Kids Say The Darndest Things 'Free For All'

Have you every wondered what kids think about what their parents do for a living ... especially their fathers ... here are a few cute ones straight out the mouths of babes .

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*** What do your father do ?

Washes rags .

*** Is that a good business ?

Well we know who has the dirtiest rags in town . But I'm not supposed to tell .

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My daddy spreads joy.

*** To whom ?

To anyone that can pay for it .

*** I don't understand what kind of job he has .

He's a bartender .

*** I'll bet someone put you up to this .

My mother . She's always joking and drinking beer .

***( And there the joke turned on dear old mom).

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My father a school teacher .

*** That's a fine profession . Does he like it .

He only have one thing to complain about .

*** What's thast ?

The kids .

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My dad's a professor of English at a college .

*** What does he think of the students ?

Well , he tell me the best student in his class ia a beautiful blonde girl with blue eyes and a tight sweater .

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My father's a nurseryman and raises flowers. *** What sort ?

Algerians .

*** Algerians ? I repeated foggily .

Yes . Red ones , white ones and pink ones .

*** Don't you mean geraniums ? I corrected her .

Yes . Algerians .

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My father's a physigist . It's something with electrons .

*** How do they work ? Do you know ?

Well , it's like two coke bottles with stuff inside them so that when it comes out and goes across between them , all of a sudden there's nothing .

*** Oh . That must be interesting work . And how about your mother ?

She's the Dean of Women at the college .

*** Is that a difficult job ?

She just goes to faculty luncheons .

*** Whith all this brain power in your family tree , what profession will you follow ?

A plumber .

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My father's an electronics scientist.

*** Would you like to explaain futher ?

Well , I have to be careful of my pronunciation . He's a thinker .

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*** So your Dad's a minister . Is he a good minister ?

He mush be a pretty smooth talker .

*** Why ?

Because on Sundays almost everybody goes to sleep but me and mother .

*** Doesn't that make your dad mad ?

Not nearly as mad as the collections . He gets two offering and the trouble is he's got a cheap congregation and most of them put in pennies .

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*** What's your name ?

Rudigore Sitka .

*** With that kind of name , what kind of blood do you have in you ?

Red .

I mean where did your mother and father come from ?

Well , on my mother and father's side there a little Chicken-slovakian , some Jugosolavian , some French , a small hunk of Jewish and English and Scotch and I think there is one drop of Cherokee Indian .

Kids Say The Darndest Things 'Free For All'

Have you ever wondered what Parents , teachers tell kids not to say or do in public ... well , get a load of the sweet gems .

*** Do you have any instructions from anyone today ? Here are a few choice samples .

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My mother told me to pay no attention to all the crazy things my dad told me .

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My mother told me to be sure not to tell what the neighbors are saying about us .

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My mother told me to be sure to show you my new pink pants that tinkle .(They had bells)

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My dad told me just one thing ; to keep my pants up . (five year old boy).

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My mother told me to keep my legs together . (five year old girl).

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My mother told me not to say that the last thing she said was to go to the toliet before I went on the program .

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Nobody told me anything . My dad was late for work and was gulping down his breakfast . My mother was washing her hair . Grandmother had a stomach-ache . Everybody was too busy to tell me anything .

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*** Sometimes the parental instructions are a bit more involved . Here are some typical samples .

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*** What did your mother tell you not to say ?

She told me not to tell that she works on a coach.

*** What kind of work does she do on a couch ?

She cleans them , so I don't know what is wrong with that .

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*** Did your parents give you any instructions ?

My mother said to be funny and my dad told me to order an expensive steak.

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My mother told me to be sure not to act off today .

*** What do you mean "act off?"

That means not to tell any bad jokes .

*** I wouldn't think you knew any bad jokes .

Sure , I know lots of them . My brother tells them to me , like the one , "Help ! I can't swim !" "Why ?" "I'm not in the water !"

Kids Say The Darndest Things 'Free For All'

Little Jacob had a hard time getting use to a new baby in the house. Coming out of his bedroom talking rather loud and being told to be quiet, the baby is asleep, he very seriously said, "Well ya'll better be quiet, cause my foot`s asleep."

