I have a 13-year-old son , I admit that my husband and I are very strict with him about lots of things , including what he watches on TV and what movies he views . I learned that some of his friends routinely get to watch R-rated movies --- either because their parents are lenient or because their parents have given them no restrictions on what they watch on TV. When I learned that , I decided not to let my son go over to heir houses anymore . I want to limit what he sees at least for now . Routinely , when he asks me if he can see a movie that is rated R , I automatically say no . I'm wondering if I should amend that . I don't want him to start ignoring me , even though I do think these other parents are making it harder for me to keep up my standards .
Drawing the line , Jackson Miss.
That said, I'm not saying this invalidates the need for a rating system. The line between R rated and PG-13 rated movies and programs has become very fuzzy. Some PG 13 movies have very intense situations including nudity and violence, while some movies are rated R because of a few cuss words.
A 2-hour movie can’t ruin the years of values, morality and responsibility that you have carefully instilled in your son. Most teenagers know fantasy from reality and right from wrong and can judge what information they should accept; unless there is something fundamentally wrong with the child.
However, he should not be exposed to NC-17 rated material at that age. That rating is for extreme sexual and/or violent situations. Kids under seventeen are not permitted in theaters to watch those productions.
Maxy
Dear Drawing the line,
It is admirable that you care enough to want to protect your son from bad influences. But the truth is, most teens watch R-rated movies at home without their parent's knowledge, or at a friend's house, anyway. Many of the so-called adult situations that make movies R-rated are already being seen on TV, on the internet and in video games by teens: that includes sexual situations, violence, adult language, and drugs. We live in a new age where kids are no longer as naïve as in previous generations. They are inundated with adult situations through mass media and their experiences outside the home, away from your protection. Over-protection will not prepare him for the reality he will live in when he leaves you.
It is admirable that you care enough to want to protect your son from bad influences. But the truth is, most teens watch R-rated movies at home without their parent's knowledge, or at a friend's house, anyway. Many of the so-called adult situations that make movies R-rated are already being seen on TV, on the internet and in video games by teens: that includes sexual situations, violence, adult language, and drugs. We live in a new age where kids are no longer as naïve as in previous generations. They are inundated with adult situations through mass media and their experiences outside the home, away from your protection. Over-protection will not prepare him for the reality he will live in when he leaves you.
A 2-hour movie can’t ruin the years of values, morality and responsibility that you have carefully instilled in your son. Most teenagers know fantasy from reality and right from wrong and can judge what information they should accept; unless there is something fundamentally wrong with the child.
However, he should not be exposed to NC-17 rated material at that age. That rating is for extreme sexual and/or violent situations. Kids under seventeen are not permitted in theaters to watch those productions.
So, what do you do? First of all, lighten up a bit on the strictness and show him you have some faith in him. You need to tell him you trust his judgement and give him a little leeway.
Forbidding him from seeing certain people or going to their homes is going to produce rebellion and isolate him socially.
The best filter is you. Watch the movies yourself, first, (keeping an open mind to the fact that he should be allowed the same privileges as his friends). That way you can judge if he will be comfortable watching them.Forbidding him from seeing certain people or going to their homes is going to produce rebellion and isolate him socially.
Maxy
Dear Maxy ,
I believe in thank-you-notes . I'm having a hard time convincing my children that they are important . When they receive presents from people , I tell them that they should write a note immediately to express their gratitude . Half the time they do nothing . How can I get them to be more responsible ?
Enforcing Good Manners
Dear Enforcing Good Manners ,
While you don't want to run the risk of making good manners seem like a punishment , you may have to insist your children use proper etiquette .
Another approach that may open their eyes is to point out that someone cared enough about them to go out and buy or make them a gift . Ask them how they would feel if they took a lot of time and trouble to find a gift that someone liked and that person never appreciated or even acknowledged it.
If they are more comfortable with a phone call, text, email or Facebook...that works just as well in this age of technology.
Maxy
Dear Maxy ,
I went to an event that was hosted by a woman I met through a professional contact . I thought the event was horrible . It was poorly produced . People came late , primarily because it started too early --- smack in the middle of rush hour . And it seemed really disorganized . Because I came out of respect to my contact , I sat through it , but I was none too happy .
I chalked it up to not-so-great experience until the host cold-called me for feedback . I hedged around my thoughts at first , but she kept asking so I told her . What I said was measured , but I did let her know that I was not particularly pleased , I think I said it in a way that wasn't offensive . I don't tend to volunteer my thoughts , especially if they are questionable , but I actually didn't volunteer . She asked me . She seemed to take it pretty well , too, but I'm second-guessing myself now . Should I just made nice on the phone , or was it right to tell her wht I thought ?
Heads up
Dear Heads up ,
Congratulations on your tactful honesty . I agree that it may not have been your place to say anything, if you were the one to bring it up . After all , you said you do not know this woman . But since she reached out to to you , it must have been for a reason . She, no doubt, respects your opinion. While she may have been looking for affirmation of the success of her event , she got what she probably needed .... honest , constructive feedback that she can use . She, very likely, will take your advice to heart and her next event will be better because of you. There is no need to call to make it up to her in any way but continue to be friendly if you meet again.
Maxy
Dear Maxy ,
I am expecting my first child . My mother is a wonderful , intelligent 68-year-old woman . She is also bipolar and seems incapable of keeping herself physically healthy and her house clean . I know her poor health almost certainly stems from the fact that her living conditions are filthy . She also has a sour smell about her that makes me worry that she is lax about her personal hygiene.
