number of incidents the employee recieves a warning to give him a chance to improve his performance.
If said employee has reached the limit of your patience for inefficient work habits or tardiness then you have a record to show him that explains why you have to let him go. Go through it point by point so that there is no misunderstanding.
As for initiative...that is very hard to instill in someone, even with incentives. They either have it or they do not.
It is fairly obvious that the young man does not suit the job and should be dismissed. So, point out to him that he must work on improving these particular areas and improving his work ethic so that in his next job he will stand a better chance of success.
Maxy

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I have been married to "Ralph" for 30 years . Recently , I discovered that he has been speaking with an ex-girlfriend on his cellphone . These conversations have been going on for 10 years . They both say they are only friends , but I don't believe it .
This woman is married and lives out of state . Can two married people secretly talk to each other for 10 years behind their spouses' backs and it just be innocent conversation ? By the way this isn't an ordinary ex-girlfriend . Ralph planned to marry her after high school, but she chose college and he had to let her go .
When I confronted Ralph, he said, "this has nothing to do with you. My feelings for you have never changed and I never treated you any differently." But I feel as if I have been cheated out of ten years of my marriage because the ex-girlfriend was taking part of him away from me and I didn't know . 
Ralph is a phenomenal father and has been a great husband . He wants me to let this go so we can move on . But how can I trust him again ?
Feeling Betrayed
Dear Feeling Betrayed,
Sharing conversation is not the problem . The fact that you were unaware of it for 10 years and this woman was romantically important to your husband is what's bothering you. Has Ralph been sharing inimate thoughts with her ? Has he confided about his marriage to her ? Has he expressed an interest in getting together with her ? And does he intend to continue the relationship with her, regardless of how you feel about it ? You need to know.
Ralph may feel that if there is no physical affair, he did nothing wrong . But he kept an on-going friendship with someone of the opposite sex a secret from you and that is destructive to a relationship. Anything that betrays your trust damages your marriage. Trust is the hardest thing to re-build.
 Please ask Ralph to come with you for a few sessions with a marriage counselor, who could help him understand why this matters and help both of you fix it . This is how you "let it go" so you can move on .
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,

I have been married for 22 years . I started working when I was 14 and didn't stop until I started having medical issues two years ago .

The problem is my family . My husband doesn't think it is important that our two kids, 20 and 21, have jobs . I have tried repeatedly to help them find employment because they won't bother to try on their own . But they'll stay at a job for a month or two and then they leave . My husband doesn't think there is a problem . When I bring it up, my son yells at me and my husband doesn't care . He says at least our son attends night classes twice a week . Our daughter's self esteem is very low and I am worried about her .
I am sick of the arguments about the kids not doing more around the house and not finding work . I have moved out of the house and in with a friend . Was I wrong to do this ? How do I make my husband see that the kids should have jobs .
Expect Better 
Dear Expect Better,
This is a relatively new, but widespread problem: adult children who won’t leave home and remain dependent on their parents like permanent adolescents.
If you are no longer in the house, the situation will never improve. It is not easy to help an adult child transition to adulthood. To jump-start their independence will take a concerted effort with your husband.
The problem lies with the generation of parents who shielded children from problems and made sacrifices to give them better lives. Consequently, many young people graduate from high school expecting life to be easy and free of hardships. They are not prepared to handle adversity and setbacks, nor ready to push themselves to get ahead.
Parents have also been more permissive with your kids' generation than any other. Experts encouraged them not to "boss" their children and preached that good parents just couldn’t do enough for them. Some of these young people now have an exaggerated sense of self-worth and entitlement and don't respect authority. Theories on child rearing change with every generation and we have to deal with the results.
Kids of this era were not expected to help much around the home, deliver newspapers, mow lawns or help in the community and consequently, a lot of children never developed a work ethic.
So, first of all , stop playing the parent versus child game and speak to them like adults. You and your husband must back each other up if you want this to work. Explain to the kids that you can no longer take care of them because you have to think about your own future and retirement.
Present a plan to them ... For example :
1. "I will provide you with room and board for the next year to give you a chance to find yourself and a career.
2. "In three months, I will stop giving you money so you will need to find a way to take care of your expenses for clothes and entertainment."
3. "I will pay your tuition for courses you pass. Failed courses that need to be repeated will be at your expense. I will also buy your textbooks."
4. "I will pay for six months of counseling if over the next few months you decide you need help in getting a career and living on your own."
5. "Six months from today, I will stop paying for your car insurance, car payments and gas. You can either take those expenses over yourself in your name or I will sell the car. Lots of people can’t afford a car and rely on public transportation, a bike or rides with friends."
6. "As of today, your laundry will be your responsibility."
 7. "If you let me know in advance when you will be home for dinner, you can join me for dinner but all other meals will be your responsibility."
You can customize this list in any way to suit your own situation. You and your husband need to speak to a counselor together for further advice and to get hubby on board with the plan. Even if your husband won't go, counseling could help you work out better ways of negotiating, so that you have other choices besides frustration and walking out .
Maxy