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One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

~~~~~

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.

At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.

As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?"

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An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!

Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

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A new neighbor asked the little girl next door if she had any brothers and sisters. She replied, "No, I'm the lonely child."***************I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

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While her mother was studying the chapter on hematology for her nursing class, four-year-old Danielle asked what she was reading. Her mother said she was learning about blood and she explained how the heart pumps blood all the way through the body. Then she taught Danielle to feel her pulse in her wrists and feet.

Danielle wandered away and her mother noticed her looking at the soles of her feet. Then Danielle twisted and turned and pulled down the top of her shorts to look at her bottom. She stretched her arms all the way around and managed to feel her back. Her mother didn't pay any attention until Danielle came back and asked, "Where do we put the batteries?"

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The child was a typical four-year-old girl -- cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.

"Now do you understand?" he asked.

"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"*********A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found!" the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

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My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he replied.

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A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them.

"Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?"

Joe answered the correct airline.

"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?"

Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.

"Now John, Tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?"

And John answered, "Mom."

Kids Say The Darndest Things 'Bombshells Away'

In the field of comedy , Bob Hope's most precious possessions are called "one liners." They're terse , pithy sentences that can get the build up and punch line condensed into one devastating srntence . Children , by their very directness , are master's of the "one-line" delivery .

Here's a choice collections of " BOMBS."

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*** did you see santa this year ?

See him ? I fixed him a bourbon and water .

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*** If you could change school any way you wished , how would you fix it ?

Burn it down .

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*** What's your best subject in school ?

Recess

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*** What are muscles ?

Sick meatballs .

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*** Have any brothers ?

I have two .

*** What ages ?

Ricky's two months , and David's nine months .

*** That's a pretty fast production record ... do you want a sister ?

Yes .

*** What does your mother say ?

She says , "Oh . puh-leeze no !"

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*** Who does your baby sister look like ?

"My mother .

*** Add your older sister ?

"My father ."

*** And you ?

"The mailman ."

How so ?

" That what my mother is always telling the neighbors .

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*** Do you have any pets ?

A cat .

*** What's his name ?

We're going to change it because he's a boy cat and next week he's going to have an operation to become an "it."

*** What will you call him then ?

Christine . If he doesn't like that , we will call him Sam Spade .

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*** What do you think you'll be when you grow up ?

According to my mother , I'll be a lawyer , probably .

*** What makes you think so ?

Well my mother says I talk so much all the time I might as well get paid for it .

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*** What do you want to be when you grow up ?

Nothing , because I don't want to grow up .

*** That's unusual . How come ?

Because of all the bills you have to pay at the end of the month .

Kids Say The Darndest Things ' Ain't Kids Wonderful'

*** What would you like to do best ?
Fly kites . I have a secret invention , where instead of using one long tail , I use a third  string which runs over  and connects with the second  one that's connected  with the tail and it loops over the first string and secret one .
*** Well. don't let anyone know .
No grown-ups anyway  , after 21 adults gets dumb .

*** How old are you ?
Six .
*** Any hobbies ?
I like to drive cars .
*** Do you ever drive ?
I don't yet because of one trouble .
*** What's that ?
My Mother won't give me the keys .

*** What do you want to be ?
A carpet layer doing the  week and a preacher on Sundays .
*** Why ?
My dad is a carpet layer  and my mother wants me to go to heaven .

*** What's your name ?
Alex Tontainbleu .
*** What kind of name is that ?
French .
*** What's your father ?
Part Scotch , part English and Irish .