I have tried many times over the years to help her keep her house clean , but inevitable it returns to the state of extreme disarray . The only visible floor is the pathway through piles of junk . The kitchen and bathroom is moldy biohazards . Eventually , I can to the realization that nothing I say or do is going to make her start talking care of herself . I can't afford a caregiver to help her and I'm past the point of trying to make a dent in the perpetual filth myself .
My main problem is that when my baby is born , I know Mom is going to want to spend time with her . I don't feel comfortable allowing my infant child to be exposed to the unhealthy conditions of her house . I am ashamed to say that I also don't feel comfortable placing my baby in the care of a woman who seems incapable of caring for herself . How can I tell my mother , the woman that raised me , how to live? This is a conversation I never wanted to have . Is there anyway I can avoid breaking her heart and embarrassing her ?
Concern daughter and Mom-to-be
Dear concerned Daughter and Mom-to-be,
Hoarding and poor hygiene can frequently accompany mental health disorders, like depression, social anxiety, bipolar disorder, and impulse control problems.
....( http://www.everydayhealth.com/bipolar-disorder/how-bipolar-disorder-can-lead-to-clutter.aspx )
I sympathize, but your child's welfare, will soon become your first priority . This will make it easier for you to talk to your mom . Tell her you love her and understand her level of cleanliness and hygiene is her choice, but it is not appropriate for your child . Explain that visits with the baby will take place only in your home , under your supervision .
She will promise to do better, but that is not a guarantee.
Tell her you hope this will motivate her to seek professional
treatment to make her life healthier and make it better for everyone around her .
Helpful website.... ( http://hoardingcleanup.com/ )
She may be ashamed or embarrassed but if she cares enough about you and her grand-child , she may take stock of her life and hopefully, reach out for help .
Her situation should not, under any circumstances, change the parameters you have set up for the care of your child .
Maxy
Hi Aunty and Genie ,
ReplyDeleteGenie hope you feeling better . Here's your latest questions .
Dear Maxy ,
What is the right age to let girls wear makeup ? I have a daughter in the 5th grade . most of the girls are 10 and 11 years old . They are just beginning to take an interest in beauty . One of the girls has come to school a few times wearing lipstick . It was bright red . I thought it was inappropriate . Obviously , she is not my child , but I am concerned about my daughter getting the wrong impression of what is right . I don't want to speak poorly of this girl . but I want my daughter to be clear on what I think is appropriate . I currently allow her to wear colorless lip gloss and that's it .
Setting the Standards ---Jackson Mississippi
Dear Maxy,
Tooth decay runs in my family . Nearly everyone who got to be 40 has ended up with dentures . I am the first one to retain most of my teeth . I have had a bunch of dental procedures , but so far , no dentures . I mention this because I have two children who have inherited poor dental habits even though I have been vigilant about my own teeth . I don't know what to do to get them to understand the repercussions if they do not start practicing better hygiene .
Clean mouth
Dear Maxy ,
My husband died 11 years ago . Our son "Marcus" was 6 at the time . His dad was in intensive care for two months , and because of his young age , our son was not allowed to see his father .
Before he died , my husband asked his younger brother to keep his drum set until Marcus turned 18 . Marcus uncles used to call him on his birthday , which also was his father's birthday . But since my husband died , neither has called to wish there nephew has called to wish their nephew a happy birthday .
Marcus will be 18 soon . He is into music and wants the drums . I have asked his uncle on several occasions by sending a message on Facebook . I also asked my son's half-brother (from my husband's first marriage) to get the drums and Marcus could pick them up from his house . Nothing has happen . I recently noticed a picture on Facebook of a guy who used to play in a band with my late husband . In the photo , he is playing drums that look suspiciously like the ones that belong to my son .
Marcus has nothing of his father's . he as no included in an decisions on what to sell and what to keep , or even asked what he'd like to have . He was also given his dad's El Camino . but my husband put the title in the name of Marcus half-brother , who sold it . He didn't even give my son any of the money from the sale . Tat was bad enough , but Marcus only really cares about the drums .
The entire family know that my late husband wanted Marcus to have the drums . What should I do ? File a lawsuit ? How do I honor my later husband's wishes and give my son this final gift from his dad?
Distraught Mom of a Musician
Another one , have fun
ReplyDeleteYour darling niece .
PS : Lynn say tell uncle she wants cookie .
Dear Maxy ,
Last week , our son came home from school and told us that a boy at his school had killed himself . he boy had been a friend of his since fifth grade .
The school had a moment of silence over the public address system , but never mentioned the boy's name . Most of the details about the suicide are nonexistent , although there are few things mentioned on a website asking for help paying for funeral costs . Students who didn't know the suicide victim are guessing it was caused by bullying . Our son says that's not true . Some students are even saying the fund requests are a scam .
We haven't heard anything about whether the school is offering grief counseling . We've talked to our son about the tragedy and are trying our best to help him . Because the students have n information , they are making wild guesses and placing misinformed posts on social media . My question is why is this tragedy so secret . Should the school do more ?
Sad Mom
Thanks so much Nee,
ReplyDeleteYou're a peach and so is Kathy. I am doing well thank you. I only wish some of the folks we advise would give us a bit of feedback so we'd know if all our hard work is really helping someone.
This column has been a real challenge and Aunty and I are really enjoying it, thanks to you.
Best Regards