Dear Maxy,
My boyfriend just came back from Iraq . Last night, we got into and argument and before I knew it, I found myself on the ground with a bruise on my neck and a sprained ankle . I never thought my boyfriend would hurt me . Meanwhile, my roommates freaked out and called an ambulance and after a long plea, I persuaded them not to call the cops . I know domestic violence is serious, but I never expected to be a victim of this foolery . I love my boyfriend . There's a first time for everything and I know our hearts are in sync . I think his behavior has something to do with his deployment for six months . Where should we go to get help ?
Sara
Dear Sara,
You are right to be concerned, and are being very understanding 
by not just walking away from the situation.
Many veterans experience 'post-tramatic stress disorder' after being on the battlefield . PTSD is a difficult and often dangerous mental condition for patients and those around them, especially their spouses. PTSD happens when someone comes back from a truly horrible, violent or near-death experience. Something in the brain snaps; gets rewired and the person with PTSD has no choice but to keep reliving those traumatizing moments physically, mentally and emotionally. They can also have flashbacks, awake or sleeping.
When undiagnosed or untreated, this condition worsens and the violent outbursts increase in severity. You become a victim, trying to cope with your partmer's bouts of depression, aggression and dramatic mood swings. You cannot fix this.
The good news is that help exists for veterans who need to process what happened in their lives and need to learn how to manage the variety of physical, emotional and spiritual challenges that they may face in the wake of their experiences .
Talk to your boyfriend and ask him to get help so that he can get better . Urge him to get support . To find help , visit the VA website at (ptsd.ve.gov )
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I recently relocated to Orlando area as a single 32-year-old man with no kids or previous marriages . However, I eventually want to settle down . Lately, I've been entertaining this "young Thang"--- 24 years old, to be exact --- and I have to admit she has me sprung . She's spunky and energetic, with a fresh perspective on life . She's family-oriented and believes in God, but she parties too much for my liking . Every time I ask her to spend time with me, she mentions going out to a bar or club when all I want to do is enjoy a flick at home with just her and me . Am I asking too much ? Should I continue this relationship knowing that she's not ready to settle down . 
Orlando
Dear Orlando ,
Everyone (man or woman) is entitled to enjoy the wonderous years of their youth and have fun ... before deciding to enter a committed relationship. You have had eight more years of life, experience and sowing your wild oats than she has, so do not expect her to be at the same place in her life as you.
What do you want ? You say that "eventually" you want to settle down, but it sounds as if you are ready to settle down now. You are asking too much. She needs to be who she is right now and she will decide for herself when she is ready to settle down. The things you like about her... her spunk, energy and fresh perspective on life are due to the fact that she is young, carefree and enjoying every minute of her life.
I think a talk with the young lady is in order, to see if she feels the same about you, as you do about her, or if she has intentions of committing to a relationship with you at some point. If so, you must come to a compromise...go out on certain, set nights of the week and stay in on others. If she doesn't wish to settle down right now, and you have no desire to wait until she is ready, then you should end the relationship and move on because it will not end well.
Maxy