What's your mother ?
Swedish .
*** What does that make you ?
I'm Spanish .

*** How old are you ?
Four .
*** What do you want to be ?
I don't want to be anything .
*** Don't you want to get married ?
Yes
*** How'll you get the money ?
My wife can work .
*** What if she won't ?
I'll send for my mother .

*** Do you have any hobbies ?
Yes , collecting brothers .
*** How many have you ?
Only one , so far, but I'm looking for another one any day now .
*** Oh , your mother is expecting .
No , my brother is expecting . He got married last month .

*** What is your idea of the definition of a gentleman  from the viewpoint of a kid ?
1 ) A man who cleans up after himself in the bathroom .
2) A man who's always nice to his wife and hardly ever hit her .
3) A man who always pick you a handkerchief that's dropped except by another man .
4) A man who always kisses his wife  just before he leaves for work .

*** What's your defination of maturity ?
It's when you come to a dead in .

*** What are some of the saying that ten-year-old are using around school these days ?
1)  "Go, man go !"
2)"He's a cube ." (That means dope ).
3) "She's 3-D" (Dizzy , dopey  and dumb ).
4)  "Jet propelled muscle juice .
*** What's that ?
Milk .

*** What makes a man bald ?
They eat too much ... it fills them up so much that it pushes the hair right through the top .

Kids Say The Darndest Things 'Free For All'

A

Maxy would like to share with you some of the funny things he heard kids say this past week ...

*** A tiny Sunday school pupil who had listened wide-eyed to the teacher talking about a Bible lesson that included the quotation about "from dust thou art and to dust thou shalt return." Rushing home from the meeting , he peeked under his bed and then went running to his mother .

"Mama is it true we're dust before we're born ?"

*** "Of course ," Mother replaied in a puzzled tone . "Why."

"Well come up and look under my bed , quick! Somebody's either coming or going !"

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*** A little boy was atanding on the sidewalk watching the milkman's horse intently . When the driver finally returned from his errands , the youngster inquired ;

"Do you have much farther to go today ?" "Well you ain't going far ," the boy announced . "Your horse just lost all his gasoline."

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A six-year old girl recieved a wrist watch and a bottle of perfume for her birthday . All day long she kept showing everyone her presents , until finally her mother said ;

*** Honey , I know that you are proud of your gifts , but you're bothering everybody with them . You may sit at the dinner table with your guests tonight only if you promise not to mention the watch or perfume even once ."

*** The little girl promised. All through dinner she sat wordless , but from time to time sniffing audibly , and at frequent intervals raising her left wrist to her ear to catch the sound of the ticking . Nobobdy paid her any attention . Finally in desperation , as the meal came to a end , she blunted out ;

"I'm not supposed to mention it , but if anybody hears anything , or smells anything , it's me ."

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*** Little Ruthie ran into the house in a feverish state of excitement .

"Oh mother!" she cried , "our pussy-cat has got some kittens and I didn't even know she was married ."

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*** Did you take a Bath last night ?

"Nope."

*** Why not ?

"Because I'm saving the soap for my dad. He's the dirty one in our family."

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*** How are you going to be a better boy during the coming year ?

"Obey everyone in my family except my Aunt Freda .

*** Why not her ?

" cause she just causes trouble and starts fights .

*** How old is she ?

"Eight."

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"My dad's a lawyer."

*** Does he put people in jail ?

" No , he's on the innocent side ."

**8 I suppose you want to be a lawyer .

"No , a cop , so I can put my daddy in jail."

*** Why would you do a thing like that ?

"He spanked me last night ."

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"My dad's as busy as a beaver .

*** That's an interesting figure of speech .Do you what that means ?

"Well , you know how beavers are always cutting down trees with there teeth ..."

*** Is that what your Daddy does ?

"Oh , he's not really a beaver . Besides , he has false teeth .

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*** So , your dad's a fireman . Does he tell you any interesting stories ?

"The most excitement is right at the fire station .

*** What happened there ?

"A fireman heard the bell , jumped out the bed , pullrd on his pants , slid down the pole upside down , and knocked himself out when he hit the bottom ."

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"My mom told me not to tell any of the family secrets , like the time she dyed her hair blonde and it came out purple .

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"My momma said to keep her condition a big secret . And the funny thing is , I don't even know what a secret is . She just keep getting fatter and fatter every week ."

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My Daddy told me not to raise my eyebrows , not to laugh to loud , and no matter where it itches , don't scatch anywhere !"

Kids Say The Darndest Things 'Kids: They're Wonderful'

If you need further convincing that 'Kids are Wonderful',' run your eyes over this selection of random comments from the brains of everyday boys and giels , just like those who may be living next door to you ... or right in your home :
***"I notice you have a tooth out . How do you think the new tooth knows when to start in ?"
"It was the last one out so it ought to be the first one in."
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Santa Claus has twelve reindeers , but he only uses about ten in the air .
*** Only twn ? What happens to the others?
They're spares .
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I'm the bravest boy on our block .
*** How do you know ?
I can kill bees with my bare fingers .
*** My , that is very brave . How do you do that ?
I sneak up behind them when they are on a flower and squeeze them .
*** With that kind of nerve , what do you think you will be when you grow up ?
"A bartender," said the boy with the widest grin .
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*** Do you have any real problems in life ?
When I go to a school dance somebody else always gets the pretty girls , and I'm left with the dregs.
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*** What did you have for breakfast ?
Eggs .
*** How do you like them ?
With the yellow in them .
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*** You're a club scout aren't you ?
Yes . Out motto is "Be Prepared."
*** What would yu do if you was lost in the forest ?
The thing to do is make a signal fire .
*** How do you do that ?You get tinder and flint and rocks and wood .
*** Have you actually tried this ?
Certainly . I've been away out in the mountains .
*** My what a good scout you are . After you got everything together , what happened ?
Nothing .
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I'm from Texas , the most wonderful place in the world .
*** What do you miss most about it ?
The snakes and the sandstorms .
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*** Who's the prettiest woman in the word in your opinion ?
My teacher . Right out there in the audience .
*** Well that takes care of your grades for the year . But what about your mother ?
Oh , she's okay I guess , except she runs around the house in her nightgown all day .
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I got a new boyfriend (bragged the pretty little girl )
*** How do you know he's really your boyfriend ?
I know because yesterday he told me to shut up and go home .
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I have one little sister named Judy and we have a baby in escrow.
*** In escrow ? Who told you that ?
All I know is my daddy said so .
*** What is escrow ? Do you have any idea ?
Well my daddy says anything that's in escrow , it seems like it's never going to come out .
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My sister just had a baby but they didn't tell whether it's a boy or girl , so I don't know whether I am an aunt or an uncle .
*** How are you doing in school
I'm first in English .
I'm first in History .
I'm first in the street when the bell rings .

Kids Say The Darndest Things 'Free for All'

Kids are the best comedians and it's free to enjoy , join us and enjoy wth us .

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Marjorie , age four , marched into the grocer's to tell the news . "We've got a new baby brother up at our house ," she said .

*** "You don't tell me !" said the grocer . "Is he going to stay with you ?"

"I guess so ," said Marjorie . "He's got his things off ."

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Little Ruthie ran into the house in a feverish state of excitement .

"Oh, mother !" she cried . "Our pussy-cat has got some kittens and I didn't even kn ow she was married ."

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Little Johnny came running into the house stuttering in his excitement .

"Mommy," he panted , "Do you know Eddie Smith's neck ?"

*** "Do I know what ?" asked the mother .

"Do you know Eddie Smith's neck ?" the boy repeated .

*** "Well , I know Eddie Smith ," answered the puzzled parent , "So I suppose I know his neck. Why?"

"Well ," said Johnny , "he just fell into the pool up to it ."

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*** "Well, said the friendly neighbor , "I hear you've got a little baby brother at your house . What do you think of him ?"

"I don't like him ," said Sally frankly , "He's got a funny red face abd he cries all the time ."

*** "Why don't you send him back where he came from ?"

"Oh, I'm afraid we couldn't do that . We've used him two days already ."

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A small boy came home from his first day of Sunday School and began to empty his pockets of money ... nickels , dimes , quarters ... while his parents gasped in surprise .

*** Finally his mother said , "Where did you get all that money ?"

"At Sunday School ," the boy replied the boy nonchalantly . They have bowls of it ."

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*** Two little girls tiptoed into the living room and over to the sofa where their daddy was stretched out for a post-supper nap . Wanting to know if he was really asleep or just pretending to be , the girls whispered and giggled as they stealthily approac hed . Finally one of the darted forward , seized an eyelid between two little fingers and lifting it up , leaned forward and stared at what was underneath . Then , signing in satisfaction , she murmured , "Well , anyhow ha's still in there ."