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
My fiancé and I have been together for three years . "James' shares custody of his 13-year-old daughter , "Chrissie."
The problem is , Chrissie will not sleep in her own bed . Until recently , she use to sleep on the floor in our room , but two months ago , James started sleeping in her bed . I couldn't take it , so I went back to stay in my place . Now that I am no longer in James' house , Chrissie sleeps with him in his bed . This bothers me .
James and his ex-wife tried sending Chrissie for therapy , but she told them it wasn't working , so they stopped . We have discussed this , but he continues to allow her to sleep in his bed . He doesn't believe there is anything wrong with it and also says he doesn't know what else to do . Chrissie is quite manipulative , conniving and sly . Even her hugs are fake . she is obviously competing with me for her father's attention .
I feel guilty not liking this girl . I understand that divorce is hard on children , but this is ridiculous .
Soon -To-Be-Stepmom 
Dear  Soon-To-Be-Step-Mom,
The fear of sleeping alone is a very real phobia in children. It is related to monophobia (fear of being alone). It comes from a deep seated anxiety, sometimes separation anxiety, and should be treated by a qualified child therapist or child psychologist. Hypnosis has also been shown to be helpful.
You can also do things at home like: redecorate her room in any color or way she likes and make it very comfortable...keep soft lighting on at night. Let her have a small TV in her room that she can keep on low volume all night, perhaps the cooking channel or 24 hour news...hearing human voices or ambient sounds will keep her distracted from her fear. Get her in the habit of reading light fiction or something funny in bed to  make her sleepy and have a relaxing bed time routine ( e.g.: a warm bath and hot chocolate). To start, you could let her sleep near your bedroom door with your door open and gradually make the transition.
On the other hand, Chrissie  may  be manipulating  her  parents  out of  insecurity  and  simply because she can . But her  parents  are  the  real  problem . They are  allowing  Chrissie to control  the family  dynamic.  At thirteen, it is inappropriate for her to sleep with her single dad. She needs her parents to be in charge, and instead, they have given her the reins . The therapist will no doubt advise that the family take counseling together so that James and his ex-wife understand  how much effort  and consistency are required for their daughter 's sake .
This problem has already driven you away because James handled it badly and did not take you into consideration or the way you feel about it. If  you still intend  to marry James, insist on proper therapy .
http://healthresearchfunding.org/overcoming-fear-sleeping-alone-phobia/
http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/anxiety.html
http://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/phobias-and-fears.htm
Maxy

Dear maxy , 
I am 26-years-old and have been in a wonderful relationship for four years . "Cody" is my best friend and we are extremely compatible .
Here's the problem : His sex drive could run circles around mine . Sex is the only way he feels appreciated , loved and needed . Cuddles and kisses don't sate his desire . This puts immense pressure on me to accommodate him . and I am starting to resent it .
If Cody does something sweet for me , such as taking me to dinner , he will make a causal joke about how I should thank him in the bedroom . I have sat his down before and told him how his comments make me feel and that I don't like the emphasis he puts on sex . He either brushes it off , saying I'm too sensitive , or gets upset and says I should do the things for him that makes his happy .
I love him and want to make him happy , but shouldn't that go both ways ? I don't want to to feel sex is his favorite form of currency . Any advice ?
Orlando
Dear Orlando ,
The  fact  that Cody likes  sex  and  prefers  it to other  things is  neither unusual  nor  worrisome . But I don't  like the way he brushes  off your  concerns, blaming  you for  being too "sensitive." This is an indication  that Cody  is immature  and dismissive of  your  feelings . Pressuring  you is a form of controlling  the relationship and he definitely is using sex as currency . You may think Cody is terrific and your best friend now, but over time, these issues will start to create a rift between you . Sexual compatibility issues don't disappear. In fact, they tend to continue to grow and become more frustrating and stressful for both partners; especially compounded with Cody's immaturity and insensitivity to you.
 If  you are  determined  to stay with Cody , you must get couples' counseling  to see whether  you can come to a compromise and save your relationship .
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/divorce-busting/201001/9-tips-the-partner-higher-sex-drive
http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/
2009/05/he-wants-to-do-it-all-the-time-i-want-it-never-are-we-screwed/
Maxy

Dear Maxy,
I am 70 years old , but still enjoy an active life with numerous outdoor activities . My problem is "Ralph" whom I've known for 50 years .
When he has nothing else to do , Ralph phones me to talk ad nauseam about all his health issues , ailments , pharmaceuticals , etc. He never asks how I'm doing , but immediately starts cataloging his myriad problems , none of which are critical .
I have a few issues myself , but I never discuss them with anyone because I cannot conceive of anything more boring than listening to someone complain .
I have caller ID and can avoid Ralph most of the time . He's a good person and a loyal friend , but this has become an obsession I'd like to remedy . How do I address this with him ? 
Bored 
Dear  Bored ,
I know  many people  who enjoy  giving "organ  recitals," but  no one likes  to hear them . Honesty is the best policy with Ralph . He probably has  no idea how he  comes across . Do him a favor and tell him nicely  that his  fixation with his  health, to the exclusion of everything else,  makes  a friendly chat  difficult  and a little  depressing .
If you don't want to try the direct approach....before he gets started, introduce an interesting topic. And change the subject every time he starts tuning up for his organ recital. Unless he is pretty dense, he will eventually get the message
Maxy