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*** Bringing home the report card is another great indoor game in American homes ,The object is to see how well a bad report card can be presented and how little penalty can be suffered for a bad mark .

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*** One duffer got an "A" .

"Hey , dad , you're sure a lucky parent ."

*** "How's that ."

You don't have to buy me a lot of new school books this next year . I'll still be in the same class . Ain't that swell ?"

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*** The little four year old cried bitterly when a large friendly dog bounded up to him and licked his hands and face . "Wht is it darling ? cried the mother . "Did he bite you ?"

"No ," came the reply . "But he tasted me ."

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*** "Go ahead and eat it ," his mother ordered .

"Eat it !" the boy drew bac k in amazement . "It ain't dead yet."

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*** The little girl was making out a list of things she wanted for her birthday , when her mother inquired what she wanted more than anything else .

" A baby brother."

*** "But honey ," her mother tried to explain , " you see your daddy and I would like to give you a little baby brother , but there isn't enough time before your birthday ."

"Why don't you do like they do down at Daddy's factory when they want something in a hurry ? Put more men on the job."

Kids Say The Darndest Things 'My Pet Stories'

Kids love to talk about their pets and with characteristic freedom, they weave many a fanciful tale of improbable going on ... If they don't have a pet , they blithely make one up ... lets take a look at a few .

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*** One young man gravely assured me he had a pet . "A Horse." Where does he lived ?

"He sleeps with me ."

*** "In the bedroom ?"

"Of course !"

*** What does he do when you go to school ?

"He gives free rides to my brother ."

*** He couldn't be stumped . Who knows ? Maybe he does sleep with a horse .

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*** The subject of pedigrees is usually a challenging puzzler for kids . They usually don't know what a pedigree is ... their imagination runs wild .

*** You have any brothers or sisters ?

"One brother , but he is a cat ."

*** What's his name ?

"Socrates ."

*** "Does he have a pedigree ?"

"No , it died last year ."

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*** " You have a pet dog , is it pedigreed ?"

I think she lost her pegigree last week , my dad said she was in heat .

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One Boy said , I used to have a cat name Susie Q.

*** What happen to her /

It's a him .

*** A him named Susie Q/ Well , anyway what happened to him ?

He was chasing a mouse and he ran into a tree and was so ashamed he ran away .

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*** Have you any pets ?

No.

*** Ever have any ?

No .

*** Want any ?

No .

*** Why not ?

Because they make you scratch .

*** How do you know if you never had a pet ?

Because I had a friend who had a dog , and he gave the brother fleas , the daddy got fleas , the mother fleas , and so then the baby got fleas and now they all just sit around scratching .

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*** Every boy should own his own dog . Don't you agree ?

I do . But my dad don't .

*** What does your dad think ?

He doesn't think , he knows . Because we have a dog that bites .

*** What does he bite ?

Mouses , cats , newspapers and sometime Daddy .

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*** What do you like best ?

Collect pets and boyfriends .

*** How many do you have ?

Five .

*** Pets ?

No . Boyfriends .

*** How do you get so many ?

Oh , their families move into the neighborhood and I grab them .

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*** Got a pet ?

I've got a dog .

*** Is that all ?

Yep .

*** Didn't you used to have something else ? Like a turtle ?

Oh . Once we had a turtle . But my brother flushed him down the toliet .

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*** Do you have any pets ?

Yes ... chickens .

*** Have you taught them any tricks ?

Yes .

*** What ?

I taught the rooster to chase the hens .

Kids Say The Darndest Things

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed . She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice.

'Mommy  , will you sleep with me tonight ?'

The mother smiled and gave him a reasurring hug . 'I can't dear ,' she said , 'I have to sleep in daddy's  room.

A long silence was broken at last by his shakty voice  ; 'The big sissy.'

A small boy is sent to bed by his father . Five  minutes  later ... Daad...'

'What ? 'I'm thirsty . Can you bring me a drink of water ?'

'No  . You hadf your chance . Lights out.'

'WHAT? 'I'm  THIRSTY . Can I have a drink of water?

I told you no ! If you ask again , I'll have to spank you !'

Five minutes later ... Daaaa-aaaad...'

'WHAT!'

When you come in to spank me , can you bring me a drink of water ?

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation  of the blood . Trying to make the matter clearer , she said , "Now class , if I stood on my head , the blood , as you know , would run into it  , and I would turn red in the face ..."

"Yes," the class said .

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow in  the back shouted , "cause your feet ain't empty."

A certain little girl , when asked her name , would reply , I'm Mr. Sugarbrowns' daughter ," her mother told her this was wrong , she must say , 'I'm Jane ugarbrown.'

The  Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School and said , 'Aren't you Mr' Sugarbrowns' daughter ?

She replied , 'I thought I was , but  my mother says I'm not.

One day , a third grade teacher decided to do an exercise with her class in the knowledge of proverbs . She presented her students with the first half of the proverbs and asked them to complete the second half. Now, proverbs in itself are nice little bits of wisdom . But you will be surprised to read what these young minds have come up with . Here are the top team . Enjoy !

1)  Don't change horses .... until they stop running .

2)  Strike while  the ... bug is close.

3)  It's  always darkest before ... Daylight Saving Time .

4)  Never  underestimate the power of ... termites.

5)  Laugh and the whole world laughs with you , cry and ... You have to blow your nose.

6)   Don't bite the hand that ... looks dirty .

7)  No news is ... impossible .

8)   You can't teach an  old dog new  ...  Math .

9)   If you lie down with dogs , you'll ... stink in the morning .

10)  An idle mind is ... the best way to relax.

A couple had two little mischievious boys , ages 8 and 10 . They were  always getting into trouble , and their parents knew that if any mischief occured in their town , their sons would get the blame.

The boys mother heard  that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children , so she asked if he would speak with the boys . The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually .

So, the mother sent her 8-year-old  first , in the morning , and the older boy was to see the clergyman in the afternoon .

The clergyman , a huge man with a booming voice , sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly , "Where is God?" 

The boys' mouth dropped open , but he gave no response , sitting there with his mouth hanging open .

The clergyman repeated the question , "Where is God ?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer . So , the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boys' face and bellowed , "Where is God."

The boy screamed and bolted from the room . He ran directly home and dove into the closet , slamming the door behind him .

When his older brother found him in the closet  , he asked , " What happened ?"

The younger brother , gasping for breath , replied .

"This time we are in real BIG trouble !  God is missing and they think we did it ! 

An exasperated mother , whose son was always getting into mischief , finally asked him , "How'd you expect to get in Heaven ?"

The boy thought it over and said , "Well, I'll run in and out  and in and out  and keep slamming the doors until St.Peter says , "Fot Heavens' sake , Dylan come in or stay out ."

A sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus mother name ? One child answered Mary ."

The teacher then asked , "Who knows what Jesus fathers' name was ?

A little girl said "Verge."

Confused the teacher asked , "Where did you get that ?"

The Kid said ,"Well you know they're always talking about the  Verge  n' Mary."

One day a little girl was sitting  and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink . She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of wite hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head .

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked , "Why are some of your hairs white , mom?"

Her mother replied , "Well everytime that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy , one of my hairs turn white ."

The little girl thought about this revelation for awhile and then said , "Momm a , how come  ALL of grandmas' hairs are white .

Kids Say The Darndest Things

 A kindergarten student told his teacher he'd foung a cat , but it was dead ."how you know that the cat was dead ?" she asked her student . "Because I pissed in  its ear and he didn't move," answered the child innocently . "You did  WHAT?!?!?!" the teacher yelled in shock . "You know."  said the boy , "I leaned over and went "Pssst !" and it didn't move ."

A mother and her young son returned fron the grocery store and began putting away the groceries  . The boy open the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table . "What are you doing ?" his mother asked . "The box says not to eat them if the seal was broken" the boy explained . "I'm looking for the seal."

On e day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class . She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer . She read,  ... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said , "The sky is falling , the sky is falling !" The teacher paused then asked the class , "And what do you think the farmer said ?" One little girl raised her hand and said , "I think he said : Holy Shit ! A talking chicken  !"

A mother was preparing pancakes for her son s , Kevin, 5, and Ryan,3 . The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake  . Theie mother saw the opportunity foe a moral lesson . "If Jesus were sitting here  , He would say , 'Let my brother hav e the first pancake , I can wait." Kevin turned to his younger brother  and said , "Ryan , you be Jesus ."