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
My parents are getting divorced after 22 years of marriage and it seems to be strongly affecting my mother in a terrible negative way .
Mom has told me that she has contemplated suicide twice . Once, she even held my brother's gun to her head . Everyone in the family, even my grandmother, my aunts and even my boyfriend , think mom needs counseling . 
So how do I suggest it without making her think I am calling her "crazy" ? And another problem is the cost . Mom may refuse to go because it's too expensive . Do you have any suggestions that may help ? 
Concerned Daughter 
Dear Concerned Daughter,
All mentions of sucide  should  be taken seriously . You are right  that your  mother  could  benefit from professional  help  and it  doesen't  need  to be expensive . Tell her  you are worried  about  her  and  it might help if  she  talks  to  someone  about  her  feelings . Free  and low-cost help  is  available  through local  churches, graduate  school  counseling  departments, medical school psychology departments , United Way , the  YWCA, and the YMCA. The Samaritan Institute (  samaritaninstitute.org ) . Nami   ( nami.org ) and  the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (suicidepreventionhotline.org ) and through support  groups  such as  the Depression  and Bipolar Support Alliance  (dbsalliance.org ) and Recovery International(lowselfhelpsystems.org ) . Do a little  research on her behalf  and make  a suggestion , including  a website  or  phone  number so she can get the help she needs. 
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I am noticing a new behavior in my tween daughter that is driving me nuts . Pretty much anything I say to her she rejects as if I don't know what I'm talking about . We are constantly bickering over every little thing . I asked her one day how she became an expert on everything at such a young age , trying to add some levity to the situation . What can I do to stop getting caught up in the arguments .
Stressed Out 
Dear Stressed Out,
According to Dr. Laura Markham, an 11/12 year old girl's hormones are going crazy and their brains are rewiring, so they are famous for their mood swings. They often don't even know why they're having an angry or tearful outburst. They often are ambivalent about "growing up" and resist the bodily changes and societal expectations that are thrust upon them. They begin experimenting with being sassy. It's pretty normal. But you can change the dynamic of the relationship:
1. Reconnect: Hug her more, spend time alone with her, listen more and find out what's going on in her world. Do something she likes....maybe go shopping or out to lunch.

2. Stop criticizing and start appreciating: Consciously remind yourself -- and her -- of all things you love about her. Give her more positive reinforcement and help her build her self esteem.

3. Try to see it from her point of view: Cultivate empathy for her. You may think she is over-reacting or over-dramatizing but girls this age have big feelings. She will learn to moderate them if she feels she is understood by you. 
 Focus on what really matters -- how people in your home treat each other, rather than being a disciplinarian. That doesn't mean you don't set limits. It means you do it in a patient, respectful, calm way, so your child internalizes calmness and respect and the ability to set limits for herself. If you respond to her upsets by getting upset yourself, it's like throwing a match on kindling.

Of course she won't become perfect. So you will need to cultivate the patience of a saint. Is that fair? No. But since when has parenthood been fair? A sense of humor really helps and it can break a tense moment. The bond you build now will last the rest of your life.

Here are some books you can get from the library.... The Everything Tween Book: A Parent's Guide to Surviving the Turbulent Pre-Teen Years - by Linda Sonna......How to Hug a Porcupine: Negotiating the Prickly Points of the Tween Years - by Julie A. Ross......Six Ways to Keep the "Little" in Your Girl: Guiding Your Daughter from Her Tweens to Her Teens - by Dannah Gresh .

Good luck, Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I get so many emails these days that it is hard to keep track of them . It has become a problem for me because I have missed following up on key messages from my family and work . One of my clients got mad and threatened to take his business elsewhere . It that isn't bad enough , one of my friends got upset because I didn't respond to his invitation to go to his birthday party . I didn't see any of these messages . I feel overwhelmed by technology and really wish I didn't have to manage email . What should I do .