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year=old son ran up to him , grabbed his hand , and lead him to the shore , where a seagull lay dead in the sand . "Daddy , what happen to him ?" the son asked . "He died and went to Heaven ," the dad replied . The boy thought a moment and then said , "Did God throw him back down ?"

When I was six months pregnant with my second child , my  four-year-old came into the room when I was getting ready to get into the shower . She said , Mommy, you are getting fat !" I replied , Yes , honey , remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy ."     "I know she replied  , but what's growing in your butt ?"

Several years ago , I returned home from a trip  just when a storm  hit , with crashing thunder and severe lighting . As I came into the  my bedroom about 2:a.m. , I found my two children in bed with my wife  , apparently scared by the loud storm . I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom  that night  . The next day I talked to the children , and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom  when the storm was bad , but  when I am expected home , please don't sleep with Mom that night . They said OK . After my next trip several weeks later , my wife and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time . Since the plane was late , everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my planes arrival , along with hunderds of other folks  waiting for their arriving passengers . As I entered the waiting aera , my son saw me , and came running shouting , "Hi, Dad ! I;ve got some goods news !" As I waved back , I said loudly ,"What's the good news ?" My son shouted very excitedly , "Nobody slept with Mom while you were away this time !"

A physician and her four-year-old daughter  were in the car on the way to preschool . The doctor/mother had left her stethoscope on  the car seat , and the little girl picked it up and began playing with it  . "Be still , my heart," thought the mother , "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps !" Then the girl spoke into the instrument "Welcome to McDonalds . May I take your order ?"

A father was reading the Bible to his young son . He read   , "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out out of the city , but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked , "What happen to the flea ?"

Teacher : George Washington not only chopped down his fathers' cherry tree , but also admitted it . Now, Louis , do you kn ow why his father didn't punish him?

Louis : Because George still had the ax in his hand.

Teacher : Clyde , your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brothers' . Did you copy his ?

Clyde : No , teacher , it's the same dog .

Teacher : Harold , what do you call a person who keeps on  talking when people are no longer interested ?

Harold : A teacher.

Teacher : Cindy , why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor ?

Cindy : You told me to do it without using tables !

Teacher : Now , Sam , tell me frankly , do you say prayers before eating ?

Sam: No sir , I don't have to , my Mom is a good cook.

Kids Say The Darndest Things

A little girl asked her mother , "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied , "No , you can't play with the boys , they are too rough." The little girl thought about it a few moments and asked , "If  I can find a smooth one , can I play with him?"

It was the end of the day when a K-9 officer parked his police van in front of the station . While he was gathering his equipment  , his K-9 partner started barking  at a little boy staring into the van  . "Is that a dog you got back there ?" he asked the officer . "It sure is ," the officer replied . Puzzled , the boy looked at him and then towards the dog . Finally the boy said  , "What'd he do ?"

A  Sunday school teacher asked her little children , as they was on the way to church service . "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church ?" One bright little girl replied , "Because people are sleeping ."

A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father as usual . She stands next to the barber chair eating a snack cake ,  while her dad gets his hair cut  . The barber says to her , "Sweetheart , you're gonna get  hair on your Twinkle one of these days ." She says , "Yes I know  , and I'm gonna get boobs too."

A mother was away one weekend at a business conference , During a break , she decided to call home collect . Her six-year-old son picked up the phone  and heard a stranger's voice say , We have a Marcia on the line . Will you accept the charges ?' Frantic , he dropped th phone and ran outside screaming  , "Dad ! dad ! They've got mom !! And they want money !!!"

A wife invited some people to dinner . At the dinner table , she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said ,  "Would you like to say the blessing ?"  "I wouldn't know what to say ," the girl replied  . "Just say what you hear Mommy say ," the wife answered . The little girl bowed her head and said , "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner  ?"

At the beginning of a children sermon , one girl came up to the alter wearin g a beautiful dress . As the children were sitting down around the pastor , he leaned over and said to the girl , "That is a very pretty dress . Is it your  Easter dress ?"  The girl replied almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike  , "Yes , and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron,"

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens . On returning home , he breathlessly informed his mother , "There were  two boy kittens and two girl kittens ." How did you know ?" his mother asked  . "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath ," he replied . "I think it's printed on the bottom ."

A three-year-o;d boy put his shoes on by himself  . His mother notice that the left shoe was on the right foot  . She said , "Son , your shoes are on the wrong feet ." He looked  up at her with a raised brow and said , "don't kid me Mom . They're the only feet I  got."

On the first day of school , about mid-morning , the kindergarten teacher said , " If anyone has to go to the bathroom , hold up two fingers ." A little  voice from the back of the room  asked , "How will that help."

Kids Say The Darndest Things

 

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first graders , using a bowl of lifesavers  , The children began to say  :

              "Red ..........................Cherry"

              "Yellow .....................Lemon"

              "Green.......................Lime"

              "Orange....................Orange "

Finally the teacher gave them all honey lifesavers . After eating them  none ot the children could identify the taste . "Well," she said , "I'll give you all a clue , it's what  your mother sometimes  calls your father ." One little girl looked up in horror , spit her lifesaver out and yelled : "Oh My God !!!! They're assholes .

A little girl was asking her teacher about whales . The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a large mammal its throat was very small . The girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale  . Irritated , the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human ; it was physically impossible  . The little girl said  , "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah ." The teacher asked , "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied , "Then you ask him ."

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing . She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work . As she got to one little girl who was  working diligently , she asked what the drawing was . The girl replied , I'm drawing God ." The teacher paused and said , "But no one knows what God looks like ." Without missing a beat , or looking up from her drawing , the girl replied , "They will in a minute."

the children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch . At the head of the table was a pile of apples . The nun made a note , and posted on the apple tray : "Take only  ONE . God is watching ." moving further along the lunch line  , at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies . A chhild had written a note , "Take all you want , God is watching the apples."

On class photo day , after the children had all been photographed  , the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture . "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up ans say , 'There's Jennifer , she's a lawyer ,'or 'that's Michael , he's a doctor ." A small voice from the back of the room rang out  , "And there 's the teacher , he's dead ."

One Sunday morning , the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a plaque  . It was covered  with names and small American flags mounted on each side of it . The six-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time  , so the pastor walked up , stood beside the little boy , and said quietly . 'Good morning Alex .'  "Good morning pastor,' he replied , still focused on the plaque .'Pastor what is this ?' The pastor said , 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service .' Soberly , they stood together  , staring at the large plaque  . Finally , little Alex's v oice , barely audible and trembling with fear asked , 'Which service , the 8:30 or the 9:45 ?'

Kids Say The Darndest Things

1) Jennifer was watching her mother breast feed her new baby brother , after a while she asked ... Mama why have you got two boobies' ? Is one for hot and one for cold milk ?

2) Melanie asked her Granny how old she was , Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember anymore . Melanie said , "if you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties . Mine say 5 or 6 .

3) Brittany had an earache and wanted a pain killer , she tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle . Seeing the frustration , her mom explained it was a child proof cap and she'd have to open it for her , eyes wide with wonder , Melanie asked : How does it know it's me .

4)Susan was drinking juice when she got the hiccups , "please don't give me this juice again " she said , "it makes my teeth cough."

5) Danni stepped on the bathroom scale and asked his dad "how much do I cost ?

6) Tammy was with her mother when they met an elderly , rather wrinkled woman her mom knew . Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked ,"why doesn't your skin fit your face ?"

7) Mark was engrossed in a young couple who was hugging and kissing in a restaurant , without taking his eyes off them , he asked his dad : Why is he whispering in her mouth ?

8) Charles was in his bedroom looking worried when his mom asked what was troubling him , he replied "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married , how will my wife fit in with me ?