Out of Control
Dear Out  of  Control ,
You need to "make friends" with technology and  figure out  how  to use it  to  your  advantage . Start by  separating  your work  from your  personal life . Create  a new  email  address  specifically  for  your  friends  and  family . Send  a message  to all of  them  from that address  requesting that they use  that one . Next , clean out  your  other email  address . Delete  everything  that is  old  and unneccesary  . Review  everything   and respond  to anything  that is  outstanding . If  you are  late  in your  reply , be sure  to apologize  for  your  tardiness . Being  organized  will help you  stay on top  of  your responsibilities .
Maxy

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
My daughter  and her husband  are  using  a surrogate  to have  a baby  . What do I do about  a shower ? 
It is  my daughter's first child  and she and  her husband  are in their late  40s . Should  I make  the shower for them  as a couple  ? Does  she  not  get a shower  because   someone  else  is  actually  pregnant   with the child ?
Grandma-To-Be 
Dear Grandma-To-Be,
It doesn't matter who who is carrying the child . Any new  mother is entitled  to a baby shower  if someone wants  to host one . Of course  , it is better  if  the shower  is  given by friends  and not immediate  family ,  but  these days  few people  pay attention  to those rules . Couple  showers  have  become  more  popular  since  both Mom and Dad (presumable) are raising  the child . Whether  you do that  or  not is entirely  your  choice .  Congratulations .
Maxy 

Dear Maxy,
I am married  to one of  four  siblings who dutifully  took care  of their  aged  parents  until their  mother  died  a few  years  ago . Daddy , in his  mid-80s  , met a bevy  of women at his upscale  care  facility  and proposed  marriage to one of them  within two weeks  . She  turned  him down  , but  a mutual friend  accepted   and she secretly  married  Daddy  shortly thereafter . 
The woman  has  two  children  , both in professional  jobs , one of  whom is  an attorney .At first we like the stepmother  , laughed  a bit  and everyone got  along  well . But  18 months  later  later  , Daddy died  and we discovered  that he  had  drafted  a document  leaving  his estate  to her worth almost a million dollars  to her  . Now  the stepmother  will not  answer  any of  our  calls  and  hangs  up if  we managed  to  get through . We certainly  feel slighted , but this woman  is our legal stepmother   and we would  , with civility , like to make our case  to her  to use  some  of that money  to help with our  children's tuition . How do we addressed her ?
Bombed 
Dear Bombed ,
Oh my . I'm certain  the readers  will come  up with many names  you  can call her , none  of  which is  printable . Your  80-something  father-in-law  sighed  over  his estate  to a woman  he  barely  knew  , they married  in secret   and it  lasted  a short  time . This entire  situation  sounds  fishy .  You need  a lawyer . Now .
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
One of  my male friends  has asked me  on numerous occasions  to hook him up  with one  of  my female friends . I told  him I don't  think any of  my  girlfriends  would  like him . Nevertheless, he insists . Mind  you , one of my girlfriends has  already meet  him at a party , and  has  confirmed  her  disinterest. What  more  can I say to him ?
Cannot  Take No  For  An Answer 
Dear Cannot Take  No  For  An   Answer,
Rejection is hard to accept , no matter  who you are . This friend of  yours  probably thinks  that because  you are the go between , that he stands  a greater chance  of  getting  a date through you . You need to squash that .Tell him  that you asked  your girlfriends  if they would  like to go  out with him  and they declined . That is very  specific  and definitive.
Further  , as a  friend , talk to him  about the way  he approaches  women . If you already  have a sense  of why he turns off all your  friends  and you think  you can share that with him , do so . He  may not realize  that he  has offensive  behaviors . The  greatest gift  you may be able  to give  him is a clear  sense of how  he is perceived .
Maxy

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy,
My sister-in-law  always  makes  comments  about  what I am eating . I keep myself  trim and am  careful  about  what I eat , but  I don't deny myself . Last week , we went  to lunch at a favorite place  and  I ordered  a cheeseburger  and fries . It is  a lovely restaurant   and  the  serving  is large . I always  take  half  of  my meal  home, as it is  too much  for  me  to eat at one  time . My sister-in-law  said , "If  they put   something  like  that in front of  me, I would  get sick  to my stomach immediately ."
I have put  up with her comments  for  many years , but  that one upset me , especially  since  she said it while  we were eating  . Afterward , I wrote  her a note  stating  that I am a widow  and  those  lunches  are  my biggest  meals  of the day , she  has  a husband  and , of  course , fixes  their  largest meal in the evening . She  no longer  speaks  to me . Was  I wrong , or was she ? 
Sister-in-Law 
Dear Sister-in-Law,
I  think you both are too sensitive  about  inconsequential matters . Perhaps  your  sister-in-law  is  jealous  that you can eat whatever  you like  and she cannot  do the same . Perhaps  there  are other things  about her that annoy  you , and this was simply the last straw  ... or  vice  versa. 
I  think  a good relationship  with a sister-in-law  should  be  preserved . Please apologize to her  and say you are sorry  things  became  so bitter  and  you'd like  another  chance . Then invite  her  to  go someplace  with you ... but perhaps  not  to a restaurant .
Maxy

Dear Maxy,
For the past  20 years , my husband  and I  have  gotten together  with several other  couples  for one weekend a year  to relax , play golf  and share stories  about  our  grandkids . We rent  a vacation  house  and the  few of  us  who live  close  to one another plan a fun game  for the group  to play on one of the  evenings . We recently  held  our  retreat . On game  night , we planned  a  gourmet  dinner  with cocktails , followed  by the  meal ,  followed  by games  . One  member of  our group  noticed  a couple  from a house  next door   sitting  on their  porch , so he invited  them to  join us  for  drinks  . As we was introducing  ourselves , this same friend invited  the  couple  to stay for  dinner . After  dessert , when we was ready to play  games , this friend  and  his wife  left us  to go next door  to have  a drink . We waited  more than  an hour  for them to return . Do you think this  is  appropriate  ?
Old  School 
Dear Old  School ,
No . If  your  friends  knew  that other  activities  had  been planned  for that evening , they should  have postponed  the trip to the  neighbors' place  for  when they had  unscheduled  time . This weekend  had  been reserved  for  your  group . However ,  it also  indicates  that this  particular  friend  was not was not  terribly interested  in the  group  game (or even  the group company) and wanted  to go elsewhere  . After  20 years , it is  not  a negative  reflection  on anyone  that things  might  need  a  new  coat of  paint .
Maxy 

Dear  Maxy,
It's  a new year , and I know it's probably  sounds  corny , but  I really want to be  a better person  this  year . I feel like  I usually  spend all  of  my time  focused  on my  work . For the  past few  years ,  have hardly made a second  to see or  talk to friends . I have been trying to make sure  that I was  doing  everything  right  for for  my career . It has  paid  off , as I  I  have risen in my  company . But  I am lonely . I want  to have  meaningful  friendships .  I do have  friends , but  I have  neglected  them for  so long that I'm not  sure  how  to get close close  to them again .  What do you  recommend ?
Friendless
Dear Friendless,
Chances  are , the  people  you think are  your  true friends  probably  miss  you as  much as  you miss them . Since it  has  not  been  your  practice to make  time  for them , before  you  pick up the  phone , take  a look at  your  calendar . Pick one day a week that you  can dedicate  to personal matters  and  mark it . Then reach out  to the  people  who matter in  your  life . Send  emails  or  call .  Do  your  best  to schedule "dates"  with them  so that you can reintroduce  your  friendship   as  a priority . You may also want to add a fun activity  so that  you are  not  relying on  other  people  to expand  your  repertoire  of  ways   to  expand   your  experiences .
Maxy  

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy , 

I have been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for the past two years . We decided to stay together even though I was going off to law school . Well, I have made many friends here and I have found myself interested in getting to know one of my classmates better . Both of the women are amazing , but I do not want to give up a five year relationship for what may be a passing fancy . What do you think ?
Out of Sight , Out of Mind
Dear Out of  Sight , Out  of  Mind ,
One  of  the toughest relationships is to have  is of the  young long-distance  variety . It's  natural  that you will meet interesting  people . Occasionally , that interest is  piqued very intensely . When  your  significant other  miles away . The temptation can seem insurountable . This  is when I recommend  that you  do a self-assessment . What is the commitment  you have  made  to your  girlfriend  ? Do you still  want  to maintain  that bond ? Be  brutally  honest with yourself .
Maxy

Dear Maxy,
A group of  friends  has invited  me to hang out  with them on New Year's Eve . They plan to go to Times Square  and hang out  while  the ball  drops . I like them , but I hate that idea . I used  to party  around New Year's  and I went to Times Square   a few  times in my 20s . This will be  my friends' first time  in the city  and I know  how  much this will mean to them if I take them to see the  ball drop . I like  the idea of  being along  and thinking  about my life . I am afraid  to tell them I may not  go with them . They  may call me  corny  or  even a party pooper . How  should  I address  this ?
No Times Square  for Me 
Dear No Times  Square  for  Me,

Typically , tourists are  the people  who flock to Times  Square  on New Years' Eve . Yes , it  can be exciting  . But  as  you know , it is  extremely  crowded , usually cold  and super intense . You do not  have to joined  your friends  in Times' Square  on New Years' Eve . I recommended  that you manage their expectations  by letting them know up front  what your  plans  are as  you talk to them  about  theirs . Be  honest  about  your  intentions  for  bringing  in 2015 .

Many people , by the way , make  the choice  to be reflective  and still  as  one  year transitions into  the  next .
You do not  need  to apologize about  that . Instead  , be willing  to help  them find  out  details  about the  Times Square  festivities . You may even want to take them there  and show  them the  subway stops  aand  the lay of  the  land in general  and leave . You can be a good  host  without  participating  in every activity  with them . If  you would like , you may want  to invite  them to join  you for  a toast  and a meal  before  they head  out .
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I am signed  up  to go  to a lovely luncheon  with an exclusive  group  of  women in my town . I  have  been looking  forward to this  for weeks . I cannot  go now , though , because I have come  down with a GI problem . I need  to tell  the organizers  that I will be  unable to  attend . If  possible , I would  like  to get my  money back  as well . But  most of  all , I want  to back out  gracefully . How do I do that without  telling  them the details  of  my illness ?
Cannot  Go 
Dear Cannot  Go,
If  you have enough time , write  a note  to the organizers  saying  how  much  you have  been  looking  forward  to this  luncheon  but  unfortunately  you cannot  attend  because  you are  under the weather . You do  not need  to go into details  about  what's wrong . You can express  your  hope  that they  are  able  to sell your ticket  to someone else  and ask if  you could  be  reimbursed.
Maxy

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy,
I am a 23-year-old man . I served in the army  and deployed  to Afghanistan. I was  medically discharged for PTSD about  two  years  ago . 
I'm currently going  to school to be  a firefighter but  I'm afraid  I've picked  this  field  not  because it  interests me but  because I cannot  go  back into the  military .
I'm working  in an  office  now and  I hate  my  job . Before this, I worked  at a  department store  and as  a machinist . But Maxy,
I can't see myself  anywhere  but  with the  military . What should I do ? 
Lost Soldier 
Dear Lost,
Those  who have been  in the  military  sometimes  have difficulty accepting  a job that is less exciting  or  challenging  . The  intensity   of the military experience  and  the bonding  with one's fellow  soldiers  can make everything  else pale in comparison . For some, it takes  a great deal of time  to readjust . Check out  military.com  for other  job opportunities for  veterans and also Career One Stop ( careeronestop.org ) at 1-877-345-0502 . Military OneSource offers  suggestions  and website links for  transitioning military members that might also be  helpful  for  you  ( militaryonesource.mil/transition  ).
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I have  been a widower  for  almost three  years . For the  past six months, I've been seeing a nice lady for a friendly relationship . She  also lost her spouse  several years  ago .
My lady friend  and  I have dined  out  a few  times and she  has questioned  why  I still wear  my wedding  ring . Maxy,  my wife was  my only  love . We were  together  more than 60 years . I will never  love  anyone  like that again . 
Is it  right  for me to wear  my wedding  ring ? Or if I am seeing someone, should  I put it away ? My friend says she's uncomfortable  when I  have it on . I care  about this woman, so please  tell me  what I should  do ?
Widower 
Dear Widower,
You actually have two issues; How long should  you wear  your wedding  ring once  you have  began  dating again....and is  a casual  girlfriend of  six months entitled  to tell  you to  remove it?
Wearing  your  wedding ring  gives  the impression  that you are still  connected   to your  first wife  and not ready to move on .
Nonetheless, wearing it  is  your decision, not  your  girlfriend's . Widows  often remove a wedding band  and wear it on their  other hand  or  have it  refashioned into a necklace  or  other piece  of  jewelry, allowing them  to continue  wearing it in a less  prominent  location .  You  might  consider  this   when  you are ready . Your strong feelings toward your wife would indicate you are not ready to move forward just yet.
Maxy

Dear  Maxy ,
I worked  on a project that required  my lawyers  services  . The  payoff  was  supposed  to be significant, but in the end  I'm the one that spent  money  while  the whole  deal went south . I am bummed  about  the death of  the project, but I am also out  a few  housand  dollars  .... which I don't  have  ... because I  have to pay  for  legal  services . I'm not  sure  what to  do . I simply do not  have the  money I owe  him  . I  have  been ducking  him  for the past couple  of  months but  I don't like that feeling . How can I handle  this  situation  with my  lawyer  when I realistically do not  have the  money  I owe  him ? 
Face  the  Music
Dear  Face  the  Music ,
Start  by reviewing  your  finances . Figure  out what  you can pay  your  attorney . While  you may not  have  the  full amount, chances  are  he will appreciate  a  good faith effort  to pay  his fees . Determine  what you can pay on a  monthly  basis  and then ask  him  if  he will accept  that payment  plan . Apologize  for not having  the full amount  up front . Remind  him you had  every belief  that the  deal  he was brokering  for  you  was  going  to come to  fruition. Since  it  did not, you are  low  on cash . Assure him  that  if  you come  into greater resources,  you will up  his  monthly  installment .
Maxy

Ask Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I am the middle sister of  three . My mother has  always  favored my younger sister  , "Louise" despite  periods  of seriously bad  behavior . Mom has bailed Louise  out of  numerous  poor financial decisions  . She also takes her  and her son  on cruises  and buys  them expensive presents .
I recently found  our  Mom is giving  Louise a monthly  allowance  . This  is creating  some resentment . I feel I'm being  punished  for working hard  and making  better choices . Mom says  she will make it up to me  when she passes  , but I doubt  there will be much left  at the rate Louise is  bilking her .
I make an effort to include my mother  in everything with my  family , but Louise only spends  time with Mom when she being treated to a shopping  spree . My older sister  is in desperate  need of  assistance  , and I want to ask my Mom to match what she  gives  to Louise . Am I being fair or  greedy ? I am hurt  and confused  about what to do ?
Distressed  daughter .
Dear Distressed Daughter ,
This has  nothing to do  with fairness . Your  mother is  playing  favorites  and your resentment  is  perfectly  understandable .
Nonetheless , it's Mom's money . She is not obligated  to give any of her adult children an allowance  and if she wants to give  everything to Louise  , that is her  choice . If it alienates  her from her older  daughter , that is the sad consequence.
Maxy

Dear Maxy ,
I have become  friendly with a woman  in my building who really has a good heart , but she is rough around the edges . She is  so incredibly  loud when she talks  that I can hear  her way before  she gets to my door . She  just talks at a super-high level . I feel  like I almost  need earplugs to be around  her . I am not sure what I can do about it  . I can tell she doesn't  realize  she is so loud . She didn't  grow  up  with a family full of  kids  or anything . Who knows  what's  up with her , but I can't take it  . I have never said anything  before about  her tone of voice  , but I'm afraid  that if I don't  say anything , I will just have to avoid her .
My Head Hurts
Dear My Head Hurts ,
It is not  rude for you  to tell your friend  that she is talking to loud  . Consider it  self-preservation . Be direct with her  . Ask her to lower her  voice  . Explain that you  have  noticed  that especially  when she gets  excited  about  something  she raises  her  voice  and sometimes  it's  just too loud . Ask her  for  permission  for you  to give  her a  signal  to lower  her  voice  . For example , you  can literally  use your  hand  to show  her that  you would like her  to  bring the volume down .
If she agrees  , know that it will take a while  for her to be able  to honor  your  request . If she has  been talking  loudly   for  years  , that is  her natural volume . You may also suggest  that she  have a hearing test . Sometimes  people  speak loudly  when they have  compromised  hearing .
Maxy

Dear  Maxy ,
I just got  a big  check  for a job I did  a few months  back  and I was so excited  to get some money  that I went out  and spent it all . I feel like such an idiot  . But I  had gone so long  being broke  that I wanted to treat  myself . The treats  just seem to  grow and  grow  and get out of  hand .
Now I am back at square one  with all kinds of  bills to pay  and no money to pay it . I do have a couple of  checks  that I'm waiting for  , but I realize  that I have  created a terrible pattern  . I have done this before  , I'm not  proud of  myself  , but I know what I do .
How can I stop this  cycle  of binge spending  and then being  broke ?
Throwing in the Towel
Dear Throwing in the Towel ,
You need help , immediately . Many people with financial challenges  such as  yours  get help  for  free  from Debtors Anonymous  , ( debtorsanonymous.org ) Through this   program  , you can learn  what your triggers are  and discover  ways  to resist  the temptation  to fall into your own traps . You have proven to yourself  that you  cannot handle  your finances  on your own . Remember that  and get the support you need . Essentially  , you are dealing with a type of addiction . Because it  has  to do with  something you need  in your  life , it is something  you cannot walk away from . Instead  , you must learn to manage  your  behavior . It would  be wise  for you to get  a compassionate  financial advisor  who can help you  negotiate  with creditors  , develop strategies  to pay down  your  debt  and otherwise  help you  get set on  a path to making  healthier  choices  about how  you live  and spend . You can  get free advice  from the  IRS , your  local  unemployment office  and  your local community  center .
Maxy